Confessions- A new beginning

Like an Angel sent from above, he came into my life out of the blue. At a time when I was waiting for death to take me away. I was in a place where nothing mattered to me anymore; I was broken, shattered and damaged beyond repair. My life was devoid of light. Darkness was all I could see everywhere around me with no certainty of what the future held.The hard lessons of this cruel life had turned me into a cold person, a person with no emotions and a heart which was as good as dead and honestly I couldn't care less of changing myself into a better version. It was as though the world had ceased to be of any interest to me. That changed the moment 'he' walked into my life.

From the second I started having conversations with him, I knew he was special. Of all the people I've come across, he somehow stood out to me & before I knew it, I was confiding in him with my silliest fears to the darkest and the deepest secrets of my life. That astonished me as 'trust' is something I've never learned to do and its one thing people around me have always found it hard to earn. But here I was, trusting him with my life..

Something about him convinced me that he would never betray me. Something about the way he looked, screamed he would never cause me any harm, wantedly or otherwise! The aura emitting from him seemed to wash my fears away and his voice full of unmistakable emotions never failed to calm me down.

Healing me and fixing my heart with his ability to love unconditionally, he became my medicine to recover from the dark phrase that I was going through. With his ability of being the 'Ever-caring-sweetheart' that he is, he was changing me into a better person. I was smiling and laughing genuinely like almost after what seemed like an eternity.

With him, I could be myself without the fear of being judged. I could tell him anything and never for once regret having said it. He was my Knight in shining armor, a companion through my nasty mood swings, a person who was making my dead heart beat again.

Everything was going on amazingly, Until a few days back when he confessed he was in love with me which shook me pretty bad.. Yeah there he was confessing his feelings and I being the drama queen that I'm, had to press the panic button. As soon as I heard him say those three words, I could feel my head go dizzy. Infact I was so taken aback that I had to lean on the wall to avoid myself from completely blacking out., I couldn't understand what, why, when and how things had changed. All I knew was I couldn't lose him for anything in the world. I needed him and I needed him bad. As selfish as it may sound, I asked him to give me some time. I loved him no doubt but being in love with him was something I couldn't bring my self to accept or even have the guts to find out.

Even before I could give us a proper chance, I panicked & gave him reasons for why we can't be together and why this won't work out and why we are not meant to be(though I never tried finding out!). Honestly those were just excuses for my own insecurities. As my past never seems to stop haunting me, I'm scared that I would've to let him go if his feelings change, which I know would be the death of me. I'm just scared that the change might change it all, for which I'm not ready. Its not that I don't trust him 'Coz I do! Its just that I don't trust myself.

Being the amazing person that he is, I know he deserves someone much better than the broken me. He deserves the happiness I would never be able to give him. He deserves someone as good and caring as he is, instead of the Cold me. Yet imagining someone else replacing me in his life is sending daggers through my heart.

For now I've no idea what I want. The only thing I know is I can't hurt him and his happiness means more than all the things put together in this world.


© Copyright Hajira Ehsan


More by this Author

  • Forgiveness-Poem
    13

    First time in years am feeling So relaxed and relieved. I am liberated from your shackles, Your memories have finally lost their feel. The tears have dried, The pain has faded away. Now, it feels so good to be...

  • Angel sent from above- Poem
    39

    An Angel sent down from heaven For a heart which needed mending. A wonderful person; a true friend, Without whom my wounds would still be bleeding. An angel whose deep dark eyes invite me in Trusting...

  • I Can't move on- Poem
    28

    Night is pulling me into its darkness, Ur face is all I can see when I close my eyes. I hear your voice ringing deep in my ears I lie awake & pray for it to be daylight. Tears slowly drift down my cheeks And I...


Comments 33 comments

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Hi, Hajira,

I have to ask...is this fiction, or is this your life?

I look at your picture and I see a lovely young woman, so I'm confused.


Darknlovely3436 profile image

Darknlovely3436 5 years ago from NewYork

profound ... enjoy reading this(:)it hard for mt also when someone told that they love me...i usally frozehttp://hubpages.com/literature/Bulletproofing-my-h


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

Hey Will,

As much as I would like to say its Fiction, sadly it isn't! Life seems to be annoyed with me and happiness seems to have forgotten my address.

Thanks for stopping by Will,

Have a great day ahead!


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Darknlovely- I understand all the emotions that must've caused you to freeze, its so astonishing how those three words can have such an affect on Us.

And yeah I read your poem, its just amazing. Something I could relate to.

