Engagement Rings: Will She Hate It? How Much Should You Spend?
90Luxury Expenses
Dear Veronica,
I finally proposed to my girlfriend last Valentine's Day. She said yes, but I knew something was wrong. About a month later I finally got her to admit to me what the problem was. She hated the ring. We are now in the process of shopping for another ring. My family and friends are very disturbed that she didn't want the ring I picked out. Any thoughts from you on this?
Mario
***************
Dear Mario,
There are different reasons she may not like the ring. And I don't have enough information from your email to tell her reasoning, so I am going to discuss a couple.
Is the ring she is shopping for now a complete upgrade? This could be indicative of a major conflict between you and her. If you spent a reasonable amount of money on the ring but stayed within your means, then you did well. Her expecting more than what you can afford is a horrible foreshadowing of what's to come in a life with her.
If you were cheap, however, then I can understand her frustration. She's showing her hand to her friends and family, and she may be equating your cheapness, to how much you care about her. Before you think I am sympathizing with gold diggers, let me clarify further. I'm specifically comparing this ring, with how much you spend or can afford to spend, on luxury items for yourself. Did you just spend $1500 on yourself on a new leather jacket, but spent $800 on her ring? Do you easily drop $100 a week in a bar with your friends, but spent less than $1200 on her ring? I'm speaking strictly within the confines of what you really can afford.
This is supposed to be a token of your love and commitment. There is a fine line between frugal and cheap. There is also a fine line between showing her what she means to you, and insulting her.
They say the rule of thumb is three months salary. Personally, I think that's extreme. Many people can't spend three month's salary on a luxury item. And the money would be better used invested in a house, or a car. Consider what you spend on entertainment, toys and extras. And dipping a little into your savings is not out of the question: this is supposed to be the most important gift you ever give.
If you've really selected a monetarily appropriate ring, and she wants you to spend twice that, then your family is right in their concern. If that isn't the case, then straighten this out with your family now before they start seeing your girlfriend in an inaccurate or unfair light.
The other reason your fiancé may be looking for another ring could be the style. Don't forget that this is something she is going to wear every day. Did your style choice reflect her taste? Did you pick out a yellow gold band in spite of her never wearing yellow gold? Did you pick out something very busy, when her taste is much more simple? Did you pick out a very traditional ring, when clearly she is a very modern fashioned woman? To her, this may not be about the ring, but instead about your not noticing her taste and her choices. She may want the ring to represent your ability to pay attention to her. Noticing the color metal she predominantly wears, or her general style, is something that really may be very important to her. (Equate that with your being a Yankee fan, and her buying you a Mets jersey and saying, it's baseball. You should just love it.)
Maybe you've chosen a style that just isn't comfortable. Maybe the band is thin and cuts her, or hurts to wear. Maybe the setting is very high, and after wearing it for a month she found it to be getting caught on everything, and wanted to find something less protruding so she could wear it everyday comfortably without fear of losing the diamond.
I agree with the Spirit of the Contract philosophy on this. In general, she should love the ring for what it says, not what it looks like or how much it costs. I agree with that.
But Mario, there are two sides to every contract. Did you keep your side of the contract? Did you pick out a ring that you really thought she would like? Did you notice her taste and her style, and try to pick something SHE would have picked for herself? Did you spend a reasonable amount of money on it? And again, I'm not saying, did you go into debt. I'm saying does this conditional gift really represent how you feel about her as compared to the other luxury items you spend money on, like season tickets, your toys and cars, or your wardrobe?
The Spirit of the Contract goes both ways. She's "supposed" to love the ring. But, you're supposed to make an effort here too. If you don't already know, then find out exactly why she wanted a different ring. Before you get married and commit the rest of your life to someone, you should be on the same page when it comes to money and spending. And I think its also fair to say that you need to pay attention and notice her, and she needs to appreciate your efforts and meanings.
Good luck to you both, Mario.
