So Much For Closure
I am angry. I am lost. I am confused. But most of all, I am done. I want to be furious, and I want to be scared. But life has torn away the paper molds I had made for myself. Life has shattered my glass imagery, my solidity. Life has ripped apart the fabric of my essence. For me,
I have nothing.
I have nothing but you. And you are not me. You are not me. You don't know how much I wish my tongue would not stumble..stumble upon the words I need you to hear. You don't realize, you don't get it. I want you to open your eyes. I want you to look at me, really look at me. Look at what I have become. Look at the silhouette that you have created. Born into a world with no direction, no sense of confidence in his step. He walks like you do, he talks like you do. And what have you done for him? What have you done for me?
I think we are done here.
At least for now. For now I will accept what is coming my way. Like a normal human would, like a man would. I will wait. I will let the storm pass over me, drowning my soul in its torrent of frigid raindrops, its whirlwind of ice, its ever-growing wonder.
Would you listen, just for a moment. I want you to stop living in the sphere you inhabit. I want you to step outside your door and look at the sky, the endless cascade of blue. And even if the clouds do come, I need you to see, I need you to know...know that I'm not okay. That somewhere, miles away I call your name. I call it with every fiber within me. I scream for you and pray for you and need you like I need air. And is that so bad? Is it so bad that I waste away in wait, is it so bad that my hope does swell, does encase me, whenever I think of your name?
No, no, no.
The thoughts rush in, my mind races. The room spins, I see their faces..their expressions, their anguish, their pain. I see the people I have hurt. I see the people I have left behind. Alone in the shadows of their darkest demons. I left them alone to be eaten alive.
I was their downfall. And it's all my fault.
Please, I'm begging you, don't go. Don't leave me alone. Don't do this to me. I promise I can change, I promise you, I swear this time I mean it. You will see, won't you? I can tell your thoughts are getting the better of you. You look at me with contemplative eyes. And that gleam, that unique sparkle that melts in your gaze. I feel it in my skin when you look my way. I can taste it in my mouth, on my tongue. I can hear the voices now and they come to tell me no. They come to tell me horrible things. I don't want them to take me, I don't want them to break me, please just help me. Help me anyway you can, as I spell it out for you on the frosted window of my prison. As I spell it out in the broken sand. As I scream it to a world that does not listen.
But we will get through, won't we? I trust you and I believe in you, even though my vision isn't so clear. I need a helping hand to grasp mine and lift me off the floor. I've spent enough time on this icy plain, I've spent so long in this torrid rain. I want to try. I want to be a better man. I want to look in the mirror and watch my reflection take shape. And I don't need words of comfort. I don't need your pity, your sympathy. I don't need that.
I just need you.
And you will help me blame myself no more. Because it's not my fault anymore. The blood on my arm, the regrets, they are...nothing. I need nothing more than a comforting smile, a reassuring horizon. That's all I needed. That's all I ever needed.
It looks like it's time. It's time for me to go. It's time for my footsteps to leave a trail behind you. I didn't want to go, I never wanted to leave. But farewells leave no lasting scars, only open wounds. And trust me,
I'll be back to soothe yours.
This I promise, this I swear. Cross my heart and hope to die. My dreams, my life,
I say goodbye.
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