The Beaver Valley Post Thanksgiving Edition 2011

The Great Liver and Onion Famine of 1911 swept through Beaver Valley and adjacent counties. The event went unnoticed until 1912 when a traveling salesman stopped at the O’Brien Inn and ordered a plate of liver and onions from room service. On realizing the impact of the famine the town threw a week-long celebration with dancing, drinking, fireworks and general extreme revelry.

Bridget Bardot blamed in death of pageant judge

Echo Falls, ND

Former film star and international sex-kitten, Bridget Bardot, has been blamed in the recent death of a pageant judge in Echo Falls.

A surviving panel of judges has told police the grim details surrounding the sudden death of William Anderson, a local gynecologist. As part of a panel in the Ugliest Turkey in North Dakota pageant Anderson had gathered with fellow judges to view preliminary entry photos of the contestants. According to the others Anderson had just opened an envelope containing what was supposed to be a photo of a local contestant. The witnesses concur that as Anderson looked at the photo he grabbed his chest, moaned and fell off his chair to the floor. Medics sere summoned, but Anderson died before they arrived. After Anderson was pronounced dead and driven away the other judges looked at the photo that prompted his heart attack and received an unexpected shock.

“It was a photo of Bridget Bardot,” Judge Holly Laughton told reporters. “And not an old photo from when she still looked human but a recent one. It was quite horrifying indeed.”

Investigators have determined the envelope containing the photograph was added as a prank with the envelopes from the owners of legitimate contestants. An arrest has not yet been made but the police are hoping to find the culprit before he or she can act again.

“There are certain weirdoes out there who might find this kind of prank funny,” Detective Steven Levonshire told media reporters. “But no one but nobody deserves to die in this sadistic manner!”

Fourth sperm bank vehicle disappears

The Littlehead Reproduction Services Company has reported the disappearance of a transport freezer vehicle, bringing the number of sperm bank vehicles that have mysteriously disappeared off the nation’s highways to four over the last two weeks.

A spokesman for the company says the transport truck had left the main facility in Knoxville, TN around 10PM Thursday night, headed to a new preservation center in Peoria, Illinois. When driver, Ed Morris, failed to appear by Sunday state troopers in both states were contacted. According to a preliminary report with TBI no one reported any accidents involving the vehicle and no witnesses have come forth with any information either about the vehicle. Illinois state troopers report no better luck, and further add that no one at any of the truck stops Morris regularly stops by in his travels had seen him or the vehicle. Morris’ family has subsequently filed a missing persons report, saying they have received no word from him since Friday afternoon.

The TBI says they are not ready to concede a connection between the missing Littlehead transport truck and the other three missing sperm vehicles.

“It is easy for most people to jump to conclusions,” a Bureau spokesperson told the press. “But hysterical assumptions only hinder investigations. At this time we are ruling out the logical and likely scenarios first.”

Investigators confirm that case investigators are presently looking at the disappearance of Morris and the vehicle as a possible runaway driver event, highway piracy, alien abduction or a kidnapping by lusty elves.

Local charity receives needed donation

The Beaver Valley Feed-the-Hungry House reports that the generous donation by an anonymous benefactor will ensure the annual Thanksgiving Meal program should proceed as hoped for.

Ronald Aberberry, head of the FTHH told reporters that economical hardships for city and county residents have severely cut into donations, thus creating a shortage of certain supplies. This was until an anonymous person came in Monday and contributed cases of frozen gravy, condensed milk and pie filling for the event.

Aberberry said, “He wouldn’t give us his name, but his donation will ensure a successful holiday celebration. For the needy who are without jobs or are meeting hardships their only Thanksgiving meal is often here. We are truly grateful and pray for many blessings on this wonderful man of god.”

Coach accused of molestation declared fugitive

Coach Frank Phume, head of the Beaver Valley High football dept. is now a fugitive from the law. Phume was last seen hours after posting bond on charges that stem from a recent allegation he molested a young member of his team.

Phume was charged last Wednesday with molesting the Nibblers’ eight-year old team mascot. The accusations came after unidentified sources informed police that they had witnessed the coach having sexual relations with the mascot crow on several occasions as well as former mascots in years past. The accusers supplied the D.A.’s office with numerous photographs of Phume engaging in what authorities say are “heinous crimes against birds”. On Thursday Phume appeared before Judge Mike Blankenship who released him on a ten dollar bond.

Subsequently, Phume’s wife called police Sunday evening, saying she hadn’t seen her husband since he left Thursday night, when he’d reportedly gone to join old friends at the Pigskin Bar & Grill. The District Attorney’s office has requested the police department to keep a surveillance on Aviary Street, where the Tuft ‘n Beak Bird Shop is located, a business Phume is said to frequent.

The charges against Phume are expected to be taken to a grand jury next month, slated in mid-December on Judge Blankenship’s calendar.