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Comments
I have my engagement ring still - Mario's fiancee can have it if she wants. :)
this is a fantastic and detailed advice column on engagement rings. you're right, he should be picking a ring that reflects her personal style and he should be spending a correct amount of money. thinking she will just love it no matter what is unfair. i like how you write, you really are easy to read.
Thanks!
I received an email from a jeweler that said he has this article hanging up in his store. He said if only more guys took the time to pick out the "right" ring, he'd have so many less returns and problems.
I think most women that don't like the ring are gold diggers. But you do make some good points. My ex wife wore all yellow gold and I bought her a white gold engagement ring. I guess that was my bad, i never noticed til after we were divorced and she mentioned it.
Both times I got married, my fiance took me shopping and we chose the ring together. I think that was a sign that we were truly ready - it shows that you're thinkijng of your finances as a couple, not as two individuals. If you dn't feel you can be that open with your partner, maybe you should give it some more time.
The ring really does tell a lot about how well your man knows you, doesn't it? Only in my case, it was probably doubly hard for my fiance to pick out a ring because I don't wear any jewelry. Rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings and even wristwatches irritate me during prolonged wear, especially during hot days (which are almost every day here in the Philippines).
I only wear the ring when I go out; I take it off and keep it in its box when I'm at home. Sometimes when I'm wearing it and the area around my ring finger gets irritated, I slip the ring off and transfer it to another finger for a few minutes. My fiance knows it's not because I don't like the ring though so he doesn't get offended. :-)
But I agree, we tend to see the ring as a concrete representation of how much our man loves, understands, and knows us. Good luck to all prospective proposers this year. Haha! :-p
dude, why do you want her to have a ring she doesn't like? I mean, you spend a friggin fortune on it and she has to wear it the rest of her life. She should at least like it a little. You're lucky she told you instead of just hating it for 50 years.
Great advice. So many couples have trouble with finances, if they apply this advice to all financial issues, they will have a better chance to survive. Open communication on the ring, and all issues, is key.
For the women with irritation from gold -- Your gold my have been alloyed with nickle. Many people are allergic, get red and itchy. Today most gold in nickle free. I have a few earings that irritate. I dip the post in triple antibiotic ointment. That solves the problem for a day. It's not as practical with a ring, but may help when wearing it when you'll not be washing your hands a lot.
lifedancer - great gold tip. Thanks!
You are absolutely right. I've had to 'oo' and 'aah' over so many bad rings in the last few years from my friends that I feel somebody needs to set the men straight on this. Thank you!
Hi Veronica - I've been reading your articles and love how insightful and straight to the point they are. I feel like so many of them are directed at me! After reading this one I have a question on this subject that I hope you can answer.
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years now and I know we will get married - it's been long enough that our friend's and family are always asking us so how could we not talk about it? We've looked at jewelry together plenty and I KNOW he knows my style. He also makes decent money and I'm not concerned that he would try to be cheap. My concern is this: his mom died the year before we got together. As the oldest son his dad has promised him his mom's wedding ring - a yellow gold band with diamonds and ruby's. Not my style at all. I don't like colored stones and I don't like yellow gold. I am a silver, diamond, intricate detailing kind of girl. Through our discussions over the years I had gotten the idea that this ring would be presented to me as something I could wear sometimes for fun, until the other night when we were talking about marriage and he said, "I hope you'll be happy with my mom's ring because I promised her I would give it to the girl I marry." As in, that's all you get.
Am I selfish for wanting my own ring?? This is a very sensitive subject because he was very close to his mom and from everything I've heard I know I would have loved her, but I don't love her ring!
Dear Cassie,
Thanks for reading my articles, I really appreciate hearing they've given you some insight.
I feel really strongly about this answer. I have more than a little experience in this exact arena.
Your bf knows you, knows your taste, knows what you want and what you don't want. That's why he's already trying to break the ice of this by telling you what he has told you, that he "HOPES" you will find a way to be happy with his mom's ring.
