What NOT to Wear - Seriously!
90
Okay, when were mirrors outlawed in some areas of the U.S? And how come nobody told me about it? That’s the only explanation I have to explain some of the clothing choices I’ve been seeing lately. I’ve always tried to follow the sage advice of the gifted philosopher, Drew Carry, who said, “If it don’t look good naked, cover it the hell up!”
I’m fat. I know I’m fat – and I have a mirror. I dress accordingly. The only revealing thing I ever wear is a low-cut blouse occasionally, when we go to a party. This is the one part of the female anatomy where most men seem to prefer “fat.” Somehow the looking-glass Nazis overlooked the mirrors in my house and did not confiscate them. Unfortunately, many citizens in the South were not so lucky. Somewhere there’s a huge warehouse filled to the brim with mirrors of every sort, while their former owners are in a state of total denial without the constant reminders of their own reflected images.
For some strange reason, the mirror-challenged seem to frequent Walmart…a lot. You can see a few of them in there most any time of day, but to witness the truly hardened image criminals in large numbers, you’ll need to go to the retail giant at around two or three in the morning. That’s when the truly delusional come out. I suppose they think the cover of darkness will hide them, but unfortunately, inside the store are glaring bright lights that hide nothing.
On any of my typical wee-hours shopping adventures to Wally World, there’s no telling what I might see in the way of bad apparel. I usually see several huge middle-aged women who have crammed their size 12 extra extra wide feet into size 8 narrow high heels. The results resemble dough rising up and over the shoes in the flesh’s effort to escape its bonds. Sometimes these ladies can barely hobble around in these “cruel shoes,” but hey, they think they look good, and beauty knows no pain.
And speaking of pain, what’s up with all these really fat women and spandex? Do they think hot pink skin tight spandex is slimming?? That kind of outfit just has to be painful. I mean really, I don’t see how some of them breathe. It seems that circulation to important parts of their body would be severely restricted.
Evidently, The Dukes of Hazzard must have a cult following here in the deep South. You know how Trekkies go to those nerdy conventions and dress up like their favorite Star Trek characters? Walmart must be the gathering site for Hazzard aficionados, and they’re all fans of the same character – Daisy Duke. How have I come to this conclusion? Because they’re all wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes. For non-U.S. readers who aren’t familiar with this particular article of clothing, let me explain. Daisy Dukes are cut-off bluejean shorts – “shorts” being the key word. These things are so short that the bottom half of the wearer’s ass cheeks hang out the bottom. Yeah, these might look sexy on Daisy, but the women I’m referring to would make at least three of Ms. Hazzard.
And one more thing about the Walmart mirrorless crowd: Why the midriff tops? Weren’t they designed to show off a flat, taut belly? Perhaps one with six-pack abs? I don’t think the original designer meant for them to serve as a showcase for displaying gunts and twattermelons. I’ve seen plenty of women wearing these short tops who had more rolls than Parkerhouse.
Okay, enough about Walmart. Let’s examine another venue where clothing miscalculations are rampant: the beach. Ironically (and thankfully so), the slim-challenged around here seem to get suddenly modest and conservative when going to the beach. Go figure. It’s usually the opposite end of the spectrum who decide to eschew the advice of the venerable Mr. Carry. Here, it’s the old bony folks who want to show off their svelte bods.
My husband and I once witnessed a perfect male body contest in Nassau, where plenty of gorgeous male hunks were competing. They all had bulging muscles, broad shoulders, and glistening sun-kissed skin, and I must admit, I was enjoying all the eye candy. Then from the back of the crowd the last contestant appears. He had to be at least 85 years old – seriously. He paraded out onto the stage in a muscle shirt and a pair of long swim trunks, and I thought it was kinda cute. But then he began stripping off his clothes in time to the music. I was horrified and tried not to look, but my eyes were glued to him. It’s like passing a bad wreck on the highway – you don’t really want to see all the blood and gore, but something compels you to gawk. The old guy ended up with just a tiny Speedo. He closely resembled a little white sheet in bad need of ironing.
And then there are the old ladies at the beach who are so skinny that they have absolutely no butt or boobs, yet they insist on wearing the smallest g-string they can find. When your hip bones stick out farther than your boobs, you’re too skinny. When you can store change and other small items in the wrinkles on your body, you don’t need to be in a thong. When you can count every rib on a body and even the breast bone, you’re too skinny to be showing off your body! I don’t want to see old Grim Reaper-types in bikinis or Speedos any more than I want to see Jabba the Hut-types in revealing clothing. Heck, I just want to buy the bony ones a hotdog or something.
