How To Be Chivalrous
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Aragorn was Chivalrous
If you've seen The Lord of the Rings, you're familiar with Aragorn. If you're wondering what chivalry really is, it's much bigger than simply holding a door open for some random woman. It's a personal code one upholds on a daily basis -- even when no one is watching. Aragorn may have been a bit chilly at times, but the character was extremely chivalrous. He protected the weak, was modest with his peers (and those less equal), and he was faithful to his woman, even after he'd "left" her and met another. Are you surprised women responded to his character as well as they did?
If you're American, you probably think chivalry is dead. For the most part, I'd say that's close enough; American chivalry was one of the many casualties of radical feminism. On the other hand, if you live a bit further east, (say, central Europe) you'll find that chivalry is not yet dead.
Why such a marked difference in the evolution of women's rights?
It's simple, really. In their plight for equality, American femnazis equated being the recipient of chivalry with being an unequal doormat. European feminists do not often have these issues (though there are exceptions, to be sure) and they achieved equal rights without spitting in the faces of men who were simply trying to be courteous.
It's ok to be a feminist. It's not ok to be a femnazi.
Ms. Femnazi; If he holds a door open for you, he's just trying to show you some respect. Did you not spend the last few decades fighting for respect from men? Think about that, the next time you're getting ready to throw a temper tantrum. If you can't handle a simple act of courtesy, you've got bigger issues that have nothing to do with civil rights.
The following are five simple ways a man can be chivalrous with his woman. There are more -- far more -- but these are the basics, and most would agree they aren't the slightest bit offensive.
Jason Bourne was Chivalrous
Another chivalrous character, Jason Bourne only fought when he needed to, and only on equal terms. He respected Marie, and waited for her to make the first move, and even then he hesitated! It's no wonder this movie (and Matt Damon) did so well with women -- we love honorable, self-sacrificing men. Even if they're an assassin.
1. Hold the door open for her.
This should be a reflex, not something a man has to think long and hard about before doing. Sadly, it's more the latter these days. And I can't blame them for it. Not when femnazis would rather rip a man's head off for this act of courtesy, than simply smile and be grateful that someone thinks she's worth it.
2. Open the car door for her.
Same basic idea. If you're picking her up, open her car door. If you're picking her up and she's waiting for you at the curb when you pull up, you should still at least open it from the inside. You don't *need* to get out and open her door when dropping her off at home, but a clever man will do precisely that; you're more likely to get a goodnight kiss that way.
3. Help her onto the train/tram/etc.
There is something very sexy about a man who makes an effort to help a woman onto the tram. (Or whatever mode of transportation you're using.) It can be as simple as giving her a hand up, or it can be more intimate; try placing your hand in the small of her back and supporting her as she climbs the steps. It's really quite sexy.
4. Help her with her coat.
This is such a courteous thing to do. I love it when a man helps me with my coat. It's sexy, it's endearing, it says you care, and it provides an opportunity for physical contact. And, hello? Who doesn't want more of that?
5. Help her with her chair.
Pull her chair out and hold it while she sits down. It's really that simple. Nevertheless, this can prove awkward for some. If that's the case, at least wait until she's seated before you sit down yourself.
6. Help her if she's carrying something heavy.
I've yet to meet a woman who doesn't love the idea of a big strong man helping her with something. It makes us feel feminine, and most of us like feeling feminine. Unless we're talking femnazis, in which case she'll probably insist on carrying your bags around for you.
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Comments
I completely agree! There is nothing sexier than a man who is willing to step up when it is nice but not necessary. I'm lucky that I've found one of the last chivalrous men in my age bracket. Hopefully this Hub will help other women :) Also, there is nothing sexier than a man who helps you with your coat. Especially in the beginning of a relationship.
James - I believe you! And I agree with you, too. :)) Your wife is a super lucky woman. ;)
abowie - So true, the coat thing is very, very sexy! :))
Isabella, you are right that there is a difference between being a feminist and a femnazi. I think your "femnazi" might be what some are calling "1st wave feminists" and even "2nd wave feminists". The "3rd wave" or 4th, 5th, whatever, feminists are more about being inclusive in the movement than exclusive, and chivalry is alive.
It's a balancing act, to be sure. Back in the early 80s my courtesy wasn't always treated with mutual respect, but it mostly was. Since then, I've never had a problem. I'm also totally equal-opportunity with much of this...gender doesn't much matter, but kindness does.