He promised her. It is his way of having his mother at his wedding.
Since he is saying things like he is, I have the feeling he may even be scared to propose now because of this. Scared to give it to you. Scared to see you reject her, and reject the promise he made to his dying mother.
In a couple years you could say to him that this ring is heavy, or you catch it on things, or you can see where the settings are all old and wearing and you're afraid you're going to lose the stones or break the prongs. You could say you want to preserve it, not fix it or change it. You'd like to put this ring away, to make sure it's in tact exactly as his mother had it, for you two to give to your future daughter or daughter in law. You'll only wear it on very special occasions from now on. And, you'd like him to get you another ring, that you can wear all the time.
But that time is not right now.
I believe with everything inside of me that you need to see the heart of a man that makes this kind of promise to his mother, and appreciate what you are getting - him. I really hope you can do that.
I don't think you're selfish to want your own ring. But I also know more than one marriage that never made it off the ground because of the engagement ring. You're going to get your way about so many other aspects of the wedding. The dress, the hall, the colors, the flowers, the music, the food, the cake... it's going to be you you you. And eventually will you get your way on the ring too if you give it some time. But I think you need to give him this one thing. This one thing, that is obviously so intensly close to his heart.
Thank you so much for replying so quickly. Part of me really wanted this to be your answer - I absolutely appreciate the emotion and sensitivity he shows quite regularly, and I should have added that when he cries for his mom I can't help but cry too. In so many ways we have the same soul and I know I can't take this away from him. I will be happy to accept this ring from him and the love and devotion that it shows on so many levels, and maybe someday I'll have my own ring to pass down along with this one. Thanks again.
What a wonderful answer Veronica, I think you are absolutely right.
Thank you Marisa!
Cassie, I'm so glad. He sounds wonderful. Much happiness to both of you~~
Wow, you are good. Awesome advice.
Wow...great answer to a question it's a little early for me to be pondering but I am all the same.
I'm dating a guy who lost his mom just a few months before we started seeing each other. It's not that serious yet, but I have a feeling that this could come up at some point in the future. Its great to be prepated.
Thanks Megan. Good luck with your relationship, keep us posted.
Hey I just proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years, I talked to her family and friends about the ring because she wanted to be surprised. The only problem is that now she is not happy with the surprise, she likes it and the fact that I gave it to her, but she wishes it could be different. I know that her parents are giving her a lot of grief about wanting to change the ring and she feels bad too but she still wants to change it. I am hoping that she will learn to like the ring and that we can match it with a wedding ring that she will like, and also I cannot afford another ring. What would you suggest, all I want is to make her happy.
Nick
You're not giving me what it is about the ring she isn't thrilled with. The metal color? The size of the rock?
Still, even without the specific info you did give me two major pieces of the scenario:
1 - You discussed the ring with her family & friends. Obviously, you cared and made the investment of time and energy to try to make the right choice for something she'd really like and want to wear every day.
2 - She wanted to be surprised.
Alot of this article was about the idea that some men don't make the effort you made to try to select a ring in the right style, shape, setting, and metal that you know she'd appreciate. If you sought out thoughts and ideas from people closest to her you made that effort.
And, the kicker is, she wanted to be surprised. Some women don't, and ask that if that special time comes, that they get to select their own ring. But she did, she wanted you to pick out the ring, and to surprise her. So, she got what she wanted. If you give her a little time, she may come to realize she wants exactly what she thought she wanted.
You did everything right. And the fact that you're admitting you can't afford another ring shows you're thinking soundly about the future.
You haven't come out and said it, but I am just getting the feeling that the dislike wasn't about gold-digging. I hope that's the case.
