Reality and the Man Who Wore Lingerie

Hal was dressed beautifully, one might even say regally in his satin blue nightgown as he sat by the window and sipped at his morning coffee (or perhaps it was tea.) Anyway, he was most certainly nibbling at a piece of toast when a shadow fell across the paper he had been perusing, obscuring the heinous details of a recent slaughter in some far off land.

Hal looked up to see that the shadow had been caused by an impossibly tall, impossibly dark figure. By this I do not mean that the figure was melanin enhanced, I mean that the figure was darkness itself, like the darkness one doesn't see in a black hole. It was also at least 8 foot high, and stooping slightly to peer in at Hal.

“Hello,” said Hal, at a loss for any other course of action to take. Running was out of the question, it would be difficult enough to run in the pretty nightgown, but to run in the three inch diamante encrusted heels he'd slipped into as he'd slipped out of bed that morning, well, that would be madness.

“HELLO” the figure replied. Its voice boomed in a way that resonated through Hal's every fiber so that he didn't so much hear the voice as feel it rising within his consciousness.

“I AM REALITY,” the figure said. “AND YOU APPEAR TO BE A MAN WEARING A DRESS.”

“It's not really a dress, it's more of a nightgown,” Hal explained.

“OH.”

The figure seemed lost for a moment.

“THAT'S STILL A DRESS.”

“Perhaps,” Hal acknowledged. He'd had this discussion enough with his ex wife Marcie to know not to get entrenched in semantics.

“ONLY WOMEN WEAR DRESSES.”

Hal considered this statement. “Yet here I am, a man wearing a dress regardless.”

“DARE YOU FLOUT MY NORMS!?” Reality seemed to quiver with rage as it propped its hands on its hips and glared at Hal.

“Reality has laws concerning how men and women dress?” Hal asked, feeling a tremor of fear rising in his stomach, just under the smooth, shiny layer of charmeuse.

“I HAVE NORMS. YOU ARE CHANGING MY NORMS. I RECEIVED NO APPLICATION FOR A NORM LAW CHANGE.”

The figure pulled out a shadowy file and opened it before Hal. Through the glass of the window, Hal could see that the file contained millions upon billions of pages, all somehow mysteriously contained in the slim outer covers.

“YOU SEE, IT IS NOT HERE,” Reality said severely after several minutes of double checking.

Hal sipped at his tea, only to discover that it had gone cold. Very cold.

“WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?” Reality thundered.

“Terribly sorry for the inconvenience. Could I perhaps, lodge the application now?”

“NO! IT IS TOO LATE! YOU MUST REMOVE THE DRESS FORTHWITH!”

Though Hal was reluctant, the presence of a tall otherworldly specter at his window was enough to make him obey its commands. As he removed the gown, Reality slipped right through the window and picked at the smooth fabric with ponderous fingers.

“LOVELY.”

“I rather liked it,” Hal agreed.

“I THINK I MIGHT TEST IT. FOR QUALITY.”

Hal could but nod helplessly as reality disappeared behind the fridge with his favorite nightgown. There was a moment or two of rumbling muttering that shook the entire kitchen before reality emerged, wearing the lovely blue nightgown, which had somehow become large enough to encompass all that ever was and ever would be.

“LOVELY AND SMOOTH,” Reality noted, doing a little twirl.

“It's satin charmeuse,” Hal explained patiently.

“I LIKE IT,” Reality declared.

“Does that mean I can wear dresses?”

“YES.”

Hal looked expectantly at Reality, which was busy doing a sashaying step between the sink and the fridge. Sensing that it was being observed, Reality turned back to Hal.

“BUT NOT THIS ONE. I LIKE THIS ONE.”

Before Hal could object, Reality began to rapidly contract. In less than a second, it had slipped into the ether through a crack in the wallpaper, taking Hal's nightgown with it.

“Reality,” Hal noted sagely, “has a well known lingerie bias.”