An Australian Dream

Australians like beer, but it has to be just over frozen for the average barbecue loving Australian, Aussie or Ozzie from the land down-under.

It gets real hot here in the summer, and hard working men need some relaxation time, mostly with workmates around a barbecue.

A friend of mine is a plumber, lets call him John, because I did not say he was a good plumber, nor is he a cheap plumber, so John will do.

John has a big barbecue and a lot of plumber mates since he has also got a swimming pool which has several attractions including an array of beautiful sexy Australian females. (the "sheilas" or females in Australia usually wear very little at any time in the summer, and even less at barbecues or swimming pools, or the beach, or.........)

This is a major attraction for John's mates.Every now and then someone will remark "geeze look at that" as some scantily clad young lady enters the pool.

Australian women are pretty sexy and extroverted generally and can handle these sort of guys by time they are teens, considering them a source of amusement when they drink and brag about themselves especially when they have "had a few" which in Australia often means pretty drunk.

The trouble with drink is often one of the male guests will say say something really inappropriate about a sexy looking young woman who turns out to be the jealously guarded 17 year old daughter of someone at the barbecue or a new girlfriend of one of Johns mates, and if in earshot will get a retort from an outraged father or husband who has probably just said the same about someone else's daughter, girlfriend lover or wife! I don't know how their friendships survive all this but they seem to.

Any guys over 35 seen looking at the eye candy is identified as a "dirty old bastard" in a loud raucous voice so this can be a bit off putting

The women amuse themselves watching the men get drunk for a while but get bored rather quickly as the lies get bigger, and wander off to gossip.

John also has a full sized billiard and pool table in his bar room.

I should say at this point that I am not a plumber, I got invited to John's barbecue because he likes to talk about cars with me, and he hopes my son will come along to play a game or two with the boys.(My son is a state level pool player)

We've got some bloody great plumbers in Australia and some good pool players. None from either group were friends of Johns, and as my son does not need a plumber right now he does not wish to provide free lessons to a lot of drunken plumbers.

I had to go. I always have a good time at John's barbies.

Johns father used to be a plumber. These days he is typical retired tradesman. (works full time on his cars.) He has a beer gut so big he can only drive one of the five cars he has. The old Holden Kingswood is still his daily drive. It has a huge front door and he can still get in and out of it by grabbing the roof with his over sized hand.The seat is destroyed. Distorted and twisted, it's back bent. if you did not know John Snr. you would imagine an elephant had been driving it.

He is a big man strong at his 65th year and not to be messed with.

After he had about ten "quickies" as he likes to call cans of beer, I overheard him talking to a group of Johns plumber friends.

"Reckon yer plumbers dooya? Why avent one of youse blokes come up with a decent beer fountain for the barbecue yer lazy bastards.Yer could knock one of em up in an hour yer lazy bastards, yer can make it out of an old freezer, a cold keg of beer, a light sensitive valve like an automatic water tap switch yer lazy bastards." He goes on a bit, so I'll try to quote him accurately so you can see the voracity of his argument for yourself.

A fountain of beer that can be accessed right from the barbecue, like a dispensing machine? The old man may have something there, at least for the Australian market. You could do without the freezer for an English one, as they like their beer warm and tasting like camels piss.

"Yer could use a small three cornered bastard file to file a slit in the valve seat, it wouldn't lose much beer if you just file a small slit in the bastard ( valve seat) Yer could let a bit of beer run past the valve in to a pipe to the fountain so it would foam and dribble. Foam an dribble I said yer dirty bastards!

"No yer stupid bastard when yer put yer beer glass under the fountain it fills yer glass automatically and switches orf just like an automatic tap. How der yer reckon they worked? Did yer reckon the bloody fairies knew where yer hands were and turned the bloody tap on and off for yer! yer stupid bastard"

Makes sense to me.

Make a beer fountain. Very Australian. I think I'll have another dozen "quickies" and go knock one up!

A dishwasher.

Not the kind you put dishes in. A bloke who will do dishes.

A status symbol and a major catch here in Australia. If you can get one that's been trained properly by his mom you'l be right as rain and your girlfriends will be soo jealous.

"He does the dishes!" she will scream at her friends while clasping her bent knees. "He does the dishes" she will repeat in case she was not believed the first time.This will be met again by squeels and screams of approval.

Their hard to find these dish washers. Most young Australian men have had all their needs except sex met by a doting mother long after they have left home, sort of. Young Australian men often live quite close to the "old folk" after they move out of home.

They offer explanations to their hopeful dates. "I save a lot on petrol and I don't have to buy a washing machine." are not good in the same sentence.

Metrosexuals.

In our modern Australian cities many young men are becoming metrosexual to find a way around the dishes.

These guys are so clean and well groomed I have never dated a girl that looked or smelt that good!These guys must have mirrors in every room. How could you get off on a bloke who spends more on makeup than you do?

By the way these guys don't do dishes either, or much of anything in case they break a nail.

How can an Aussie sheila nest, when the choices are a cave dweller who smells like unwashed sports socks, and doesn't notice when his nose runs, or metro man who examines himself more than you and enters your bedroom checking for dust first and makeup second.

Maybe one of those imported men? They know how to treat a woman.

Maybe a devout religious man who's god will show you your place, or one of those luvly Italian ass pinchers, or a frenchman. Oo la la.

We are all the same girls, all we men are lazy with dishes. Get over it and nest with a rich bloke who will have other people do those nasty dishes for you, so you don't have to touch them ever again, nor the washing, or the cleaning etc.

A man looks good wearing money. I see men with money who are loved by women who do not seem to notice that he looks like a human swizzle stick, or a real life humpty dumpty with no personality other than what has been needed to accumulate that wonderfully sexy wealth.