It's wonderful that you want to make her happy, and you already did everything within your power to do that. My suggestion is that she's going to have to suck it up and live with this ring for a while. Tell her on your 2 or 3 year anniversary you will re-visit the subject again. Maybe you will use these diamonds in a different setting, or maybe she can pick out her own five year diamond necklace. Whatever it is, it's up the road when there's been time to save, and there's been time for her to settle down. She may just be feeling excitement and stress, and at some point in the near future, will realize she loves and cherishes this ring for all the right reasons.
Thanks I hope that this is the case...and it was not the metal but just the setting.
Hi Veronica,
Your advice has been great. But her is my problem. I don't like my engagement ring and I don't know what to do. I have been engaged for almost a year and I feel like it's to late to change it?
I know it is about the marriage and not the ring and I also don't want to hurt his feelings. It's not the size that is fine, the cost was reasonable, not cheap but not excessive. I just don't like to the shape or setting.
During the first couple of years that we were dating he told me my engagement ring would be a ring that belonged to his grandmother. Which neither he nor I had ever seen. Based on the age I assumed the ring would be yellow gold which I don't wear. So I pointed out to him that he could always have it reset in white gold before giving it to me. This did not offend him since the ring was not special to him, it was just something that was in his family.
We also talked about new engagement rings. When we did I was very clear about what I liked. We never discussed size, just style and color. I specifically on many occasions stated that I liked/wanted a princess cut in white gold. I even told him to have my best friend help him.
He did not and he got me round diamond in a setting that I am not crazy about. It has been a year I have hinted and sort of questioned why he chose this particular ring but he never really gotten an answer. The thing is while some many may spend time searching and choosing an enagement ring. That is just not my fiance. I know that he purchased the ring the day he proposed, and it's just not his style to shop and browse for anything, it doesn't matter the cost of the purchase.
I thought the ring would grow on me, so I didn't say anything but it really hasn't. And as we have started to look for wedding bands nothing seems to match or fit with it and it is just making it worse. What should I do.??
Thanks, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Two-fold answer here.
Firstly, if he bought the ring the day he proposed, and was even open to changing his grandmother's setting had it been that ring, it doesn't sound like he's too terribly sentimental about the ring, and you might just be able to be honest about your feelings with him. Especially while shopping for bands, you could pick out a ring you'd prefer and be honest about it. You could point out this is something that isn't about right or wrong, it's just something that seems to matter more to you than it did to him, and since that's the case would it be ok to make an exchange. You said this is just who he is, I don't think this one is a big deal. You know this about him. You said this is just kinda like him. If you're going to spend your life with him accepting him as he is, you should be able to let him accept you for who you are too. And who you are is someone who cares a lot more than he does about this ring. Really, this isn't a big deal. Just an issue you should be able to work through.
Secondly, your comment was stacked in a certain way. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it seemed that you unfolded in a certain order, establishing your situation, and describing your efforts, and that you spent a year hoping it would grow on you and it did not, and you listed the personality traits he doesn't really have.
It makes me want to ask you, are you sure you're talking about the ring?
Don't jump to defense, don't even articulate your answer right away. Just see how that feels, and walk around with it for a little while. Do you have doubts about a life with him? Now that it's come down to the wire, are you maybe second guessing this step?
It's perfectly natrual to do that. Sometimes it's just cold feet.It's a nervous reaction that goes away once you really think about it. It's not a big deal, it's just an honest normal thing.
Hi Veronica,
I have a little different situation on my end.. I was just told by my current boyfriend that he has a ring already picked out for me. We've talked about marriage so it's not a complete suprise but we didn't discuss a lot about jewelry and what kinds I do and don't like. He said it was his great grandmothers ring and is about 100 years old. He said his mother offered it to him when we first started dating that just in case he could have it. We had been talking about jewelry and I did say I liked the older looking jewelry and I guess he took it as I like older jewelry and said it's done and he talked to his mom about the ring again and he is going to give it to me at some point. It needs resized he said but it's white gold like I wear and he said he thinks I will like it. He saw it and said it wasn't very big, not like he thought it was.. I am concerned now about a couple things... One is what if I don't like the ring he, his family already knows and I feel a lot of pressure incase I don't like it. It might be a great ring but I'm a little scared about it. I agree that it's a nice gesture he is giving me a ring that was in his family that long ago but he didn't say about a story on it..maybe he will save it for when we get engaged but what should I think about this situation? Any insight on this would be helpful. I don't want something huge and expensive but I want something that is my own and my personal style.. And I feel if I say anything that it might come off like that.