A public high school is another venue rampant in clothing crimes. When I was teaching, I got soooo tired of seeing the underwear of "cool, hip" male students. The waist of their jeans would somehow hug the lower section of their buttocks, defying gravity. Thank God their boxers were snug enough to spare me the view of their bare asses. Frankly, I'm rather surprised I never got charged with sexual harassment - as they entered my classroom, and I was standing by my doorway, I'd always reach over, grab a belt loop, and pull up their pants. And the girls were just as bad - maybe worse. As I would stroll around the room with my students seated, 99% of the females were showing off their "coin slots" and thongs above their oh-so-low-hung jeans. Wonder what I would have received if I had dropped in a quarter? Fired, probably!
Hmmm…can’t get those ribs out of my mind. Think I’ll go get some barbecue!
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Comments
Thanks, Jib! I often dress in bright colors, but I don't show skin that no one wants to see! You know what I mean. lol
I always say that some people couldn't have look into a mirror. You should dress to look nicer and not more awful. Thank you for this hub.
Great Commentary, I had a hub similar to this in the chute, but your version tops what I was writing, filed mine with the mirrors.
“Twattermelons” now that’s funny, God I love “Southern Speak,” we really are a creative lot when it comes to vocabulary.
Your hub reminds me of the lady I heard say somewhere, “her favorite store was Dollar General,” she liked it better than Walmart because “you didn’t have to get all dressed up to go like you do for Wally World”
Very funny stuff, keep it up and I’ll invite you to my next redneck birthday party.
LOL you have me laughing now! hahaha You are right on too. Do you know about peopleofwalmart.com? check it out habee
HH, thanks for stopping by!
Ready, I'd LOVE to come to your birthday party! Can I wear my bermuda-alls?
Charlie, I'll check out the site. Wonder if my friend has been to it. She had seen a pic somewhere of a lady in pink spandex, and I had just seen one in Walmart. We started discussing what not to wear, so I decided to write about it.
Oh no! I think I need to invest in a full length mirror! Hee, hee, hee...Fun article!
Thanks, trose! It was meant in fun!
This was one of the funniest pieces that I've read in a long time. By the way it's not just down south, it's all over. Here in sunny So. Cal, believe me it's worse. And we get it all year long. Skinny here is worshiped, so your observation about the beach bunnies are really prevalent here. More, more, more!
Thanks, FF. Nice to know it's not just "us"!
You forgot about the women who wear the midrift shirts to only have their sides and belly ooze out of it! Also I have acually seen women wear curlers to the store! cute hub
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
What a treat! It takes a lot to make me laugh but you pulled it off wonderfully! My pet peeve is hipster jeans which, apart from poster models, don't look good on anybody.
I totally agree. When I was teaching, I got so tired of seeing all the teenage girls' butt "coin slots"! Thanks for visiting!
that was great,,i'm not fat and i'm not too skinny..size 6..but I hate seeing bony chicks with their ribs sticking out on the beach..and I really hate the spandex with crop top look on those big women...its pretty gross..thanks for the laughs
Yes, a good fun one. A few candid pics along the way would have been nice - or maybe not!
I am fairly new to the HubPages. So new, I still have not written a Hub yet. Instead, I am reading about Hubbers and what they have to say.
Lady, I must tell you, that your Hub I jsut read is so well written, I am still laughing.
You have a talent few have, never forget.
The way you write is so unique, you are an original thinker.
Keep on Hubbing, so one day, your healing words will be published as they should.
You style of writing is so out there, you touched me deeply.
Few do.
You have a talent and a knack, never forget. We need people like you to inspire us to surpass our daily challenges.
Paraglider, I thought about adding pics, but I didn't want to offend anyone. Thaks for reading!
Lapis, wow! Your words mean a lot to me! Let me know when you get a hub or two up so I can read them!
This is really funny, but oh so true! I'd love to find that warehouse and start re-distributing those mirrors.
Maybe we could make it a hub group project! Thanks for visiting!
HH, thanks for stopping by!
great hub. And Walmart is for the clothing impaired, for sure.
Thanks for reading, Misty!
