How Will the Human Race End? A Humorous Idea

Have You Ever Wondered About the End Times?

These days, there is a lot of talk and speculation about the so-called "end times" or "end of days" based on wild speculation on the ancient Mayan calendar. There is an entire segment of society that believes the end date on that calendar is an accurate predictor of the end of the world; after all, it's carved in stone--quite literally.

There are also afficionados of Nostradamus' cryptic writings, of which there have been countless interpretations and translations. His work is not carved in stone, however; it's written on paper, so I doubt it holds as much weight.

Even so, if you pull enough paper together, it does get very heavy, so i guess the way to make something believable is to print out umpty-'leven to the 100th power of copies to give it sufficient weight for people to believe what is printed thereon.

Government's Role

Have you ever had a look inside the library of Congress? The headquarters of the IRS? How about the EPA? The Office of the Surgeon General? State Government offices? All of the thousands of reams of paper that contain each and every one of our laws about anything and everything are stored in those places--and my list is incomplete.

That's right--they're stuffed to the ceiling with paper. Lots and lots of paper. I bet all that paper weighs at least as much as the Statue of Liberty or the ship Queen Mary. Maybe as much as both together. Maybe even more.

Lawyers

Yes, lawyers. The more complex a society becomes, the bigger the role of lawyers. Originally, they served simply as mediators between disputing parties; now, they are responsible in large part of the overdose of paperwork.

It's a game of "CYA." Every possible eventuality must be imagined and accounted for in advance, and addressed, lest some itsy-bitsy technicality let some miscreant off the hook. Most of the time, it backfires, and torches the innocent or the plaintiff.

Way back in days before my time, I've heard it said that deals were cemented and honored based on only a firm handshake and solid eye contact. Now, no one looks you in the eye--they can't--they're too busy bent over the table signing umpteen pieces of paper.

It is the legal profession in large measure responsible for this obscene paper chase at every level of government, taking sixteen paragraphs, forty sub-paragraphs and ninety-nine sections to say something that could have been stated in a single sentence.

Not only is it annoying, it is wasteful of time and resources. That legalistic language is so obtuse that of course, you need to hire a lawyer to interpret what was actually said. They call that job security, don't they?

The Medical Profession

Ah, yes. Our esteemed doctors and nurses. When was the last time you or someone you know had to be admitted to the hospital? Remember the forms to be filled out, sometimes in triplicate carbon copies; sometimes several different forms asking apparently the same questions?

Not only medical history on the patient, but also governmental (yes, them again) mandated "privacy act" notifications. You have to sign that you were advised, and are given a copy. No, no one actually advised you--they just shoved the paper at you to sign.

Realtors

Have you ever bought a house? More than one house? I have. Three times. (Well, ok, once it was a condominium, but the principles and realities are the same.)

The first house I bought, with my ex-husband, was back in 1976. We had to sign about a dozen pieces of paper, and we were done. By the time he and I called it quits in 1997 and I bought myself the condo, I had to sign what amounted to an entire booklet of paperwork. Not only were there the sales papers, but also the condominium association paperwork.

By the time my current husband and I bought the house in which we now live, the paperwork had escalated to nearly an entire ream of legal-size papers, in fine print, double-sided. And that was a mere five years after the condo purchase. Oh, and by the way--when you sell a house, you sign all the same papers, so if you are buying one place after the sale of another, you get a double dose of this nonsense.

Most of this goes right back to the lawyers, as ever more petty complaints about assorted imagined slights or non-disclosures about the property have surfaced. Everyone must be "protected," yet in the end, no one truly is.

Corporations and Computers

Yes, big business is involved, as well in this conspiracy. Yep--there's something here for the conspiracy enthusiasts!

For a time, I worked at a major bakery in their accounts payable department. Every week a report was distributed to all the branches outlining sales figures, supply flow, and so forth. Back in the days before computers, such reports would be hand-done by each individual outlet.

Then computers came along and centralized all of it, and massive reports with more information were being pumped out. Reports busy managers did not have time to read. I was witness to more than one office where the reports were simply tossed in a corner to be filed, and were never read. We're not talking about a couple of pages of descriptions and accompanying statistics--we're talking about those massive computer printouts--you know, those green-and-white-and fan-folded globs of paper at least an inch thick and at least 18 inches wide; all of it just columns of numbers.

