A Tanzanian Tetra spermataphora finessiata

A Tanzanian Tetraspermataphorafinessiata
A Tanzanian Tetraspermataphorafinessiata | Source

Sprouting from the pungently overripe innards of a gargantuan soccermelon is a rare Tanzanian Tetraspermataphorafinessiata.

Translated roughly as a ‘flowering plant that sprouts from four clone seeds and bears filigreed leaves of hairy lace’ — or something like that — this flowering whatzis blooms for a total of only 7 seconds or so, each time the vernal equinox falls on the fourth Friday in March while the Moon is on the wane and the humidity hovers near 65 percent. (Good thing I had a high-speed camera.) So far, there have been only thirteen bloomings of this flower throughout recorded history. Scientists next expect it to blossom on March 22, 2418  — if their weather predictions for that morning prove to be correct.

Although its peculiar life-cycle might seem to make this floral plant extremely rare, and thus both highly desired and exorbitantly expensive, it has always been in very low demand among botanists and horticulturists. Its aroma — not unlike that of 3 dead bubonic vampire bats with garlic flatus rotting within a moldy eggplant — may be the reason.

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