Are You a Compulsive Cheater?
How to Stop Your Inner Cheater
Everyone loves to cheat because it's the funnest activity outside of plagiarizing. Cheating gives you better grades, it makes people like you, and it can get you into Harvard.
But sometimes it becomes a problem and we get caught, so it's necessary to address our cheater within.
My inner cheater loves to copy other people's works and use it as my own. My inner cheater giggles with glee while I try to smack him out of my head.
Everyone has a cheater within and we must contain them otherwise they will destroy our lives.
Don't Be a Cheater
When your inner cheater wants you to glance at another student's paper then you have to slap yourself right then and there. Don't mind what your professor is thinking because what does she know.
She doesn't have a cheater's mentality because she has her master's and is a complete genius, right? Okay maybe she cheated her way into the school, but it wasn't her fault.
You have to learn to say no it's very important. When you want to cheat you must tell that person in your head to sit down and be quiet.
How dare they try to take over your mind and make you do something so fun yet foul. It's an absolute travesty they are making you perform the most heinous act in the history of history.
Instead of looking at another student's paper why don't you try writing your own or in the case of a test, study.
Studying is the key to success not plagiarizing, so you need to keep your head high and learn the tricks of the trade. If this doesn't make any sense yet then good it's not supposed to.
Cheaters (Almost) Never Win
If an athlete takes "herbal enhancements" does that mean they are cheating?
Those are herbal supplements, which came from the tears of mother nature herself. Why would you accuse someone of being a cheating athlete just because they drank some tea? It doesn't make any sense; they've worked hard for their millions.
So I hear someone tried to deflate the New England Patriots footballs? That is an absolute travesty; who in their right mind would have the audacity to deflate a bunch of footballs? This is not cheating, it's called having a lot of time on your hands.
If they did deflate them it's because management wanted their players to feel better about themselves that's all. Is caring about your team by deflating their footballs in order to produce a better grip and improve their chances of winning cheating? Eh sort of.
But that's okay because management and the coaching staff love their players, and it was all in their best interest I swear. Anyway it is true that cheaters never win (unless they don't get caught) because cheaters will almost always get caught.
That's right the evil cheating character in my conscience; you will be caught! He doesn't know it yet, but I called the good police in my conscience to stop him. If you're still lost then it's okay so am I.
If You Cheat, You'll Get Beat
Do you hear that you filthy cheaters!? If you cheat, you'll get beat. I don't mean physically, I mean the good forces will defeat you even though they have to cheat to do so.
Now I'm going to get down to business and tell you how to stop cheating. The first step is to not cheat. The second step is to stop cheating. The third stop is to pretend you listened to the first two steps and nod your head. Did you get all of that?
I always follow these steps because I consider myself to be an honest person who would never ever cheat. I believe in something called karma and integrity, and they are essential to combating the evils in our mind.
I hope everyone has some integrity otherwise it'll be impossible to follow my guidelines. In the next paragraph I will explain in further detail my steps to combat cheating.
How to Stop Cheating: Step 1
Here we go the first "real" step to stop cheating. Okay do you ever get the urge to look at a much more superior written source and maybe dabble in a little bit of copy and paste that you justify by calling it paraphrasing?
I'm sure we've all been guilty of that at least one time or another, but that's okay. Hopefully you're still with us rather than federal prison and if you are, then I'm sure you'll take this advice to heart.
Don't paraphrase someone's work! This is the real first step and it's something I'll live by forever and ever. If you want to borrow someone's material then please use citations.
I've been in school for nearly two decades now, and my professors have been hammering the words "sources" and "citations" until I literally couldn't take it anymore.
I still can't take it but now I understand where they were coming from. I wouldn't want another author to use my amazing and fantastically mediocre piece as one of their own now would I?
Exactly, so I beg of you all to hear me out and not copy and paste without citations and proper source formatting.
How to Stop Cheating: Step 2
The next real step is to admit that your work will never be as good as anybody else's.
Oh wait no that's not it because that wouldn't make sense. Why on Earth would you admit your material isn't good enough that's unheard of.
Your material is the best written or crafted piece in the entire universe and nobody in this world or interstellar space will be able to craft anything remotely similar to yours.
That post above was completely from the heart and totally non-sarcastic. Oh and if others call you pretentious because you think your content is the best ever then you can tell them that they will never be able to touch your magical talent.
They are just jealous, so what if their content has won a Pulitzer prize; that's okay. Hey in your eyes the content you've created has cured the world of cancer so take that Ernest Hemingway and your praiseworthy content.
I've completely lost the point I was trying to make, but I'll make one up anyway. So the real second step is to learn and study everything to make yourself better.
When you're knowledgeable and know more, then you'll create your own masterpiece and have everyone be envious of your talent.
You can laugh in people's faces for all those times they told you you'll never amount to anything. Look who's laughing now right even though you still haven't received any recognition.
Oh well at least in your mind your newly written piece has become a spectacle that will unite countries together.
The hyperbole can not be understated in the last paragraph, but you have to exaggerate everything you do otherwise people will say huh. Yea huh is right so far.
Final Step: The Cure to Cheating Is Believing
Go towards a mirror, look at it, and admire yourself. You are above the liars and cheaters of the world and even though people may not care at least you will.
The last step is reflection (get it, mirror; reflect Ha ha). If you haven't learned anything from this article yet, which you probably haven't, at least learn to reflect on yourself.
I don't mean literally, I mean metaphorically you must look into that mirror and say "I am great, I am the best, and I will never cheat again in my life!". When you say that the inner you will get the message and take a nap. Congratulations you've put yourself to sleep metaphorically.
In conclusion, I hope everyone understands that it's not okay to be unoriginal and that it's better to fail with integrity then win with immorality.
This is the message I really want to get across and don't worry one day you'll succeed and people will recognize the talent you have. Good luck everyone and take care!