Very few of these ever got read or gone through in the kind of detail presented. Computers are very good at sorting, comparing, storing and retrieving data. Unfortunately, not all of that data is useful or needed that often. So why did they print out these tons of paper reports? Just because they could.

Hasn't the novelty of "what computers can do" worn off yet? Why print out useless information "just because you can?"

A Cruel Hoax

All of this paper follows on the heels of a government (naturally!) edict demanding a reduction in the amount of paperwork. How can I tell? One of the papers we had to sign in the purchase of the house was acknowledgment of "compliance with the paperwork reduction act."

You've got to be kidding me! Sign an additional paper to prove the use of less paper????!!! There was far more paper used than I had ever seen before in a single transaction!

(In retrospect, I should have refused to sign!)

What has become of the "paperless office" we were promised when computers arrived on the scene? It was a lie. Instead, the opposite has happened. Computers have not only not reduced the paper load, they have increased it exponentially.

It's Quite Simple, Really

I have independently figured out the way the world, or society, will end. It truly is quite simple, and despicably fitting.

Due to the "helpful" influences of all the assorted characters listed in the previous sections, it becomes obvious that society as we know it, and the extinction of the human race will happen in one great avalanche of paper stacks. We will all suffocate and be crushed under the weight of the accumulated paperwork.

It is as certain and guaranteed as the works of Nostradamus, and the weight of the Mayan calendar stone.

Artwork Credits

All of the artwork used in this article is from "Art Explosion" software by Nova Development, and is public domain clip art licensed for use in works, including web pages and other internet applications.

Solutions for Excess Paper

© 2011 DzyMsLizzy

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Comments 12 comments

homesteadpatch profile image

homesteadpatch 4 years ago from Michigan

In the purchasing office I worked in for years we had daily reports that corporate would print out for us. They appeared on the printer every morning, and totaled over 300 pages... each day... even weekends. When I first started one of my jobs was to sort and file this mess every morning. More than half of the printed pages went directly into the recycle bin. What a waste.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hi there, homesteadpatch--

Wow!! 300 pages per day! What an awful waste, indeed! Even if they went into the recycle bin, that's still a lot of unnecessarily dead trees to start with ... not to mention the ink, time, and electricity usage.

Thank you very much for adding another concrete example of this travesty.


Hillbilly Zen profile image

Hillbilly Zen 4 years ago from Kentucky

Well said, Ms. Lizzy! The part about signing the paperwork reduction paper made me laugh and roll my eyes. Our society really has become a caricature of itself.

Voted up, useful, funny and interesting.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hi, Hillbilly Zen--

"...a caricature of itself." Well put! Thanks very much for your compliment and all the votes!


geordmc 4 years ago from Beliot, Wisconsin

This Hub NEEDS to be put before any and all lawyers and told to start eating their words. Literally!! Want fries with that?


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hello, geordmc--

Hahahaha! Yes, indeed! I couldn't agree more. They'll probably need a steak knife as well to cut through the volume...fries and catsup, indeed! Thanks much for your comment..much appreciated.


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 4 years ago from Texas

You are right. It could happen that way as well as any other way that has been put forth. LOL.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hello, there, homesteadbound..Thanks so much for your input! Much appreciated.


Cyndi10 profile image

Cyndi10 4 years ago from Georgia

This was funny. I think you're onto something. Strange how computers seemed to have actually increased the amount of paper we use. Well done!


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hi there, Cyndi10,

Thanks--I'm glad you got to start your day with a chuckle. It is indeed a deep mystery. Thanks very much for stopping by and commenting.


LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 3 years ago from Australia

A lot of bricks and mortar have been used to house stored paper. I can't imagine future archeologists getting too excited about another paper discovery. :)


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 3 years ago from Oakley, CA Author

Hello, LongTimeMother,

You make an excellent point! Indeed, brick and mortar to store paper. What a strange twist. Any you're right--I can't imagine future archaeologists getting too excited about that!

Thanks very much for sharing your perspective--most interesting!

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