The (Online) Dating Game

I'm sure there are many of you who thought you were perfectly content in your singleness. You come and go as you please, and can be sloppy for days at a time because you only have yourself to answer to. Life is good. That is, until your BFF's get a hold of you. Don't get me wrong, they are concerned, loving, and caring people who only have your best interest at heart. And right now, that interest in centered on your not having a spouse, significant other, or main squeeze. They know how miserable and lonely you really are and think you are so brave to try and not show it. They talk in hushed whispers behind your back, and look at you like they've just been told you have only six months to live, but you have no clue. No matter what you say, it falls on deaf ears. They know what's best for you even if you don't see it right now. They are trying to save you from yourself and those titles that follow unattached people like you. You know them, old maid, spinster, etc.

Because they can no longer watch you suffer alone, they have decided that the only way to save you is through an intervention. Thanks to technology, there are so many ways to help you find that perfect someone to relieve you of the freedom of being single you so much enjoy. Yes, life as you know it is about to change. You are getting ready to enter The (Online) Dating Game. (Twilight Zone theme music plays.)

Who knew there were so many online dating sites? You don't even have to look for them. Just sign up with one, and the rest will find you! There are dating sites for every possible kind of match; young people, old people, and every ethnic group. There are sites for gay people, straight people, even people who are not sure what they are. There are Christian sites, non-Christian sites, Satanic sites and occult sites. The web is a virtual smorgasbord of places to meet other people. You can also choose if you want a serious or casual relationship, marriage, or just a pen pal. There are sites that cater to the average joe, others that only handle millionaires, and everything in between. How in the world does one choose? (Jeopardy! 'Think' music.)

Before you can scan the potential matches, you have to fill out your profile information. It sounds harmless enough, just the basic information. Let's see, name, city, state, user name, and password. Hold on, what's this? My height and weight? My body type? My birthday, including year? How much can you fudge the truth? You didn't want a 2-way street here, you just wanted the information about them. What kind of game are they playing? No one said anything about other people looking at you! Oh, and speaking about looking at you, they want a picture. Let me guess, they want a recent picture. See if you can just get a head-shot on your cell phone.

The second part of the profile wants to know, What I am like? That's easy, you'v'e known yourself for a long time, and have liked you up to this point. You drink socially, you don't smoke, you have children but none live at home. Ok, no problem here. Oops, spoke too soon. What am I looking for in a match? How the heck do you know? You weren't looking for a match; your friends were looking for a match. And right now the term 'friends' is being used very loosely.

So now you've given out all this information about yourself and have yet to see anyone else's profile. You've heard horror stories about the people who stalk these kinds of sites looking for easy prey. What are you doing here? Your friend is always reminding you that she found her husband on a dating site. Thinking of her husband, that's not the best recommendation. Well, on to the final step, let's look at their 'suggested' matches. (How Do I Know is playing.

Remembering the show "America's Most Wanted", you're sure you've seen some of these guys on it! No, seriously. All that's missing are the numbers underneath their picture! See, you knew you didn't want to do this. What were your friends thinking? Why did they have to interfere? You've seen better looking homeless people. And some have their noses so high in the air, if they got caught in a good storm, they'd drown! There are fifty-seven pages of profiles with twenty thumbnail pictures per page. And this is only one site! This is going to take forever. They make it look so easy on T.V.

Enough already! You've decided to delete your profile. This is no way to find someone to spend your life with. Especially if you're not looking. Just then there's a notice that someone has just viewed your profile. You're about to exit the site when you decide to take one last look. You click on the new picture and you can't believe your eyes. He's wonderful. The right age, the right height, the right everything. What's that thumping? Wow, it's your heart. It's been so long, you didn't recognize the feeling. Is it possible your friends were right all along? Would life be fuller with someone to share it with? Do you dare send him a message? Why not, what do you have to lose but your singleness? (Let's Get It On starts playing.)