Be a Real Jerk in These 12 Easy Steps

Read some rather disturbing news last evening. Seems that, according to a major newspaper, there is a severe-shortage of "jerks," on the national level. Maybe even be on the international level, but I am only concerned with the "jerk" shortage as it affects us in the United States.

It's a shameful time, friends. Living in our so-called progressive time of life with so many advancements in the technical, industrial and medical fields, and still, even with all of our success rates and profit projects, we still come up short with a good supply of "jerks."

I am sorry. I cannot help you out, Uncle Sam. I mean, I love you and all, but I do not know how to fill the gap and fill our quota of "jerks," so our country will be back to normal. I am just a common man. You might seek the help of my buddy, Barack Obama, he might lend you some advice. But do not waste time on our Congress, they are too busy quibbling and bickering about who's more powerful, the Senate, Congress or President Obama.

Sadly, Uncle Sam, I am old enough to remember that in every city of our illustrious country, we had a "jerk" on every street corner. Sometimes on a lucky day when the planets were aligned, a gang of "jerks," just doing "jerk" things like yelling obscenities to women, threatening peaceful men, picking on innocent stray dogs, and stealing what apples they wanted from the nearby market. And laughed while they committed the crimes in broad open daylight. Ahhh, yes. Those were the days.

I can see them now. Dressed in shabby, rebellious clothes. Caps on sideways, pants on backwards and toothpicks in their gapped-teeth with surly, daring looks on their faces daring average citizens to "do something about" them and their vulgar displays of disrespect in public.

Even songs were written about these "pioneer jerks," that paved the way for today's gangs who are more violent than their early "jerk" ancestors. Songs such as: "My Boyfriend's Back," "Leader of The Pack," "He's a Rebel," and "(I Wanna be) Bobby's Girl," were all written about lawless rule breakers and "jerks" who hated society and authority. Actually, the only "violent things" the early "jerks" did was pick a fist-fight in a nearby dark alley with a well-dressed man who didn't want any trouble, beat him to the ground then ran away with his wallet.

And who can forget the legend himself, Marlon Brando, in the first-ever film "The Wild Ones," solely-dedicated to the new birthing motorcycle gangs of America. Outlaw bikers, hoodlums they were called. But we all knew them for whom they really were, "jerks." TRIVIA: Did you also know that in this movie, "Wild Ones," a young Alvy Moore was cast as one of the bikers? Moore was better-known for his role as "Hank Kimball," on Green Acres.

I miss having these "early jerks," around. The smell of their imitation leather coats with 54 zippers. The nauseating smell of nicotine and beer on their breath. Their loud, vulgar style of laughing. And even some nice girls of their era actually were "turned on" by these hooligans. Hooligans. Whoever thought that we'd use that word again?

Remember the movie with Glenn Ford, "Asphalt Jungle," that co-starred Vic Morrow as a gang leader who loved causing trouble in and out of school? What a flick. And later, this same Morrow went on to star as "Sergeant Saunders," in ABC's "Combat." What a versatile actor. From high school "jerk" to a "jerk" commanding soldiers in the U.S. Army. As once-popular singer, John Mellencamp said, "ain't that America"?

Before I get to the "meat" of this hub, I want one moment to explain the difference in a "jerk," and a modern-day "gang" member.

Not all "jerks," are bad-spirited. "Some" have a little respect for themselves and others, whereas a bona fide, "gang" member in 2012, has no respect for anyone but his "brother" gang members.

You can contend with "some" "jerks," and live, but do not attempt to ever try and "stare down" a "gang" member. Need I explain why?

So listen-up, free-hearted, open-minded men and women of all ages, sizes, colors and ethic origin. Time for you to step-up to the plate and do what's right. Help our country get back on-track with trying-out to be America's next crop of true, blue "jerks," so we can hold our heads up again with pride and be highly-respected abroad for having "the best," "jerks," on the planet.

If you love America, Lady Liberty and Mickey Mouse, you will learn how "You Can be a Real Jerk with These 12 Easy Steps"

1. Never see the good in anyone. Point-out, behind their back, of course, the flaws they have. Make light of them to others. And "act" like you are their friend to their face
2. Complain, complain, complain about every little thing that you don't like about your wife, kids, job and country. This will enable you to "stand out" from the crowd of good-hearted people who are thankful for their jobs and families. Not you. Only a "jerk" would keep the "negative fires," burning.
3. Sabotage your coworker's big project (in secret, you know) because you are so jealous of his success, your new office nickname is, "Gary Green Jeans."
4. Speak ill of your manager to the office staff, even your human resources manager, for deep-down inside, "you" want his job. You can do this by "planting" suspicion in your human resources manager by looking concerned and softly saying, "uhhh, wouldn't be a bad idea for you to keep an eye on "Tom," my boss, and for our company's sake, of course. Word is that he is, uhhh, hard for me to say this, "hitting the bottle," again, but please keep this in confidence.
5. Invite your brother-in-law, "Robert," over one Saturday afternoon to enjoy some college football, then leave without telling him you are going somewhere. Boy what a red face he will have when he shows up at your place to find your house vacant.
6. When you are in your favorite bar, talk ugly about American military forces keeping the peace in Afghanistan. "If it were up to me, I would have never sent our boys over there to begin with," and that's why you are stuck in a dead-end job and becoming a poisonous "jerk" everyday.
7. Never encourage your kids when they are facing a challenge in school. "Awww, if you fail, you fail. I don't care," is the perfect way to raise "future jerks," to follow in your blurry footsteps.
8. Drink too much beer at the football game and when your yelling gets to be a nuisance for those sitting near you, get in their face and dare them to have you removed.
9. When dining with friends, make a hard-working waitress, a divorcee, mother of two, keep taking your plate back because "you" want to look "big" to your friends.
10. Degrade anyone, man or woman, who is weaker, less intelligent and not as popular as you "think" you are just to make yourself look like a real man to your date. Oh, yeah. You are going to be a good "jerk" any day now.
11. Yell-out vulgar words and jokes inside a walk-in theater audience. Tell what the actors will do next because this makes the fifth time you have seen this movie, but didn't tell your date because "you" needed to appear intelligent.
12. Start arguments at your wife or girlfriend's house when having Sunday dinner with them. "Awww, that church stuff is all too stuffy for this guy. I do what "I" want and that's that," will go over good. Just like a real "jerk" would say in the house of family who never misses church for they do their best to live right. Hey, you best enjoy that chicken casserole because this "is" your last time, ever, to be a guest in this house. And to make your score card perfect, when your girlfriend sees you to the door, that object in your hand is the engagement ring you gave her two weeks ago. Wow, you destroyed what little respect she and her family had for you to begin with.

Think you can handle this, people?

I wish you all the luck in the world for "I" have tried and tried to accomplish being a real "jerk" with these steps and I have to sadly confess . . .

"I" have failed.