Be a Real Jerk in These 12 Easy Steps

This is a "jerk" just waiting to

cut in front of you in traffic without any warning.
cut in front of you in traffic without any warning.

"Jerks" in daily life

Sadly, "jerks" can appear as elderly guys whose only goal in life is to murmur and complain.
Sadly, "jerks" can appear as elderly guys whose only goal in life is to murmur and complain.
"I know that I am a good looking guy," says this arrogant "jerk."
"I know that I am a good looking guy," says this arrogant "jerk."
Why can you never tell a "jerk" with a camera that you do not want your photo snapped?
Why can you never tell a "jerk" with a camera that you do not want your photo snapped?
Always say ugly things to people who cannot defend themselves.
Always say ugly things to people who cannot defend themselves.
"I would talk to you, but I am important," says this upper-crust "jerk."
"I would talk to you, but I am important," says this upper-crust "jerk."
"See how manly I am," says this "jerk" in a cowboy hat.
"See how manly I am," says this "jerk" in a cowboy hat.
Usually, when there are three to a group, that  "one" troublemaker is a "jerk."
Usually, when there are three to a group, that "one" troublemaker is a "jerk."
Some "jerks" are just itching to start a fist fight to show how weak YOU are.
Some "jerks" are just itching to start a fist fight to show how weak YOU are.
Notice the "rabbit ears," behind the old man in this American classic painting, American Gothic.
Notice the "rabbit ears," behind the old man in this American classic painting, American Gothic.

Read some rather disturbing news last evening. Seems that, according to a major newspaper, there is a severe-shortage of "jerks," on the national level. Maybe even be on the international level, but I am only concerned with the "jerk" shortage as it affects us in the United States.

It's a shameful time, friends. Living in our so-called progressive time of life with so many advancements in the technical, industrial and medical fields, and still, even with all of our success rates and profit projects, we still come up short with a good supply of "jerks."

I am sorry. I cannot help you out, Uncle Sam. I mean, I love you and all, but I do not know how to fill the gap and fill our quota of "jerks," so our country will be back to normal. I am just a common man. You might seek the help of my buddy, Barack Obama, he might lend you some advice. But do not waste time on our Congress, they are too busy quibbling and bickering about who's more powerful, the Senate, Congress or President Obama.

Sadly, Uncle Sam, I am old enough to remember that in every city of our illustrious country, we had a "jerk" on every street corner. Sometimes on a lucky day when the planets were aligned, a gang of "jerks," just doing "jerk" things like yelling obscenities to women, threatening peaceful men, picking on innocent stray dogs, and stealing what apples they wanted from the nearby market. And laughed while they committed the crimes in broad open daylight. Ahhh, yes. Those were the days.

I can see them now. Dressed in shabby, rebellious clothes. Caps on sideways, pants on backwards and toothpicks in their gapped-teeth with surly, daring looks on their faces daring average citizens to "do something about" them and their vulgar displays of disrespect in public.

Even songs were written about these "pioneer jerks," that paved the way for today's gangs who are more violent than their early "jerk" ancestors. Songs such as: "My Boyfriend's Back," "Leader of The Pack," "He's a Rebel," and "(I Wanna be) Bobby's Girl," were all written about lawless rule breakers and "jerks" who hated society and authority. Actually, the only "violent things" the early "jerks" did was pick a fist-fight in a nearby dark alley with a well-dressed man who didn't want any trouble, beat him to the ground then ran away with his wallet.

And who can forget the legend himself, Marlon Brando, in the first-ever film "The Wild Ones," solely-dedicated to the new birthing motorcycle gangs of America. Outlaw bikers, hoodlums they were called. But we all knew them for whom they really were, "jerks." TRIVIA: Did you also know that in this movie, "Wild Ones," a young Alvy Moore was cast as one of the bikers? Moore was better-known for his role as "Hank Kimball," on Green Acres.

I miss having these "early jerks," around. The smell of their imitation leather coats with 54 zippers. The nauseating smell of nicotine and beer on their breath. Their loud, vulgar style of laughing. And even some nice girls of their era actually were "turned on" by these hooligans. Hooligans. Whoever thought that we'd use that word again?

Remember the movie with Glenn Ford, "Asphalt Jungle," that co-starred Vic Morrow as a gang leader who loved causing trouble in and out of school? What a flick. And later, this same Morrow went on to star as "Sergeant Saunders," in ABC's "Combat." What a versatile actor. From high school "jerk" to a "jerk" commanding soldiers in the U.S. Army. As once-popular singer, John Mellencamp said, "ain't that America"?

Before I get to the "meat" of this hub, I want one moment to explain the difference in a "jerk," and a modern-day "gang" member.

Not all "jerks," are bad-spirited. "Some" have a little respect for themselves and others, whereas a bona fide, "gang" member in 2012, has no respect for anyone but his "brother" gang members.

You can contend with "some" "jerks," and live, but do not attempt to ever try and "stare down" a "gang" member. Need I explain why?

