Confessions- A new beginning
Like an Angel sent from above, he came into my life out of the blue. At a time when I was waiting for death to take me away. I was in a place where nothing mattered to me anymore. I was broken, shattered and damaged beyond repair. My life was devoid of light. Darkness was all I could see everywhere around me with no certainty of what the future held.The hard lessons of this cruel life had turned me into a cold person, a person with no emotions and a heart which was as good as dead and honestly I couldn't care less of changing myself into a better version. It was as though the world had ceased to be of any interest to me. That changed the moment 'he' walked into my life.
From the second I started having conversations with him, I knew he was special. Of all the people I've come across, he somehow stood out to me & before I knew it, I was confiding in him with my silliest fears to the darkest and the deepest secrets of my life. That astonished me as trust is something I've never learnt to do and it is the one thing people around me have always found it hard to earn. But here I was, trusting him with my life.
Something about him convinced me that he would never betray me. Something about the way he looked screamed he would never cause me any harm, wantedly or otherwise! The aura emitting from him seemed to wash my fears away and his voice full of unmistakable emotions never failed to calm me down.
Healing me and fixing my heart with his ability to love unconditionally, he became my medicine to recover from the dark phase that I was going through. With his ability of being the ever-caring-sweetheart that he is, he was changing me into a better person. I was smiling and laughing genuinely like almost after what seemed like an eternity.
With him, I could be myself without the fear of being judged. I could tell him anything and never for once regret having said it. He was my Knight in shining armor, a companion through my nasty mood swings, a person who was making my dead heart beat again.
Everything was going on amazingly, Until a few days back when he confessed he was in love with me which shook me pretty bad.. Yeah there he was confessing his feelings and I being the drama queen that I'm, had to press the panic button. As soon as I heard him say those three words, I could feel my head go dizzy. Infact I was so taken aback that I had to lean on the wall to avoid myself from completely blacking out. I couldn't understand what, why, when and how things had changed. All I knew was I couldn't lose him for anything in the world. I needed him and I needed him bad. As selfish as it may sound, I asked him to give me some time. I loved him no doubt but being in love with him was something I couldn't bring my self to accept or even have the guts to find out.
Even before I could give us a proper chance, I panicked & gave him reasons for why we can't be together and why this won't work out and why we are not meant to be(though I never tried finding out!). Honestly those were just excuses for my own insecurities. As the voices in my head never seem to stop haunting me, I'm scared that I would've to let him go if his feelings change, which I know would be the death of me. I just cannot survive another loss yet again. I'm just scared that the change might change it all, for which I'm not ready. It isn't that I don't trust him 'Coz I do! Its just that I don't trust myself.
Being the amazing person that he is, I know he deserves someone much better than the broken me. He deserves the happiness I would never be able to give him. He deserves someone as good and caring as he is, instead of the Cold me. Yet imagining someone else replacing me in his life is sending daggers through my heart.
For now I've no idea what I want. The only thing I know is I can't hurt him and his happiness means more than all the things put together in this world.
© Copyright Hajira Ehsan
