I Need Closure on These 12 Situations

and oh how simple it is. I love simple things. Don't you? I was looking back over some of my hubs of a few years ago and I found out something startling and oh so ignorant. I found out that, hopefully through innocence, the introductions to my hubs in most cases were longer than the hubs themselves. What an idiot I was then. I am not kidding.

Not today. And not with this piece. I think that my cherished followers will appreciate this gesture.

So let me ask you, "how many times in real life or on television have you heard, 'I just need some closure?'" I cannot count the times I have heard this one phrase. So now I will exorcise this "overkill demon" from my spirit by implementing it into my hub which I call:

12.) Why Didn't Porky Pig - - get help with his speech impediment during his long career in cartoons? I cannot understand why Warner Bros., the owner of the Porky Pig character, didn't evolve into being more Porky Pig friendly and hire a cartoon speech pathologist. Can you just hear Porky talking to Daffy Duck in the voice of Gregory Peck? Or what about Kirk Douglas?

11.) Why People - - on television westerns such as Wagon Train and Rawhide ever let it be known that they needed to use the rest room? Or the woods, bushes or behind the rocks? I do not believe that these people had kidneys of steel like Superman, whom I do understand never had to use the men's room except when he was keeping his secret identity of Clark Kent a secret.

10.) Why Do - - two girls always go to the ladies room together as a rule? Sure there are times that one woman will use the facilities alone, but I have witnessed this in person when eating out and two women sitting with their husbands or dates near my table would rise, wipe their mouths, and I did hear one of them say, "we are going to the ladies room. Please excuse us." Is there some dangerous secret that women are guarding in their rest rooms? I have thought that in times past that the C.I.A. checked out the ladies rooms as a prime location for spying on foreign people who were eating at (that) restaurant where the C.I.A. had planted a nanno camera and microphone to gather information to share with Homeland Security. Why are you laughing? With the C.I.A., anything is possible.

9.) Lucas McCain - - and his son, Mark, on The Rifleman never sold any cattle, firewood or anything that I ever saw on this show and I was a faithful viewer too. But where did they get the funds to buy monthly supplies like bacon, coffee, flour, and things? Lucas was never seen plowing fields on his homestead so there was no produce to sell. Oh, they had a few head of cattle, but we never saw them sold in "South Fork," the town on the show. Lucas did fill in for "Michah," the sheriff of "South Fork," when he had to be in another town to testify against a murderer, but Lucas never received monies for his time. Here is a controversial thought: Could be that "Lucas," was a gigolo and this is how he earned money for his and Mark's food and supplies. I mean, there were several pretty girls there in "South Fork," so the opportunity was present.

8.) The Directions - - on Black Cat firecrackers are very confusing. Read them sometime. When I was younger, I loved to shoot firecrackers. That was until I started trying to understand the directions on the back of Black Cat firecrackers. This is what the directions said: "Take firecracker, lay on ground, light fuse and run away." One problem leaps to mind. How can one lay on the ground, light the fuse and run away. For a guy of my size, it's a task to leap to my feet and run before the firecracker explodes.

7.) Local Police - - who are working a traffic accident most always frisk the victim(s) of the accident. Why? Is this one of the newest policies of the police departments? I mean, the poor victim(s) are suffering from an emotional, mental and physical trauma only to be humiliated even more by this "policy" from the Policeman's Handbook.

6.) In Those Old Television Westerns - - that we used to enjoy, did you ever see this happen: A drifter stops in a town to have a drink in the local saloon to "wet his whistle." Upon entering the saloon, the drifter walks to the bar, orders his choice of drinks and quitely sips his drink not hurting anyone. Then one of the local yokels says, "Stranger, you new in these parts?" Did scriptwriters write this question incorrectly on purpose? Let's take a look at the question. "Stranger," is established by the local yokel, so why the rest of the question, "you new in these parts?" Well, I say if the yokel knew that the drifter was a stranger then he must be new to these parts, so why ask? Do you see my frustration?

5.) Everytime You or I - - are patronizing a grocery store, or any store for that matter, it is an absolute rule of the universe I suppose that the customer in front of me is always the slowest and takes the most time to check out. Are these customers "planted" there by the Devil who loves to pester us? Someone tell me, please. To make this situation worse, the slow-acting customer even looks back at us and smiles one of those "I'm-Ahead-of-You" smiles that irritates you even more. There has to be some universal principle at work here.

4.) No Matter - - how much a gang of buddies drink (alcohol) at a party the night before, one of them is bound to say the next day, "Man, I was (gag, gulp) sick as a mule and my head (gag, gag) was spinning like a top and I just held onto the commode while I was on my knees and emptied myself, but man, what a Great Time we had!" So you enjoy self-chastisement? I could never figure this out.

3.) A Powerful, Empowered Woman - - who runs a powerful corporation in her position as C.E.O. She is respected for making tough decisions without a flinch and then upon arriving home, she shrieks with fear a one small mouse on her floor and she jumps on a chair to continue screaming for help.

2.) When Your Date - - a gorgeous girl who carries her pet Poodle with her, lets the dog kiss her on her lips, but when you, her human date, makes an innocent move to kiss her good night, she gets irritated and slaps your face.

I saved my most frutrating thing that I need closure on for last . . .

1.) In Any Football Game - - be it high school, college or professional, you watch this happen and if you are like me, you have to wonder. Let's say that a powerful Division I school like The Crimson Tide of The University of Alabama is playing a Division II institution like Western Indiana and frankly, the Tide has this game in hand at the end of the first half by a score of 60-0. The Tide opens the second half with three more TD's, and now the score is 81-0, Tide's favor--even with using their second and third string players. So the game drags on and The Tide just keeps the ball on the ground and actually tries to not score. When two minutes are left in the game, this always happens: Western Indiana or whatever team is being beaten, calls their last time out. Why? What in the realm of logic could they possibly do to win this game? Maybe if suddenly every member of The Tide is brought down by a Biblical plague, but still with only two minutes left to go, the Western Indiana team could not kick enough onside kicks and score enough points and no time outs left to win this game. Can you please give me some peace of mind? And to cement this thought, why does the NCAA not have a "Mercy Rule" that says when the first college football team reaches seven or more touchdowns while their opponent's score remains zero, the game, no matter what quarter or how much time is left in the game . . .mercifully ends. I think this would be fine and save a lot of inferior college teams a lot of injuries to say nothing about the humiliation.

Good night, Cicero, Illinois, and is anyone who lives in this fine American city able to give me the needed closure I desperately need on these items? I'll give you $5.00!