15 Solid Reasons Why "I" Could Never be a Female Fashion Model

The devastatingly- lovely model, Brooklyn Decker
The devastatingly- lovely model, Brooklyn Decker

BE PREPARED TO BE SHOCKED

What I am sharing today would have gotten me tarred and feathered as early as 10 years ago, or maybe rode out of town on a rail. Back in 2004 our society was much-less understanding and intolerant of men who talked about things like I am going to do in this piece.

Aren’t you glad that our country has grown and progressed in understanding others who live by a different code than the accepted “normal” people? I am. Even now I am sitting here letting out a big sigh of relief for when this hub is published, I will not hear hard knocks on my door late at night from angry men wearing black three-piece suits, “spit-shined” black patent leather slippers and earphones, the ones that they use to communicate with each other. I almost forgot the most-important piece of their wardrobe: Aviator sunglasses. Why these guys would wear these sunglasses in the dead of night I will never understand.

Models work hard for a living
Models work hard for a living
Tyra Banks, super- model
Tyra Banks, super- model

WHAT A GREAT THING, FREEDOM OF SPEECH

Freedom of speech and thought is one, if not “the” greatest freedom we Americans have in 2014 and I pray that we will continue to enjoy these freedoms as long as free people can elect or not elect our nation’s leaders.

Now to get on with my sensitive text. Men, let me ask you two questions. One, do you know Brooklyn Decker? Two, are you in the habit of receiving the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? Don’t panic. If you answered “yes,” to my second question, then you are “off the hook.” Brooklyn Decker has graced the cover of this male-based magazine many times to the delight of male sports fans.

Brooklyn Decker on Red Carpet
Brooklyn Decker on Red Carpet

DAN PATRICK, NAME-DROPPER

And former ESPN commentator, Dan Patrick, who has his own show bearing his name, claims that Decker is crazy about him. The reason? Patrick happens to be friends with actor, Adam Sandler, who cannot create a character, just film himself speaking lines written by his own writers and calling it a movie. Seemingly, Patrick sruck-up a conversation with Decker during the filming of “Just Go With It,” one of Sandler’s ad nauseum films and because Decker talked to Patrick, boom! She was instantly-smitten with him.

NOTE: Hey, Dan Patrick, if you disagree with my previous statements, you are welcome to write a rebuttal to me on this hub in the comment spaces below.

Enough about Dan Patrick, and enough about Brooklyn Decker. I do not really like them. In my opinion, Patrick is a pompas sportscaster who “thinks” the sports universe revolves around him and his mouth. Decker, I can tolerate due to her good looks, but not as a close friend for she is doing a job that “I” know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that “I” would not be given a second-look if I applied to be a fashion model like her.

Margaux Hemingway with Halston at a party at Bloomingdales
Margaux Hemingway with Halston at a party at Bloomingdales | Source

A Moment with Superstar Model, Brooklyn Decker

  • Brooklyn Danielle Decker (born April 12, 1987) is an American fashion model and actress best known for her appearances in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, including the cover of the 2010 issue. In addition to working for Victoria's Secret for the 2010 "Swim" collection, she has ventured into television with guest appearances on Chuck, Ugly Betty, The League, and Royal Pains. She made her feature film debut in Just Go with It, and later starred in Battleship and What to Expect When You're Expecting. Decker is married to tennis player Andy Roddick.
  • Early life
    Decker was born in Kettering, Ohio, the daughter of Tessa (née Moore), a nurse, and Stephen Decker, a pacemaker salesman. She has one brother, Jordan, who is three years younger. She and her family moved to Middletown, Ohio, then to Matthews, North Carolina, a suburb of Charlotte. She was discovered in a Charlotte shopping mall as a teenager. Decker began her modeling career as the face of Mauri Simone, a popular prom dress maker. She won the 2003 Model of the Year award at the Connections Model and Talent Convention. In a January 2011 interview with Self magazine, Decker stated that she suffered from an eating disorder and states, "My father did an intervention and got me to stop obsessing about everyone else and wrecking my body."