Though I've been a feminist since the 60s, I think the only thing I very (self)consciously do is make sure that I'm on the curb side of the sidewalk when I'm walking with a woman. Old school, sure, but then again I'm hardly a spring chicken.
Seems to me that if you want a civil society, then it's incumbent upon its citizens to behave civilly.
CJ
I can't recall a time in my adult life that I didn't try to hold doors open for women. I live in the US also so chivalry isn't really dead here. At least not yet. I like this hub. You did a great job writing it and giving a few pointers to those who refuse to help out a lady.
I was knighted on another site a few months ago, hence my handle. I think if there;s a damsel in distress maybe I should be the one to ride in and save her. Wearing my shiny armor of course. ;)
Stacie -- Are you saying chivalry is alive in the US? I dunno, I think it's pretty nonexistant for the most part. Not because of the "levels" of feminism, but because of the radicals who've scared so many men to the point they're afraid to so much as open a door. Texas (and a few other southern states) are the only places I've really seen real chivalry, but eve then it was limited to those whose mama's brought them up that way. But none of this compares to chivarly in Europe. And, of course, none are as chivalrous as a well-bred Englishman... but I'm SOOOO biased. ;)
CJCS - Nothing wrong with old school chivalry. :)
SirDent - Knighted; too cute. ;) And I'm glad to see more chivalrous men! :)
There's a part for the recipient of such treatment to play here as well. For example, when I walk through a shop doorway I check behind me to see if there's anyone behind and hold it open to allow them through or, if I'm coming one way when a lady is coming the other I'll step aside and let them pass. In both cases I've lost count of the number of ladies who ignore what's just happened and sail about their merry way with no sign of recognition. It's almost enough to put a fellow off bothering.
True. I'm one who always says thank you -- and I also hold doors for other people. It's just common courtesy.
I'm merely saying it is alive. The U.S. is big, so it isn't always fair to blanket the entire country. I've had the door held open for me by many - American and non-American. There is a man at the bus stop every single morning who lets all the women get on first, which often means he doesn't get a seat, whether he is there first or not. He also smiles and nods at each of us - it is really nice. In the afternoon, I often see men (often the same men) offering to give up their seats to any women left standing on the bus. However, I've also seen the opposite where everyone sits leaving the heavily pregnant or elderly standing (I will give up seat of course).
Of course, I'm lucky because my husband is European.
Well... communism is still alive over here, but I wouldn't say its common enough to make it worth mentioning :) I realize there are exceptions and that some American men are chivalrous. As I said, I encountered it in Texas. I have not lived where you live but I have lived all over the NE, SW and California. I wouldnt say men treat women badly in those places, but I wouldnt call them chivalrous, either. When you say you're married to a European I assume you mean someone off the boat -- (Polák, I'd guess) -- if that's the case Im sure you already know how different American and European men behave!
You know, Isabella, it's funny because I was thinking about the most chivalrous men I know and realized they are 'usually' either European (like you said) or gay. Naturally, not all European and gay men are chivalrous, but my in my experience...
Anyway, as always, I'm enjoying what you have to write! I've lived in other areas of the U.S. too, and the men definitely behave differently based on where I am.
Gay men are often the best. *sigh* ;)
I'll agree with you entirely. On my trip to Europe, I found that the men I met far outdid the men I was traveling with. Women in America are starved for romance and chivalry. I count myself very lucky to have a respectful boyfriend who is sensitive to these things. I live in the South, where women have to be strong because on average the men are perpetually boys; European men were very impressive!
I love your chivalry tips. I think that if men knew just how sexy a few respectful moves can be, they'd revive chivalry in a heartbeat.
I am too stubborn to give up chivalry, if nothing else my wife still appreciates it and it's how my mother raised me. I get a kick out of women who scorn me when I open a door for them.
Not sure why women want to equate equal pay, equal opportunity with being the same, as JamesRay said.
If they really want to be equal, they can open the door for me, and I promise, I will say thank you!
Very true. Whenever I think to do any of these things (although I'll always hold a door for anyone), I stop myself. Don't want to offend a fminist.
My husband and father-in-law are Canadian. They have always been over-the-top chivalrous. I am a strong, professional woman and I made more money than my husband for many years. But heck - please: open the door for me and make me feel like a treasure. This is excellent, Isabella.