Mayor’s son elected president of local Union

In a landslide election, Zock Burns has won the office of President of the Beaver Valley Panhandlers Union. Burns, 21, is the son of Mayor Dick Burns and has been a semi-professional panhandler for almost two months. He is also a member of the Beaver Valley Young Democrats Association, member of the White Rappers Society, member of the Trailer Trash League and financial coordinator for the Beaver Valley Wandering Meth Users Guild.

Burns says he and his campaigners plan to celebrate the victory tonight at an associate's house if it is still standing and the police haven't barricaded the doors with tape.

DA officials call Judge’s impartiality into question

Some within the county’s District Attorney’s office have raised questions surrounding the impartiality of Judge Mike Blankenship’s involvement surrounding recent charges of suspected molestation brought against Coach Frank Phume. They are citing the fact that Blankenship was a member of the Nibbler’s basketball team in high school and has remained friends with Coach Phume since graduation.

“I’m not entirely comfortable with the notion of Judge Blankenship being unbiased in this matter,” George MacGregor of the D.A.’s office contends. “There is a consensus that he may not be totally fair, especially since he changed his entire schedule for next month just to sit in on the grand jury hearing. And so I, among others, have registered a request with the county commission to have Judge Blankenship removed from the proceedings.”

Blankenship’s clerk issued a statement from the judge that dismisses the concerns. “The insinuations are completely unfounded,” Blankenship's statement reads, “made by the kind of nerds and cry baby losers I used to beat up in gym class.”

Mayor throws support behind Occupy Beaver Valley movement

Mayor Burns says the Occupy Beaver Valley movement is a worthy protest and deserving of public support, including his own.

In a press conference Monday Burns said that the groups’ objectives are valid and their protests conductive to bringing about social justice.

“The public has seen far too much money wasted in bailing out big, heartless businesses,” Burns says. “These moral people only want to see such practices stopped. I give them my full support and hope they are successful in bringing about change.”

In a further move to show support Burns has lifted all ordinances at Jim Morrison Memorial Park for protestors who need a place to camp out, as well as the Panhandlers Union, which had been camping out on Burns’ lawn since last month.

Woman charged with threatening bank executive

Ethel Fitzsimmons has been arrested following a disturbance at the Gloombury Industrial Savings & Loan.

Fitzsimmons, 94 of Tate Drive, was apprehended after a witness told police she made a threatening gesture to a bank chairman who was passing through the parking lot on his way to lunch. The witness, teller Winter Fortney, said she had just declined cashing Fitzsimmons’ social security check and noticed that the woman hobbled out of the bank door when board chairman (and Mayor) Dick Burns ran by Fitzsimmons on his way to his limousine. According to Fortney Burns tripped over the disgruntled would-be customer’s walker. At this point, Fortney contends, Fitzsimmons made an obscene gesture and called Burns “a name”.

“It was scary,” Fortney says. “I thought she was going to smack Mr. Burns with her purse. So I called security and they came out and pepper-sprayed the old bat while I contacted the police.”

Fitzsimmons has been charged with disorderly conduct, creating a public nuisance, threatening the Mayor, public cursing and possessing an unregistered walker.

Man cited for contempt of city’s Anti-Redneck law

In the first major test of the city’s Anti-Redneck law passed in August, a local man was issued a citation after a couple reported seeing four trucks on his property.

Reverend Oman Davis was given the citation after neighbors reported seeing four large suspicious trucks parked behind some trees on his yard. Residential Management Dept. officials say they were contacted by Tammy and Jon Haverschnott, members of the Beautify Committee. The Haverschnott’s told officials that they were forced to make the complaint after Davis refused to come to the gates of his property and speak with them about why the vehicles were there. Officials subsequently had police accompany them to Davis’ residence, where they handed him the citation. Afterward the vehicles were confiscated and moved to the county dump, as required by the new law for such incidents.

One reporter who managed later to get onto Davis’ property by climbing his fence learned that Davis does not claim the vehicles.

“I was just holding them for friends,” Davis said, before convincing the reporter to leave by showing him a shotgun.

The Haverschnotts contend the last thing they want to do is feud with their neighbors.

“It’s just that these trucks are eyesores on the community,” Tammy Haverschnott says. “This is a nice town, not a redneck trailer park out in the county. If Reverend Davis wanted to help out his friends he should have rented space out in the county where the trashy folks live and away from our neighborhood.”

A spokesperson for the Residential Management Dept. says that if Davis fails to pay the fine and have the trucks relocated at his expense then the trucks will be compacted.

Dirk Harris, manager of the city dump admitted he feels it is a shame it came down to this.

“I hate to see a nice vehicle destroyed. And those trucks are in fine condition, all the more so with those fancy cryogenic cooling systems inside ‘em. Even the cabs and driver seats could be scrubbed of all that blood and they’d still bring in a pretty penny. But the law is the law, so if the Reverend doesn’t come up with the money by next Tuesday those vehicles are history.”

Body of unidentified man found in ditch

The body of a man has been recovered from a ditch near Daryl Hannah Road. Children found the body early this morning on their way to the bus stop.