Source: Wikipedia

I'M THE "VICTIM" HERE

It’s out and out, unabated reverse discrimination against males who dream of walking the catwalk with the Decker’s and Banks’ of the fashion industry, but can only bed accepted into the “convenient” roles as male models who are seen in ads for underwear, cologne and khaki shorts worn by them and their upper-class friends.

I ask you liberal-minded men and women, “Why can’t we have male fashion models who can walk, giggle, and charm the heart of the rich and famous, just like the female models?” Huh? Answer me.

But let pretty miss Brooklyn Decker prance into any management office for famous male models and just flirt a bit, sit down and show some tanned leg and boom! She has become history’s first female-male model. Am I right? I think I have uncovered a massive conspiracy that has been going on right under our noses.

To make my case, I now give you, the liberal-minded readers of my hubs, my cherished-followers . . .

15 Solid Reasons Why “I” Could Never Be a Female Model

  1. I do not have “that” ultra-feminine walk that the majority of female models have while walking the catwalk.
  2. My lips are not pouty.
  3. You would say, “Ken, what a great Halloween mask,” if you saw my lips painted with lipstick.
  4. I am so flat-chested that I would be laughed at for wanting to model famous, name-brand bra’s.
  5. The hair on my legs is so tough, it would make a weed-eater to cut them.
  6. I do not have a flat stomach like Tyra Banks because I do eat real food when I am hungry. Not (a) bite of celery and a sip of water.
  7. I look like a raccoon on LSD if my eyes were to be painted with eyeliner and mascara for a big fashion show.
  8. I wear my head shaved like Jesse Ventura used to do, but no one loves a slick-headed female-male model, but let one of these gorgeous models shave their heads, and every man falls in love with them. Talk about double standards.
  9. I cannot speak French, Italian or Russian, so if by some miracle, I were to get a female modeling gig, I would embarrass myself if I had a “fashion shoot,” in any of these cities.
  10. Sometimes I am attacked by vertigo which makes me dizzy and that would make me tumble like a bale of hay from the catwalk while the jealous girl models laughed their butts off.
  11. Purging after I eat a plate or two of barbecue ribs and hotwings does not strike me as “worth” starvation, the price I would have to pay to model female fashions.
  12. I would have a no-win legal battle if I tried out for a television ad campaign for Sure-Free feminine napkins. (Can you see me running track and stopping to speak into the camera, “I am so glad that I chose Sure-Free today.”
  13. Even if I were to make it into the world of female fashion modeling, crowds (and hosts, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman) would laugh until they cried to see me appear in a nightgown on The Tonight Show or Late Night with David Letterman. And to think. We have been deceived into believing that reverse discrimination was dead and buried.
  14. The female fashion show promoters would rather die than to build me a separate dressing room as I wouldn’t be accepted in the female models’ dressing room. My presence in there would surely cause jealousy among my female coworkers.
  15. There is no possible way for me to retain Gloria Allred, powerful feminist attorney, to take my reverse discrimination case for I cannot afford her services.

Reckon she might take my case pro bono? Don’t laugh. “I” might be a huge boost for her law practice when we appear together on “60 Minutes,” and TMZ.

Gloria Allred, feminist attorney
Gloria Allred, feminist attorney

" A Very Sincere


Thank You for

Stopping by


to Visit with Me

for a while."


"I Appreciate YOU,

and


All of My


Cherished-Followers."


Kenneth

More by this Author


Comments 18 comments

grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 2 years ago from Philippines

You make the most interesting, over-the-top lists, ever:).


esmonaco profile image

esmonaco 2 years ago from Lakewood New York

Does this mean that we'll never see you on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue? Another great list. Thanks :)


BritFlorida profile image

BritFlorida 2 years ago from Fort Lauderdale

Fun!