Oh well leave it to me to put a fly in the ointment. I don't see holding a door open as being the provence of men, nor do I see it as having anything to do with chivalry. I hold the door open for everyone, man woman or child. For anyone carrying lots of stuff, for the elderly, and so on.
Whenever I get off a train, I help people off with their luggage, then I do my own.
As far as coats, I live in S. Calif. and haven't worn a coat in years except in photo shoots.
It does disturb me when I see men racing to help a beautiful young woman while they completely ignore every other woman nearby, elbowing them aside to help the woman they find attractive. Phoney chivalry at its worst.
I do feel for men. They often want to please woman but are so confused as in just how to do that. I don't think that's the modern age though. I suspect men have always felt that way.
To me a chivalrous man stays with his wife when she finds out she has cancer, or a man who calls his mother even when he's busy and would rather be at a sporting event. I'd rather think all people have a chance to show random acts of kindness and it has nothing to do with gender.
Opera - I agree, starved for sure. Everyone needs to move to Europe. :)
David - Good for you!! :)
Steph - Treasured; thats a good word for how it makes one feel!
Moonmaiden - No, you're assuming that I think chivalry can only be carried off by men. And I think you're also just trying to make some kind of point -- though Im not sure what it is. I do all of the things you mentioned doing, and that does make me chivalrous. In everyday language, however, most relate the term to men being chivalrous to women, thats why this *dating* article is written for men.
Would I do these things for a man I was dating? I'd help him carry something heavy or hold the door in certain situations, but, No, I wouldn't help him put his coat on, or help him onto a tram or hold his chair for him -- and none of the men Ive ever dated would have wanted me to, either.
As for your definition of what a chivalrous man is -- in my world, thats just a normal human being.
Hi. I agree that Chivalry is almost dead in America and it is a big loss. But it could come back ...
But what is really strange is my husband. He is the epidemy of Chivalry. Bravery, loyalty, protection, and all those things in the fairytales. I have never seen anything like it, before or since. Sometimes I wonder if I found the last knight.
Well, I will wait until after Father's Day, and then will slyly email this one to my husband. I think a few tips are in order. Who says that women shouldn't want to feel special? Chivalry should not be dead!
I'm perfectly happy to have a guy hold a door open for me or whatever, but if it's a double door, I'll usually hold the next one open for him. I figure it's only common courtesy, for BOTH sexes.
I tend to think of Chivalry as uniquely male, just as being "lady like" is particularly the province of females. The problem over the last several decades was that these terms became associated with the assumption that women were less or needy. I'm hoping that now since society has mostly worked all that out, those two ideas can be brought back into the fold as at least a lifestyle choice that is not spit upon anymore.
Ironically, your two examples up there are both derived from fantasy. Nice article. Glad you put it up.
Isabella,
I guess I just caught the title of the Hub and had to read because of the discussion that has taken place on another Hub (will not mention it by name), about the respect for women, or lack of it.... I agree that we as women may have become FemNazi's in our fight to be respected, but real respect is actually shown in Chivalrous acts. Open the door for me any day, help me on to the train, absolutely I love it but on the other hand, value what I have to say when I speak, and be actively interested in my wants and needs also. Chivalry is not dead, my friend, it is alive and well...we as women want it and need it!
I'm a new member, and happened to come across this Hub. Regarding chivalry, I for one love it. I work mostly with men, and it definitely is not dead in America. It is interesting though, the ones that are chivalrous compared to the ones that are not. I think it has less to do with age, and more to do with how one was raised by his parents. I feel a sense of endearment towards a colleague when he reaches out and helps me with my coat, chair, etc. Of course, as will all things, it has to be sincere...those that turn it on and turn it off, might as well save their energy, and leave it for the real gentlement.
I think you hit the nail on the head in the comments: those men who are "chivalrous" (and I like to think that I am one... most of the time!) are so because we were raised right. As a Southerner, I'm proud that my parents taught me to say "sir" and "ma'am" to older people, to hold the door for others (men and women), etc, etc. Sad to say that not all my fellow Southern men learned the same lesson. When did it become cool to be a selfish ass?