Thanks, Laura
Laura,
Honestly, your whole situation sounds sweet, from all sides.
My advice is, stop stressing this. You don't even know that you aren't going to like it. Let this go. You have so many better things to stress about. It sounds like everyone's heart is in the right place, and truly that is the important thing.
If you do get engaged you will have the wedding to plan. Flowers, dresses, halls, bands, menus, cakes, limos, invitations, seating arrangements.... And you have a marriage to plan. Finances, living arrangements, jobs and cars and taxes and insurance and a gabillion other things.
The big point of this article was about the folks who are misdirected or gold digging, or lazy or not paying attention. NONE of those things apply to you.
When he gives you the ring, love it for what it is as you know to do. Don't stress liking it or not, or if it's truly you or not. I actually have the feeling you're going to love it. And if you don't, it is SOOOOO fixable up the road. Just accept it lovingly, embrace his family and the gesture, and his sweetness. Have your wedding, start your life.
And then, up the road on an anniversary, come back to the ring and let him know you'd like to do something different. Rejecting it immediately will set the stage for a lot of animosity and discomfort. Let the stability of your love for each other settle in first. Seriously, you have better things to think about. Then on the 2nd or 3rd anniversary, tell him you'd like an "every day" ring, and you'd like to save this family heirloom for special occasions, so that you can best preserve it and continue the tradition, and pass it down in the family to your children.
You're fine. Continue to be fine.
Thanks for your feedback Veronica, I know you a truly right on that part. I think it's more of the shock factor I guess of hearing that over the weekend and everything. I agree, it's not like it's the most important thing at the moment... And like he said before, it's not like I would reject him because of the ring either way. I think it was that and the fact he was asking my parents for their permission over the weekend that might of made this all kind of crazy for me and that's what I ended up thinking about more...
This is the realist hub on engagement rings. I have to say, my hubband got it right with mine. I could tell he paid close attention to my hands because I had another ring close to the one he gave to me. In fact I loved my engagement ring better. Needless to say when we got married, I got a set of new rings. Now I am on my second set and about to get another set this July when we renew our vows. Check out my hub for beautiful wedding rings that won't break the bank.
"Her expecting more than what you can afford is a horrible foreshadowing of what's to come in a life with her." - That cannot be written any other way! Excellent thought and great post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. I have seen friends and family be put through his exact situation and only once have I seen someone read the other person well enough to call things off...after being engaged! I have never been in that situation to understand the difficulty, but that is a true test of following your gut. What a well written article with enjoyable comments! Waiting for the next one.
Who should decide when to buy the ring and how much it should be? I have been with my gf for a few yrs and have stated several times in the past that I intend to marry her (although never when). In a couple months I'm going to attend med school in a new city for the next 4 yrs. For the past several months I’ve been consumed with deciding on schools and even now I’m focused on the moving process and the related details. I’m not in the mood to plan a proposal/wedding but after briefly mentioning that I would like to get married in 2 yrs my gf and her parents are pressing forward with wedding plans. They researched the hall on their own & are holding a date with my approval. They also went engagement ring shopping on their own w/o inviting me. I made it clear that I wasn't going to propose until next yr, but didn’t object to them looking. My gf told me she picked out the ring and wants to buy it now before I leave. I asked to go with her to shop other places (b/c I wanted to be involved & also felt it was too expensive) but she found excuses at all of the other stores, even though the specs were similar and the price more affordable. Her mom has offered to pay for it now since I don’t have the cash right now and I pay her back later. Knowing that I will be $350K+ in debt b/c of private school, is it right for my gf to be so insistent on the exact specs of her diamond? Also, should we not just wait until next yr to buy the ring when I’m back in town and ready to propose then?