Arachnea profile image

Arachnea 2 years ago from Texas USA

Kenneth, man o' man. At least I know the hub is not the fault of any lemonade I might have sent you. Fun read and actually it was hysterical.


Elsie Hagley profile image

Elsie Hagley 2 years ago from New Zealand

Enjoyed reading it. You made me smile and that's a healthy look to have everyday. Thanks.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Elsie,

Thank you so much for your sweet comment.

I am so glad that something I created, of course with My Maker's help, that made you happy.

Peace to you and yours.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Grand Old Lady (who is still NOT old)

Thanks very much. I do appreciate how you always cheer me up.

I am humbled by your comemnt and those of my Great Followers.

Have a Great weekend.

Your friend, KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, eric,

As a mantter of fact, no, my friend. I met last week with the SI lawyers and they offered me a great deal that allows me to do the Swimsuit Issue and other photo shoots.

Whew! What a hectic life I live.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Brit,

Thanks for the comment and it was fun to read your comment.

Glad you came by.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Arachnea,

Thank you for your delightful comment. And No, it was NOT from any of your lemonade, but that does give me an idea.

Why not ship some to me and let me chug it and see what type of hub I can do? Would you at least think about it?

And again, thank YOU and thanks to ALL of my Wonderfful Followers for reading and commenting.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

Don't say you couldn't be one of them. I'm not saying all female models fall into the same category, but if you take away the make-up, hair dye, implants, and reverse the other plastic surgeries a lot of them have had, you'd end up with some very ugly women. I believe most of what you see on the runway in regards to physical appearance is fake. So what does that mean for you? Get yourself a "sugar mommy" and have her pay for all of those alterations you'd need to make it to the big time.

Or better yet ... someone with some common sense needs to start having fashion models that look more like the common, everyday women who live in this world. Although I'd have to say that agency would go broke because there are too many shallow people in this world who want to see the faked perfection than the real normal.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 2 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Hi, Kenny! I'm writing from Las Vegas and I must say that you made me smile as usual. I hope to read more now that I'm on vacation. I wanted to let you know that I also have been hired as a non-certified nursing assistant so I will have more time in the day to write and read. Looking forward to more hubs from you!


CatherineGiordano profile image

CatherineGiordano 2 years ago from Orlando Florida

Perhaps you will never be a high fashion female model, but you have better things to do with your time. Like write these very amusing posts.


Shades-of-truth profile image

Shades-of-truth 2 years ago from USA

Thank God you don't want to be one! In the first place, your gender is wrong. In the second place, you'd look ridiculous in one of those slinky dresses. In the third place, there are better aspirations than being a female fashion model, and FINALLY - it is a dead end job. When your looks are gone, and your body gets the furniture disease - when your chest drops into your drawers, your career will be toast.

Better just be who you are - besides, none of us would recognize you, anyway!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Shades-of-truth,

How sweet of you to say this about me.

So I guess I will just live-out my life as what and who I am.

What a closing point--when (my) looks are gone, so is my job.

Okay. Thank you all for caring.

And the sweet words.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Catherine,

Thank you also for your truthful remarks that I take to heart.

I will not boast, but I am more at home doing this. Besides I do not know how to walk like those models do.

If I tried, I might break something.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Evening, shelilamyers,

You nailed it with your last pargraph. I am am advocate of everyday girls being models. I do believe that by using REAL women, their products would sell more and to a wider audience.

"Some," not all, of the highly-paid models you can just see the insincerity in their work.

MUFFY: be sure to head out to your local Jiffy Lube today and have the men there to change your oil. I am there all of the time because I love Jiffy Lube.

Something like this.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Dear writinglover,

It is so sweet to read your comments again. Thank you for your on-location comment. I love it.

Congrats on your nursing position. I pray the best for you.

And I lknow that as warm hearted as you are, you will also succeed at nursing as you have hub-writing.

God bless and keep in touch.

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