As for the feminazi angle... Read an article (in Playboy of all places) years ago that stuck with me. It made much the same points but even went a little farther: some feminists, in their zeal to prove how "equal" they were to men, took up some of our bad habits. Women thought that they were empowering themselves with "free love", but all it did from the mens' perspective was say that women could be had without any of the traditional rituals such as chivalry, courtship... or marriage. When women found that men were treating them like mere sex objects, they evolved "sexual harrassment" laws to take the place of the unwritten codes of chivalry that their grandmothers had (more or less) enjoyed.
Bottom line: it's simply polite to be chivalrous and reflects well on whoever does it. But it's also only the trappings of having real respect for other people, especially the woman you think (hope?) you might be taking home to Mom.
Being "gender neutral", I try to hold the door open for anyone when it appears appropriate. It's particularly so when anyone is coming through with packages.
Courtesy is usually appropriate as it shows respect others. And in many cases, courtesy may just be infectious which wouldn't be a bad thing at all.
I tried to help my boyfriend put on a sweater once and he looked at me like I was out of my mind.
We Canadians are 'naturally' chivalrous, but it's good you wrote this for the Americans. ;)
For helping a woman into her chair, it's also necessary to push it in just as she's about to touch the seat. That way she doesn't have to push in right after you have helped her (be careful not to do it too early because it will hit her legs and make her plop on the seat).
I have a little question about holding doors for women. I always try to do it (dates or not), but I have a little habit of always standing on the left of women when most doors open from left to right. In this position, I have a socially awkward situation of having to either open the door and go in first, or open the door and pass in front of the woman to her right, which is also awkward. I feel like I'm just nitpicking, but this has always bothered me and came up at a recent date.
i tried to help my girl with her coat...she refused and told me that it was not required. that killed all the chivalry in me that day.
i was feeing rejected
you forgot to put that the lady should always be on the inner side of the street on the sidewalk :)
@PILOT - yeah - that's a good one too.
let me ask you: a person tells a racist joke, and he's obviously trying to be funny and joking around. Tells the joke, everyone laughs, and a person of the race he told the joke about it is there. The joke teller says, well no no no man, i'm not talking about you, besides, i'm just messing around. So isabelle, should that matter? does that make him a racist? Is he enforcing any stereotypes? afterall, he's only joking. Maybe his gf thinks it's really "sexy" that he tells racist jokes. She gets her kicks off of something like that.
My point is that you have to look for the underlying meaning when it comes to these things. Sure, i could just be trying to be polite as i hold a door open for a women, or help her with her coat, or any of those things that seem to get you rattled. But just as the jokester was trying to be funny, he's still saying something offensive -- I'm trying to be polite, but i could still be doing something offensive, or not useful, or oppressive even.
What bothers me too is that you're using the word sexy. Ever stop and think WHY you consider something sexy? My theory, well, not so much mine, but i read it and agree with it, is that we're all taught to find certain things attractive, appealing, or sexy, that are often contrary to what we know in our heads and hearts. It's like when u ask a guy in a serious relationship what he loves about his partner, it's usually not, "whoa man, she has such nice boobs and legs and she's just so hot. blah blah blah"
No.
It's more like, "oh, well she's incredibly sweet, very kind girl, she's always there for me, she listens to and helps me w/ my problems, etc." Point is that in advertising and media, we're told that sexy=appearance, but in actuality, we stay with people for a tad deeper qualities.
But speaking of what we're taught, it can all be boiled down to what we learn as kids about what is masculine and what is feminine -- boys are strong, and girls are weak, you can't hit girls, you tell a little boy he's so strong and has big muscles, while u tell a little girl how sweet she is, little boys play with action figures that encourage freedom and adventure, while little girls play in replicas of kitchens, laundry rooms, and bedrooms where they fuss about their looks in front of massive lit vanities.
Of course you'd feel more feminine when a boy helps you with your coat. Gosh, inequality is sexy.
Could you explain in more detail the precise act of helping with her coat? It seems a little treacherous. Thanks
JamesRay says:
18 months ago
I just want you to know that I do all of these things. But I still consider myself a feminist. Women can do anything that men can do, especially in the workplace. Women should have equal access, equal opportunities and equal rights. Anyone who doesn't believe that has a serious problem. But that doesn't mean that good manners, chivalry, and romanticism should go out the door. The sexes should be equal, but they should not be the same. Long live chivalry. Somebody find me a damsel in distress! I'll save her, dammit!