Chapter Three....There's a Storm comin'

The Story so Far...

Created by Sir Billybuc in Chapter One, A Hoop wearing transvestite and caribou wrangler Bobbi Joe meets gopher beater extraordinaire and the owner of an extraordinary wart on her chin Missy Sue at the small town of Akiachak . Bobbi Joe was in town as a hired hand at a caribou ranch. Missy Sue was here to learn musk ox cooking skills from the Inuit Chef She-Of Little-Brain. Destiny, as ever makes them run into each other. Literally.

This town is situated ( according to our resident cartographer extraordinaire and writer of Chapter Two, the delectable Susan Sarandon lookalike Terrye Toombs ) at the arsecrack of Yukon-Kuskokwim delta in Alaska.

We could all sing "Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world, took a midnite train goin' anywhere" if only we knew who the girl was!

I am sure you are now well acquainted with the story line and if you aren't, well, click and visit those previous chapters before I start this tale. Go, on , stop standing there like a hallucinating husky cuz I ain't standing here playing narrator while you dawdle. That's the way the story goes...

Akiachak, AK
Akiachak, AK

Salmon and Garfunkel

"Hello darkness my old friend" sang Bobbi Joe as s/he trimmed the hair on his/er legs. The skirt stapling had left several scars on the skin that s/he wore proud. However, tonight was a special night a trimming the foliage was called for due to the special guest.

Bobbi Joe remembered the square jaws, the extraordinary wart, the muscular shoulders and the strong arms of Missy Sue and the way she gutted the Musk Ox. For a moment s/he stood there, eyes staring at middle distance, razor poised in her hand with a half shaven leg looking like a freshly mowed lawn. Soon s/he came to the senses and finished the business before moving into the kitchen. There was fresh salmon wrapped in oil paper and ready to be filleted. There was sweet corn on the boil. There was Pinot Grigio chilling in the tin bath. (Sssh, The sale and consumption of alcohol is illegal in Akiachak).

Akiachak, Alaska

A markerAkiachak -
Akiachak, AK, USA
[get directions]

Flashback Alert:

Bobbi Joe couldn't believe that Missy Sue had accepted the invitation earlier when s/he met her at Chef Inuit's kitchen, knife in hand, bloody Musk Ox entrails on the board. "It's just .. I wondered " h/she had stuttered, "would you like to have a ...?"

Missy Sue smiled broadly and burped. That heartburn thing was back again. "Excuse me. Are you asking me out ?"

"Well not quite out. The nearest proper restaurant is 368.01 miles away. I checked on Yellow Pages. It doesn't look like Chef Brain will be cooking anytime soon. So how about coming to my place tonight. I'm making Salmon."

Miss Sue touched her wart and caressed it in contemplation. Bobbi Joe shivered. There was something about that wart thingy that made that face interesting.

"Ok. I will. You still haven't told me if you are a he or a she. Or a she who wants to be a he. Or a he who wants to be a she. Or a he just dressed up as a she with all the he bits still intact. Or a..."

Bobbi Joe shushed her. "Please. All will be revealed. I mean .. er.. I don't mean that way. I mean the facts. Anyway see you at mine. 6:00pm. Sharp. S/he turned away( hoop skirt not flappin as it was stapled to her legs, remember) and ran out rather fast.

Across the River from Akiachak
Across the River from Akiachak

Yu'pik Glossary

sit down - aqumi

yes - ii i

listen - niicugni

come here - tai tai

Beaver - paluqtaq

Black Bear - taqukaq

Moose - tuntuvak

Caribou - tuntupiaq

hello - waqaa

goodbye - piuraa

I'm sorry - pitsaqenrita

it's bad - assituq

thank you - quyana

" Missy Sue, aqumi!"
" Missy Sue, aqumi!"

Warts love got to do with it?

Missy Sue sat cross legged in front of the Legendary Inuit Chef She-of-little-brain or simply Chef Brain,

“So about the Musk Ox stew” said Missy Sue trying to get the Chef back on target. The latter had the habit of wandering off into strange lines of thought that had no clear bearing to the current conversation. “Could I have your recipe please?”

The Chef had her eye closed and her face was mapped with a thousand rivers and their tributaries. When she opened her eyes, they glinted with mischief.

“Missy Sue, do you know our language has ancient roots?”

“What language would that be?”


“I can’t pick because I don’t know!”

The Chef sighed and lit a cheroot. She squinted one eye the way Clint Eastwood does and blew a trail of bluegray smoke. “There’s a storm coming”

Town Watering hole
Town Watering hole

Cheffing in the morning sun

“It’s a clear day outside.” Miss Sue desperately wanted to get on with her cooking lesson, have a shower and pop over to Bobbi Joe's. The Musk ox was skinned, gutted and diced. Missy Sue’s shoulders ached from all the knife work. But she was good at it.

“Your presence here in our small town is no coincidence. There will be a meeting of hearts, a meeting of strangers. There will be danger” The Chef murmured as she stared into the smoke as if looking for images. Her expression changed as if she didn’t like what she saw.

