A Selection of Irish Jokes

The Irish are well-known for their sense of humor and especially for their ability to laugh at themselves. They also have many proverbs and blessings, some of which I will outline in another hub.

Here is a selection of Irish jokes, designed to make you laugh, giggle or at least smile. As you know, laughter is good for you!

Cassidy was in the hospital covered in bandages with only two slits for his eyes. His friend Murphy called to see him and asked him what happened.

Cassidy said " I was staggering out of a pub the worse for drink and a lorry hit me and sent me flying through a plate-glass window."

Murphy answered "Aren't you lucky you were wearing those bandages or you would have been cut to pieces!"

Mickey and Paddy got themselves a job in a sawmill cutting timber. On the first day, before lunchtime, Paddy shouts to Mickey "Hey Mickey, i just lost a finger!"

Mickey answers "How did you manage to do that Paddy?"

"I just touched that big thing that spins around like this.Oh no, I've just lost another finger!"

There is a tradition in the jokes culture in Ireland to tell jokes about Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman. One of these jokes has the three of them in the desert. The Englishman is carrying a bucket,the Scotsman is carrying an umbrella and the Irishman is carrying a car door. When they met a local, he asked them why they were carrying these objects. Paddy the Englishman said "If it rains, I can collect water in the bucket." Paddy the Scotsman said "If it rains, I can shelter with the umbrella" and Paddy the Irishman said "If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window."

Jokes about blondes are also common and many people enjoy them. For example, a man is driving along the road with a blonde woman in the passenger seat and asks her to look out the car window to check if his indicator lights are working. The blonde looks out and says "Yes,No,Yes,No,Yes,No..."

Paddy and his wife have been married for a long time. One day, his wife asked him "Paddy, we have been married a long time and I know you have slept with other women. How many other women have you slept with?"
Paddy answers "I have never slept with anyone else but you. I was awake for the others."

Paddy and Mickey are walking down the street when Paddy falls down a hole. Mickey calls down to ask him if he is alright. Paddy says "Call me an ambulance" and Mickey says "Alright, you're an ambulance"

Paddy is in hospital and has just had his leg amputated. The doctor tells him "I have good news and bad news." Paddy tells him to tell him the bad new first. The doctor says "We cut off the wrong leg." Paddy asked him "What is the good news?" The doctor replied "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?....His lips are moving.

We had Paddy the Englishman,Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman. Now we have an Irishman,a Frenchman and an Italian in a pub. They each find a fly in their glasses of beer. The Italian takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Frenchman demands another beer. The Irishman pulls the bug out of the beer and starts shaking it,saying "Cough it up, you thief!"

Finally,a woman and a man had a head-on collision in their cars. When they got out they were both amazed how they weren't killed or seriously injured. The woman said that she had a bottle of whiskey in her car to celebrate. The man drank some of the whiskey and offered it back to the woman who declined saying "I think I'll just wait for the police."

If you enjoyed reading these jokes you might like to read A Collection of Irish Jokes which has more humorous stories, some of which are actually true.