Thanks for stopping by- M glad you enjoyed reading this

Take care :)


neeleshkulkarni profile image

neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

if his happiness means so much to you child why not just go down on your kness say sorry to have taken so long to accept him and say the three magic words.it is not only for his sake but for your own too that this is a must.

However i understand that sometimes we can accept people as friends but beyond that cannot let them into our lives though this means we have want to partake of what they are offering us but have no desire to reciprocate.Though this is deeply selfish and exploitative of the other but one cannot give away oneself just out of gratitude since that would result in long term problems.

even the selfish part can be explained away by understanding that maybe his giving you an ear was also out of the desire to posess you finally.

either is possible but after this you either have to understand that you have to let him go since you cannot take this further and have to live without the crutch of his prresence since it came with a price you could not pay or you need to accept him and live a fulfilled life .

make the choice and make ONE choice.sometimes the simplest things have the most profound impact on our lives.

Go for it child GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but be clear about what you are doing and why.


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@NeeleshKulkarni- I wish I could do that, Sir. But sometimes things take their own time to work out. I am sure about him but the thing is I'm not sure of living without him if something goes wrong. He has become my drug to survive and I'm addicted to the very him.

The possibility of him being there with me in times of need just because he could posses me at the end is not something I agree with. If you knew him as I do, you would delete that possibility completely..

I know I need to make a choice and make it real soon, But I just hope I make the right one.

Thank you so much, Sir for taking the time to read this hub and helping me see things in a better perspective.

Have a great day ahead :)

Take care


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

Dear Hajira,

I beleive people come into our lives as a gift..to help heal our broken hearts..they are like healing medicine..Running will only bring you back to the same place later..at least you recognise this..I will keep you in my thoughts and right now.this morning, I will say a prayer for you..Letting go..is the hardest..trusting in the here and now..Your hub was honest and heartfelt...You have the answers..I ran from my second husband after having such a failed first marriage..the thing is he ran after me until I couldn't run anymore and I knew. Sending a big hug.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

You have to let go of the fear of hurting him leading to your heart being broken. You have to face fear. You will find that fear is afraid.

Life is not annoyed with you and happiness does know your address. It is right in front of you begging you to open the door and allow the happiness in store for you in.


afreen 5 years ago

omg haj!!! m really shaken hard reading all this..!!! i dono wat to say.. u have talent of writtin, but all of this tells me a completely other story i imagined in my head!!


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

If he truly loves you,then time isn't a barrier.;)


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica

You need to start healing so you can find happiness. Everyone deserves someone, everyone deserves to be happy including you.


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Sunnie Day- You are so right Sunnie. Sometimes special people walk into our lives and fill us with hope and happiness by their ever charming and amazing personas. Blessed are we to have such people in our life. Blessed I am, to have him in my life.

I get your point- I'll try my best not to run from things anymore and will atleast try giving it a chance.

Thank you so much Sunnie for all your prayers and blessings.. I need them. As Shanaya says you really are our 'Hub Mom'

Take care and keep smiling :)

(Hugs back to You!)


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Dexter- I'm so pleased to see you here Dexter..!! Your prayers do work wonders.. I'm gonna go on a limb here now and open that door to happiness.

Thank you so much for your immense support-Means a great deal to me :)

Much love

take care


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Afreen- You never know what's true & what's not :)

Thanks for reading this..

Muuuah :)


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Menatlist Acer- I hope so he does and is willing to wait until I'm ready for this.. I can't afford to lose him

Thanks for stopping by :)

Keep smiling


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Cardisa- Thank you so much for your concern Cardisa- M truly touched..

Yes, I think I'm on my way up there. Its gonna take a while to bring down the walls completely but I'm gonna do it..

Thanks again for always reaching out to me :)

Take care

(Hugs and smiles)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

We are taught from childhood by popular music lyrics, Hollywood movies, and novels that our own sense of happiness is somehow dependent on the happiness of others ("I can't be happy unless you're happy too."), so it's not surprising that a lovely and bright young lady can be so confused.

Many of us have had to learn that happiness comes from within, and not from someone's approval. We must first love and respect ourselves. After that, we can have a healthy relationship, rather than a relationship where we have to check on how someone else feels so we will know how we should feel.

Do a little self-inventory, Hajira, and look at yourself with an open and realistic mind. I think you'll like what you see. It's time to reject the notion that you need someone to 'make you happy'. Learn to be content with who you are, and then your relationships will flourish.