"Yeah. Yeah. C'mon Chef " said Missy Sue half listening to the meandering murmurs, " I 'm here to learn but I ain't learning much " Her wart quivered with indignation.

The Chef suddenly reached forward, touched the wart and uttered a long ululating sound and said "Itakeibhorbreekeorge" with her eyes still closed.

Missy Sue was tired. She stood up and threw her apron onto the hook on the wall. "I'm off. I'll see you tomorrow Chef. The musk ox can wait. "

Chef Brain opened her eyes " Missy Sue, aqumi!"

Missy Sue didn't have time for this.

Chef Brain watched her go through the door and closed her eyes again. " Paluqtaq. Taqukaq. Tuntuvak." she whispered, "Pitsaqenrita. Assituq"

Then she walked out and looked up at the sky. A low drone could be heard in the horizon as the a tiny dot of a plane appeared.

Town church at Akiachak
Town church at Akiachak

Hit me Baby one more crime

Ramuk looked sideways at the pilot as the ancient Cessna droned and groaned over Akiachak. The Pilot, an enormous taqukaq of a man, looked half asleep. And he smelled worse than a skunk in heat.

"How long before we land?"

The Pilot had very little movement apart from clenching and re clenching his jaw at regular intervals. There was a long pause." Ten minutes. We have to land in Bethel. That's the nearest air strip to Akiachak."

Ramuk scratched his three day old beard. He hadn't shaved since he set off from HQ. A red eye to Anchorage. Then this godforsaken plane that looked ready to come apart like a child's toy in mid sky. He looked out and saw the 'U' bend of the river and the scattered houses that formed the town. somewhere down there is the one he wanted.

"So what, " The pilot twisted the controls as the Cessna took a sharp turn that made Ramuk's stomach curl up into a little ping pong ball and do a somersault that would have been awarded a full ten points at the Olympics."are you doing here?"

Ramuk patted his backpack as if to reassure himself.


"Bear? Moose? Musk Ox?"

"A killer"

The pilot went quiet again. His jaw stopped clenching.

The Cessna arched around and headed towards Bethel.


Le Cordon Bleurgh
Le Cordon Bleurgh

© 2012 Mohan Kumar

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Comments 41 comments

Julie DeNeen profile image

Julie DeNeen 4 years ago from Clinton CT

Hilarious..but I have this sneaking suspicious I've missed a memo somewhere? :)

josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania


I am still awaiting the revelation of Bobbie, and whether or not he/she is a he or a she! ROFL Great addition, and I will be eagerly awaiting the next part in the series. Thanks for sharing Docmo!

P.S. I don't think I ever want to see a wart like the one you have described in real life, LOL Sounds like it would be a monster coming alive, :)

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Thanks Julie for being the first. You should read the first two chapters. It helps. Or I think it does. sir Bill and TT have done a marvelous job.

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Thanks young Josh. I wanted to maintain the mystery for a bit longer ( or bits, as the case may be) I've given the mantle back to the safe hands of Sir Bill, as I'm sure he will continue this twisted tale further!

billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Doc, you did a marvelous job of research and I mean that sincerely. I don't know if you are aware, but I spent a year teaching in that village, and your pictures are the real deal....I even know the old woman in the picture....she worked at the school I taught at. Wonderful job; you did a lot of work on this and it shows.

tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

OMG...this gets better and better! Now a separate language and a bounty hunter? What has our Missy Sue gotten herself into? Why didn't she listen to Chef Bain...such a nail biter! I hope Billy jumps on the bandwagon real quick! (Can you tell by all the question makrs and exclamation points I'm enjoying this?)

Voted up, funny, awesome, and interesting!!!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Wow. Bill I didnt know you taught there. I should have guessed. I'm glad to find some authentic pics that I could add to this wonderful story of yours. It's spooky you know the old woman, she is a voter from Akiachak who showed up on a newspaper clip. I'm a bit of research nerd when it comes to writing. Thanks!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Mary- thank you for all the exclamations. They are music to my heart. I have to thank Sir Bill and TT for setting the scene. I'm glad you enjoyed the twists in this one!

carol7777 profile image

carol7777 4 years ago from Arizona

Well I guess I needed some entertainment tonight and I got it for sure. Very clever and creative..What is next?

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Glad to entertain you Carol, I hope you had time to read the previous two chapters by Bill and Terrye. I wonder where this will go next too.

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

I love part three Docmo.. great job.. so funny.. I love how you left it hanging... who is the killer? lol

I love it



Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Thank you Deborah- I'm glad you liked the cliffhanger....

TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.!!!! Well done, Doc! The mystery lingers, now we're ALL sitting on the edge of our seats to find out about Bobbi Joe and Missy Sue. This is too much fun and way to weave in the local flavor into the story. :) Took me right back home. VUM x 2. :)

midget38 profile image

midget38 4 years ago from Singapore

Yes, authors of this trilogy the three of you have done an awesome job! Now PLEASE tell us what happens to Bobbi Joe and Missy Sue next! Docmo, a big thumbs up for Part 3.