Deputies on the scene report the body was of a middle-aged Caucasian male who was wearing jeans, plaid shirt, sneakers and a light tan jacket. The man has not yet been identified and the coroner’s office report identification may take a while as the man’s face was disfigured in an apparent assault.

“His face was destroyed beyond recognition,” junior forensics advisor Anna Firth stated. “But by the nature of the wounds we do know the assault probably came from a group of animals, most likely some kind of carrion birds.”

Occupy Beaver Valley protestors vow to avoid disrupting Thanksgiving Day parade

The Occupy Beaver Valley protestors have vowed they will not disrupt this year’s Thanksgiving Day parade. The news comes on the heels of the announcement that the Goth Freaks café has turned down an invitation by the business owners association to enter a float in the parade.

Cale Pampersson, appointed spokesperson for the Occupiers, say that while the group had originally planned a sit-down in the middle of Main Street before the parade can start those plans have changed He credits the decision of the Goth Freaks café for this decision.

“We’ll be protesting the café instead,” Pampersson explained. “Those people are the soul of corporate greed. Not only have they instituted a policy that discriminates against those who practice free speech, they also let customers smoke on the premises, thereby jeopardizing the environment and the air. These evil wretches are utterly bereft of conscience and should be held accountable more than anyone else in this entire world!”

When reached for a comment owner of Goth Freaks, Thad Black, replied that he wasn’t surprised by the reaction of the Occupiers.

“I give out food and drinks every day to orphans, widows, the out of work, the handicapped and so forth. No problem for me, I don’t expect to be wealthy, just make a small profit. But when these protestors started demanding hand-outs of pastries and coffee I had to put my foot down. They can go back to their universities or to Mom for food and coffee. I ain’t their babysitter and I don’t have to give them a damned thing.”

Group vows to occupy Occupy protest

A group of young residents of the Beaver Valley Orphanage have vowed to protect and defend the Goth Freaks café against any and all threats to the business and any employees and patrons.

Angela Ulrich, nine, says that she and her friends are angered to hear of a proposed protest of the Goth Freaks café by the Occupy Beaver Valley movement on Thanksgiving day. Vowing to protect the café's employees, patrons and owner the orphans say they will occupy the Occupiers at the first hint of trouble-making.

“They’ve made themselves nuisances enough already,” Ulrich explains. “They get in the way of us going to school and back. They've trashed the park and even used the wishing well at our playground for a toilet. Now they want to make problems for Mr. Black. But he’s been very kind to us, bringing food to the orphanage and giving us free meals whenever we stop by. His staff donated blood when our school bus crashed and every Christmas they bring us toys. If the Occupy people try anything at the Goth Freaks on Thanksgiving we’ll be there, and we won’t bother with dumb stuff like spilling garbage over their heads. There are over two hundred of us and we’ll pick up and carry each one of those big dummies off to Alice Cooper Bridge and throw them into the river. I’ve had to smell them in trying to get to school and know they could use the bath anyway. The poop heads!”

Native born author returns to Beaver Valley to serve as Grand Marshal

Bruce Haltmeyer may be one of the world’s most successful authors of Young Adult fiction but he has not forgotten his roots. Haltmeyer returned to Beaver Valley this week after being asked to serve as Grand Marshal in the annual Thanksgiving Day parade.

This week is the first time he has been in Beaver Valley since he left in 1993. Haltmeyer will be opening the holiday celebrations at 9AM Thursday morning and then lead the parade in an open car beside his wife and children.

Haltmeyer and his family are staying with relatives until after Thanksgiving. But fans have already thronged to the private residence. Haltmeyer, true to form, has been signing copies of his novels since he got here. Smiling, he told a reporter that he doesn’t mind and is still shocked but humbled to have such an enthusiastic fan base.

“Especially in my home town, it is a little overwhelming” Haltmeyer said.

Haltmeyer, 39, currently resides in Boston, MA with his wife and three children. But Haltmeyer spent his childhood in Beaver Valley, where he graduated from Beaver Valley High in 1990. Teachers remember him as a bookish, shy young man who was often picked on by bigger boys. His uncle, Paul Haltmeyer proudly recalls how Bruce’s athletic side came to light when he was selected to be wash boy for the football team. Over the years Haltmeyer’s storytelling talents have brought him financial success and fame as one of the world’s most cherished contemporary writers. In 2008 he won the Roanberry Award for Young Adult Literature, and in 2010 he was lauded with the prestigious Silver Palace Prize for Teen Fiction. Considered an unassuming man of extraordinary talent by peers, Haltmeyer is also a patron of many hospitals and children’s charities. His novel, Raven’s Revenge, is still a bestseller five years after its release. In the story a young boy reveals the tragic day he saw the high school football coach assaulting the team mascot. The boy grows up to become a sorcerer who directed a flock of birds to take revenge on the monstrous coach. Raven's Revenge is in its twentieth edition already and is presently under negotiation for film rights by a major movie studio.

Mind-boggling sales going on this holiday week at Food Czar!!!!

Material and content ©November 22, 2011 by Beth Perry