Great hub. I will confess I hate the baggy pants halfway down the boxer shorts look most. I know I would be arrested as some kind of pervert if I ever walked up to some kid and pulled their pants up, but it's still tempting. My next-most hated look is the wrinkly-skinned old-lady fitness freaks, parading around in string bikinis, the skin on their bony flesh radiating with a pre-cancerous glow from too many hours spent in a tanning booth. I realize I'm not really talking fashion here, but every time I see one of these ladies I wince.
Thanks for your post, I'm still laughing.
I think that is true especially In America. In Europe most people are more fashion conscious. You rarely see those horrors walking around the streets of Paris, Milano, Rome or Barcelona.
Thanks, Mike. I totally agree!
Anath, I think you're right. We're a rowdy bunch here who often don't pay enough attention to the "fashion ploice"! Thanks for reading.
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thank you
Kudos! As I often tell my teenage son, "If I wanted to see your underpants, I'd look in your dresser!" :)
Funny! We used to be embarrassed when people saw our underwear! Thanks for reading.
Thanks for all the information you delivered this has kept me occupied I hope you have more information in the future thanks interesting!
This is a great hub, funny but true.
Unfortunately, some people with distorted body images don't see themselves as they really are when they look into the mirror.
As for the baggy pants half way down the boxer shorts and the thongs sticking out over of too low rise jeans, I console myself with the knowledge that like all outrageous fashion fads this too shall pass.
As always, a fun read. Thanks! I have no less than 7 mirrors in my house so maybe I need to share!
I agree with "Disturbia" - I'm counting on the fact that this too shall pass. Remember how our mothers nagged us because of the length of our skirts? I remember my mother actually making me perform various tasks to ensure that I could do it without others seeing my "business". :)
Oh, Disturbia and Rope, I certainly hope it passes...quickly! Thanks to both of you for reading and commenting!
We live in a classless society! People show little or no class these days. I enjoy watching old movies and seeing old photos of teh past. Imagine, men and women actually taking time to dress well. we have gone from men wearing sport jackets, ties, and stylish headwear to the slob and grunge look.
The rock band ZZ Top had a song entitled " Sharp Dressed Man ". Daily we see men wearing ballcaps sideway and backward and wrong ways. Newsflash!!! Wearing hats indoor is considered rude and rube.
Most men today look like train wrecks. No belts, dirty shoes, miss match clothes and ungroomed. He see people dining out like pigs at a slurry trough. Children are also lost in etiquettes. Foul mouthed and little manners, the parents are simply not fit to raise our future generation.
Many American women are just as bad. Latino women will say how they enjoy being "feminine" while the average American woman goes out looking like a scene from " Night Of The Living Dead". No makeup, shabby stained clothes, and unkept hair. Imagine Marlyn Monroe or Greta Garbo being seen as a slob.
We also see people trying to pull off looks that are criminal compared to the ones who can pull of fashion statements. Like the mobidly overweight guy on the beach wearing Speedos or the severely out of shape woman trying to impersonate a pin up.
I would like to see schools bring back community dress standards and implement a class on self respect and throw in Emily Post's "Book Of Etiquette."
I don't care if you're skinny or fat, I don't want to see your thong sticking out of your pants. I don't mind seeing anyone wearing low cut jeans, but come on, either wear a shirt long enough to pull down over the pants, or wear a belt so that nothing is exposed. Seriously, who wants to look at that?
Spandex. Ugh. I'm thin and I won't even wear spandex. I'm convinced you have to have the absolute right body to pull that look off. I wish instead of removing all mirrors someone would remove all spandex. Then we wouldn't have to worry about people stuffing themselves into spandex pants. Yuck.
I could not have said it better myself! You definitely have a future in writing. I absolutely laughed out loud almost the whole way through reading your hub. You rock!
Hi, Mort. I'm not all into fashion or anything, but I do know what is and is not appropriate. Thanks for reading.
Geekchick, you sound like a pretty smart cookie! Glad you stopped by!
Emily, I am so glad you enjoyed the hub! Please come back to visit! I have several funny hubs - I love to laugh and to make others laugh!
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WOW! i had a great time reading this hilarious hub. I like your style. Keep posting. BLESSINGS! :)
I'm glad you got some giggles! Thanks!
Lol totally agree, nothin worse than the g-string scenario !
Hey there, Tattoo! I finally figured out who you are. Glad you stopped by for a read!
your style of writing amazes me.wish i wrote like you.
this hub gave me a good laugh... :)
thanks for sharing...
Itcoll, wow! Thanks for the wonderful compliment!
Aefrancisco, Glad you got some chucks from the hub. Thanks for reading!
this hub gave me a good laugh... :)
thanks for sharing...
