A Gift Guide for Mother's Day

Do get your wife a gift. No, she is not your mother. GET HER A GIFT.

Do not get her a can opener. Yes, she may need one because she happened to buy a whole lot of #10 cans full of wheat and broke hers trying to open them, but get her that for the day after Mother's Day.  I got a can opener once, but it was okay because it came with candy.

Do still get your mother a gift. She is your MOTHER.

Do not watch sports on Mother's Day, unless your wife likes sports. If you are getting on her nerves, it may be okay to watch sports if you do it in your man cave whilest she is enjoying her new gift (opening cans).

Do get her something cool like a Nintendo DSi XL. She would really like that. And as a bonus, you can buy games for it from the kids. She would also like an iPhone.

Do not get her stuff for cleaning the house, unless it is something awesome like a Dyson. If you get one of these, still throw in a mani/pedi, or better yet, do like my man and give her the money for the Dyson, then she can get it on sale and spend the rest on super fun stuff.

Do get her flowers if she likes flowers. If she likes candy, get her candy, unless she started her diet (again) this week.

Do not get her something you plan on stealing, like a Harmony remote control or fancy tweezers. Yes, we are onto you and we know you really got that for yourself.

Do get her stuff to make her feel pretty.

Do not get her supplements and protein shakes.

Do let her read the paper first on Mother's Day.

Do not give her diet pills, I don't care how big her butt's gotten.

Do give gift cards.

Do not buy soaps/lotions from the dollar store and try to pass those off as something cool.

Do buy perfume. We won't read into that, unless it is the perfume that your ex-girlfriend wore.

Do not send her out to shovel on Mother's Day. No. Matter. What.

Do remember that Father's Day is just around the bend!