Why should you expect someone love you when you refuse to love yourself?


travislang profile image

travislang 5 years ago

i have to say some thing here, ands i am speaking of expirence. you see he said those 3 words to you because he saw that you were more then you think you are. and the fact that you could trust him and that your aura allowed you 2 to intertwine, tells alot about your feeling on a subcouncious level.

my wife today felt the same as you do 5 years ago. if it wasnt for me insisting and not giving in and her to say just so she would shut me up, we would have missed out on a true soul mate made in heaven. we were and still perfect in every shape or form together, but my point is this you will have passed up something that your inner desires are wanting badly and you will never have peace within your self if you dont give this a shot.

you are worth the peace and worth loving, trusting, and every thing sweet and nice in this world. but no one can give that to you but you your self. you are the only obne with the power. but what most dont know is how to access the power, to access it all you have to do is just let go. that is all let go and trust in the universe. it may bring you hard times or heart acke, but only to bring you true happiness and love and peace at the end.


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Willstar- Its true that happiness comes from within but sometimes the joy of seeing the one's we love happy is indescribable. Like the way a mother feels when she sees her son smile or the way a father feels when he sees his daughter takes her first steps.

Yes, I see what you mean with the whole self discovering thing and will keep that in mind..

Thank you so much Will for your words of endless Wisdom, I know they're gonna help me in the long run.

Keep smiling and do take care :)


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Travislang- Your story of you and your beloved wife being in the same situation 5yrs back is making me think about things I wouldn't have considered otherwise. Seeing the way things shaped out for you both at the end, I'm determined of giving this atleast one shot.

I'm glad you read this hub and took the time of letting me know about your experience- You've been of an immense help.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Take care and have a blissful life with your other half.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

"Its true that happiness comes from within but sometimes the joy of seeing the one's we love happy is indescribable. Like the way a mother feels when she sees her son smile or the way a father feels when he sees his daughter takes her first steps."

Of course, but does their basic sense of well being and happiness depend on the joy they get from watching their children?

They too must love themselves first before they can have a healthy relationship with their children. A healthy relationship depends on TWO stable people who also have a healthy outlook within themselves.

Learn to love yourself. You're well worth it, and it's very important if you want a healthy, non-dependent, non-clinging relationship with your guy.


Aneequa 5 years ago

haj dats an amazing piece like always...

i guess u gotto forget wats hapnd n move on....


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

Happiness comes within. Wonderful Hub and so important for sharing - thank you.


ubanichijioke profile image

ubanichijioke 5 years ago from Lagos

O such an amazing piece. So sweet to read. I hope you give him the answer which is a capital YES. Lovely piece. Bless you


howtomodify profile image

howtomodify 5 years ago from usa

Very nice i like it


Gypsy48 profile image

Gypsy48 5 years ago

Lovely piece, let go of the past and allow happiness in your life. Hope you are well, haven't seen you on hubpages in a while:)


JadedLove 5 years ago

Very lovely. I know the pain in love but to know the pain I first knew of the beauty. They come together in the same box.


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

Thank you all for redaing this hub and finding the time to leave a comment.

@Gypsy- I am doing good! Hope everything is well on your end too. Haven't been on hubpages lately as I'm juggling between CA classes and my grad studies.

Otherwise All is well :)

Take care


shanaya profile image

shanaya 5 years ago from Living in my Own Dreams:)

Hey My dear Friend Hajira! Just be happy in your life always. Lovely Piece which came out from the beautiful Heart. I want to say only one thing Let go of the past and start living for the future. Thanks for sharing.:) LOVE YA.

VOTED UP, INTERESTING.

With lots of LOVE

from SHANAYA:)


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 4 years ago from India,bangalore Author

Awww Shanaya I'm so happy to see you here..

Yes, I've let go of the past by your's and my hub family's help and support and blessings. I'm in a wonderful place right now and Thanks to you guys I opened that door and let him in. He is an Angel.

Blessed I am to have him. Blessed I'm to have you all..

Much love :)

Keep smiling ...


howtohandbook profile image

howtohandbook 4 years ago from Riyadh

Life is fiction itself. I see life as fiction. Whatever you have written in this Hub portrays the drama of life. It might not be your own story, but it actually is of someone out there in the wild.


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 4 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Howtohandbook- It is a chapter out of my life's story and as u have pointed out so many others go through this scenario at some point in their own lives.

Thanks for reading Farhan.

Take care..


IntegrityYes 4 years ago

I voted way up!

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working