Glad yopu enjoyed it, Roshna! Thanks for visiting.
Great site !
very true yet funny. sometimes, people just were whats in in fashion and thinks they are hot, but they don't really consider how they look, wearing the latest trend does not follow that you look hot...
Good reminder that retro clothes don't have to be worn, some of us already look retro ;>
Funny, but sadly it's all true. I think our mind is much more powerful than our eyes in creating what we think we look like. You've touched on most of my pet peeves. Of course another thing that makes me shake my head is people, women in particular, who wear their hair the same way they did when they were teenagers and now they are 50. It's long, fried, and nasty ....complete with the combs, and scrunchies that were popular 30 years ago. I want to take a razor to their heads sooo bad.
I am afraid that I would agree with the comment about the US and Europe. It is a huge generalisation but people (most particularly in southern Europe) tend to dress better than in the States. Has anyone been to Spain and seen the dress sense there?
Thanks for reading, Clare!
I agree, Midnight. Style should be more individualized.
Shareitt, I'm in the same boat! Thanks.
Mulberry, your comment made me laugh, but it's very true. Glad you visited!
Nicks, I'm sure you're right. I don't bother to "dress up" unless we're going out to a special event. Thanks for reading!
Nice hub! A coin slot on your back due to an ill-fitting pants is a no no. Thank you for this!
hi habee,
I have a low down pants and my T back always showing, the pants was given by my sister but I didnt wear it anymore as my eldest son thought it is not cool, dress accordingly and age appropriately too....
and am flat chested so I dont wear v neck, am thin, LOL
I like the humour in your writing,
Merry Xmas habee, to you and your family, Maita
Thanks, Mousse and Maita. Good of you to pay me a visit!
LOL!
You mean mirrors were outlawed in the US as well? It's not just Canada? We've got chicks walking around here with their shorts so short the pockets are hanging out the front! (Or at least I hope those are their pockets) Great article!
Hi, anonymous! Glad you enjoyed, and thanks for reading!
Great Commentary
Hi habee -- what a laugh, you got me going here, very well done! Midriff tops are the biggest offenders for me, I really can't get them on certain people. I keep telling myself, to each their own, but by gob, some people just have too much their own to show it off in a top! Laugh! Kudos, chica!
Ha! Your comment made me laugh, Elena. Thanks for reading!
And God gave them his blessing and said to them, Be fertile and have increase, and make the earth full and be masters of it; be rulers over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing moving on the earth.
haha habee...now I and hubby and baby gil are back in ur heart home of tucson but dadgumit the wally perople are stll here!! dont you also hate the pjs that have dirt ebedded into them six inches form the cff and dont forget the fuzzy bedroom slippers!!
I keep hoping that by now the kids would have figured out that by wearing their pannts down below there butt was the prisons-persrsons way of saying "I will take it up my b--- if you protect me..."
on the other handd, marylyn I will never be...the makeup stopped when the enlightenment stated, my face cleaned up and the bra camw off...now it goes on only for work ,..no daisydukes for me even when I was small enough to wear them!!!,
just blue jeans and a
sweater or a shirt with my sleeveless down vest....a cowgirl at heart
great hub!!
Barb, I'm the same way! I only wear makeup to fancy parties anymore, and if I could go out in public without a bra, I would!! Glad you stopped by!
thanks for the chuckles this late afternoon... excellent writing. funny about the mirrors, I once went to a walmart to buy a cheap sun hat for a trip I was taking, I walked all over looking for one mirror and couldn't find any!! I had to go into a dressing room to try on a hat... :/ thanks for sharing.
Funny about the hat! Glad you got some chucks from reading the hub, and thanks for visiting!
gunt and twattermelon now those are two words that had me laughing out loud. You are such a terrific writer. You can write just about anything now can't you! Thanks for the laugh!
What a funny article! Especially about the size 8 shoes!
Oh, thanks, Tammy. You made my day!
24, I'm so glad you got some chucks from the article. And thanks for visiting! come back soon - I have more funny pieces.
jiberish says:
2 months ago
How True! I went to the mall two days ago, and the manikins look like they all shrunk to a size zero. I'm a fairly small person, but ..give me a break! If you go to the woman's department, the clothes are all plain, and old looking. I think I have some of those same clothes in my closet from years ago. Who ever designs the clothes obviously never wore them. I agree, some people should just stay away from spandex! Very Funny, keep Hubbing!