John
It was not right that your gf go ring shopping with her family, when you expressed that you wanted to be part of that process. It is even worse that she picked out a ring you can't afford and allowed her mother to part of that very intimate marital decision by offering to pay.
John, this is bad. This is all bad. This is major shadowing of things to come. The way you feel right now - pushed, not listened to, not inlcuded - I promise you, this is how you are going to feel for the rest of your life if you marry this girl.
Bravo for you with your education and your plans. Focus on them. If I were you I would tell the gf to forget any ring that is supposed to be a gift from you, that you weren't included in. I woud tell her forget the date and the planning until you actually propose.
You're sensitive enough to communicate your feeings and intentions. For most healthy and mature partners, that would be plenty. But your GF is planning your future and spending money you don't have BEFORE you even propose? John dear, something very very wrong with this picture.
Thank you very much for your quick response and advice. It looks like I have a lot to think about...
Veronica,
Hi, So my BF and I, We been together 4 years and We just had our daughter and I wanna get married and he knows that. Today he tells me he bought me a ring(month ago) then returned it because he heard me talk of different kinds of rings. He tells me exactly what he got me and that I made him feel it wasnt good enough, I got so upset. I dont want a different ring, I would have been happy with what he picked, he generally knows what I like, I just said I wanted it to be the nicest piece of jewlery i'll ever own, something beautiful but not over the top and he took that as I wanted an incredibly expensive ring which I do not, Now I think that 2K is more than plenty for a ring( which I told him), I have simple jewelry and keep it neat. Am I in the wrong for being so upset? I feel he ruined my experience for being proposed too by telling me this and making me feel materialistic and ungreatful which I am not. I do want a gorgeous ring, but it was never about the price, it was about him taking what I liked and using his own eye to find it. I need help b/c I dont even know what to do
Amy
Honestly it sounds like he's playing you. I don't believe he bought a ring and returned it. It sounds more like a common scheme to buy himself more time, and put off asking you to marry him. Not only does he get away with putting it off for more months, he's also got you feeling like that's your fault. Plus, he's also got you telling him any ring he picks out is fine, it doesn't have to be big and expensive.
I love this column also, my fiancee and I went and picked out rings together, I showed him a few that I like all around the same style. I liked plain white gold 1 carat round diamond solitares with just a plain band. I figured it wasnt that hard and I made it easy for him.
He gave me a 1/2 carat princess cut, yes its simple but not what I wanted. I dont like princess cut at all on me, it reminds me of a little girls ring and the band has abunch of 1/2 carat diamonds on it, which is very weird to me, def not my style.
I know it is not that he can not afford it, so yes it hurt my feelings, and made me feel that he doesnt listen to me. I let him know it was a pretty ring just not close to what we picked out or my style and he got upset, so I just wear it everyday, dont say anything, and hate it.
Nicole,
I'm so sorry to hear this. You're absolutely right - he didn't listen. You picked out a simple, modest, classic ring and let him know what you liked, and he didn't pay any attention to you at all. If the only difference was the 1 carat to 1/2 carat, I would say it's probably what he could afford. But a completely different cut, and the diamonds in the band show he decided it didn't matter what you asked for.
what's worse is that when you called him on it, he got upset.
Alot of people will say, it's just a ring. But it's not just a ring. It's the most shining example of how the two of you communicate. It exemplifies that he didn't listen to you. You are wearing a ring every day that is supposed to be a symbol of your relationship, and what it symbolizes is that he didn't care enough to listen, and that you hate it, and that he isn't stepping up and fixing it.
Helen says:
2 years ago
I wanted to believe one day when someone asks me to marry him that I would not be superficial and love the ring no matter what. But you are right. It will show how well he knows me. There is more to it than just money.