Fennelseed profile image

Fennelseed 4 years ago from Australia

Excellent and intriguing segment to this exciting series, Docmo your illustrations, maps and translations give an air of reality to this off beat and hilarious story. Chef She-of-little-brain seems to be wiser than her name suggests and now with the arrival of Ramuk, the plot thickens!!

This series is a real treat, thank you Bill, TT and Docmo, looking forward to part 4!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

TT - you and Bill gave a wonderful present that is hard to improve upon. I always love a bit of authenticity hence the obsessive research. Glad it paid off especially when I realise Bill has actually BEEN there and your own stint in Alaska. I can't wait either ... Thank you'

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Michelle- thank you . It was fun writing this and it's equally fun when others read it and enjoy the twists. I can't wait to see where this'll go next....

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Annie- thank you so much for your appreciation. I like to get some local colour in and bring a bit of authenticity. I'm glad the plot is thickening nicely like a Musk Ox stew.

Jools99 profile image

Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

Mohan, loved it! Beautifully paced and I was on the edge of my seat right up to the end. Loved the inclusion of the local dialect, gave the tale added authenticity but I am hoping the Chef's touch of Missy Sue's wart has a positive effect and it drops off or shrivels up. I am now looking forward to Bill's next instalment. Great chapter!

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

Salmon and Garfunkel...nice one!! I don't know how you keep up between Pig Sty, Doc-Mo and this story but kudos to you for having one heck of a wild imagination!:)

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iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

Salmon and! Love your humor and references to som great songs that tie your characters together! Great third chapter!

Redberry Sky profile image

Redberry Sky 4 years ago

I'm loving this story more and more, it's intriguing, funny and strangely endearing. Voted up muchly, and I can't wait to read the next instalment :)

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Oh Doc, this gets a 5-STARS on the scale of "you ain't right"...!

Why prithee, can I not get the song "Muskrat Love" OTTER my head?

You, sir, are corny... and I so love that in a man!

Voted UP & FAB! I can hardly wait to see what you come up with next!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Julie- thank you- yeah I wonder what the significance of the wart -touching is going to be! Lets see what Sir Bill is gonna do.

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Sunshine - My brain has many peculiar rooms. Wonder which one this popped out of. thankfully i'll keep some rooms locked. Thank you my dear.

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Audra- I'm proud of Salmon and Garfunkel. Glad you enjoyed it!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Redberry- I know you were waiting for this installment - added pressure to get this 'right' I'm glad you liked it. Thank you very much.

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Oh Maria, Maria. when you whisper' you ain't right' its honey to my ears, me dears. And when you say 'corny'... I love it when you slander me. "Muskrat Love" eh? got to hear that one. Thank you, oh gorgeous one.

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

OK, for the record, I never did qualuudes but I really used to love this song, Doc... and now you will not be able to get it outta your head either, oh gorgeous one! I have done this in Karoake by the by...

Hugs, Maria

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Love it! you are right- its now stuck in my head too.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Some awesome descriptions in here :) ~~~

".... razor poised in her hand with a half shaven leg looking like a freshly mowed lawn."

"Missy Sue smiled broadly and burped...." (Oh my soul!) And "....Her wart quivered with indignation." (Geeezzz, what a character!)

A+++ for creative subtitles: "Salmon and Garfunkel, Warts love got to do with it?, Hit me Baby one more crime." And also for interesting twist in the story line.

Bravo, Docmo!

Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and interesting. Keeps getting more and more mysterious. Well done. lol Love those characters and that was so clever Salmon and Garfunkel. lol

Suzie HQ profile image

Suzie HQ 4 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

And so the story takes more twists and turns, excellent part 3 Docmo! Loved it! Your descriptions of Missy Sue are hilarious! Such creativity, thought and research here, I applaud you! Love yu'pik language . . .who is Ramuk seeking . . . .the plot thickens! Can't wait for the next installment - billybuc, TT and Docmo mega stuff!

PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 4 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Docmo rules! Now off to read the other chapters in reverse order.

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Martie- you always say such nice things. And this time I'm pleased you like my descriptions... I'm especially thrilled about the subheadings. Glad you like them. Thank you, me dear!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Gypsy Rose - Thanks very much for your support. Really appreciate it.

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

SuzieHQ- I wanted to do justice to Sir Bill and TT's marvelous set-up and I ma pleased in some way I have contributed to this fun project. Equally pleased with all the positive feedback and appreciation. Thank you!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

PegCole - Thank you - I'm glad you are going to read the others as Bill and TT have done a fantastic job.

bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 4 years ago from Central Florida

I don't know how I missed this - I'd been waiting for it. Great job, Docmo, in acquainting us with the lingo of these twisted characters. Bill's got his work cut out for him in the next chapter, for sure!

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK Author

Thank you so much bravewarrior.. I do hope the story continues.. I love these characters too much!

raciniwa profile image

raciniwa 4 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

love the vocabulary, the food and good laugh i have today...great write...

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