So listen-up, free-hearted, open-minded men and women of all ages, sizes, colors and ethic origin. Time for you to step-up to the plate and do what's right. Help our country get back on-track with trying-out to be America's next crop of true, blue "jerks," so we can hold our heads up again with pride and be highly-respected abroad for having "the best," "jerks," on the planet.

If you love America, Lady Liberty and Mickey Mouse, you will learn how "You Can be a Real Jerk with These 12 Easy Steps"

  1. Never see the good in anyone. Point-out, behind their back, of course, the flaws they have. Make light of them to others. And "act" like you are their friend to their face
  2. Complain, complain, complain about every little thing that you don't like about your wife, kids, job and country. This will enable you to "stand out" from the crowd of good-hearted people who are thankful for their jobs and families. Not you. Only a "jerk" would keep the "negative fires," burning.
  3. Sabotage your coworker's big project (in secret, you know) because you are so jealous of his success, your new office nickname is, "Gary Green Jeans."
  4. Speak ill of your manager to the office staff, even your human resources manager, for deep-down inside, "you" want his job. You can do this by "planting" suspicion in your human resources manager by looking concerned and softly saying, "uhhh, wouldn't be a bad idea for you to keep an eye on "Tom," my boss, and for our company's sake, of course. Word is that he is, uhhh, hard for me to say this, "hitting the bottle," again, but please keep this in confidence.
  5. Invite your brother-in-law, "Robert," over one Saturday afternoon to enjoy some college football, then leave without telling him you are going somewhere. Boy what a red face he will have when he shows up at your place to find your house vacant.
  6. When you are in your favorite bar, talk ugly about American military forces keeping the peace in Afghanistan. "If it were up to me, I would have never sent our boys over there to begin with," and that's why you are stuck in a dead-end job and becoming a poisonous "jerk" everyday.
  7. Never encourage your kids when they are facing a challenge in school. "Awww, if you fail, you fail. I don't care," is the perfect way to raise "future jerks," to follow in your blurry footsteps.
  8. Drink too much beer at the football game and when your yelling gets to be a nuisance for those sitting near you, get in their face and dare them to have you removed.
  9. When dining with friends, make a hard-working waitress, a divorcee, mother of two, keep taking your plate back because "you" want to look "big" to your friends.
  10. Degrade anyone, man or woman, who is weaker, less intelligent and not as popular as you "think" you are just to make yourself look like a real man to your date. Oh, yeah. You are going to be a good "jerk" any day now.
  11. Yell-out vulgar words and jokes inside a walk-in theater audience. Tell what the actors will do next because this makes the fifth time you have seen this movie, but didn't tell your date because "you" needed to appear intelligent.
  12. Start arguments at your wife or girlfriend's house when having Sunday dinner with them. "Awww, that church stuff is all too stuffy for this guy. I do what "I" want and that's that," will go over good. Just like a real "jerk" would say in the house of family who never misses church for they do their best to live right. Hey, you best enjoy that chicken casserole because this "is" your last time, ever, to be a guest in this house. And to make your score card perfect, when your girlfriend sees you to the door, that object in your hand is the engagement ring you gave her two weeks ago. Wow, you destroyed what little respect she and her family had for you to begin with.

Think you can handle this, people?

I wish you all the luck in the world for "I" have tried and tried to accomplish being a real "jerk" with these steps and I have to sadly confess . . .

"I" have failed.




This girl may be pretty

but she is spreading lies about you and your girlfriend. Even pretty girls can be "jerks."
but she is spreading lies about you and your girlfriend. Even pretty girls can be "jerks."

More by this Author


Comments 25 comments

Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

Great points driven home by humor! LOVE IT!


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

Well I must say you did a great job of assisting those who need help in the jerk category!!

Vote up and funny!!


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

This hub is awesome! I really enjoyed it. There are many people out there both men and women who are too full of themselves. The best way to deal with these people is to avoid them at all costs, but what if you work with them? Then, just try to be as professional as you can and don't be too friendly. Oh did I mention, many pretty women have issues too. thanks for sharing.


Chris Hugh 4 years ago

Interesting, but I don't see a shortage of jerks. Perhaps that is because I am lucky enough to work at a law firm. Notice I said "at" not "for." I'm a temp attorney. Perhaps this all explains why I tend to view jerks as a rich and vast natural resource.

I wrote a Hub on how to sound like a pompous ass. Maybe I should fulminate my experience on the subject of being a jerk as well. I'd like to do my part and support your efforts.


Sheepsquatch profile image

Sheepsquatch 4 years ago from Springfield, MO

I just want to see a comment from someone pictured above. Did they know what their pictures were being used for.


Chris Hugh 4 years ago

This Hub inspired me to write my own treatise on the subject. Just check my profile if you'd like to read it. And if the author would like to use my profile picture on his rogue's gallery of jerks, I would be most honored. Perhaps the caption could read "This woman is a lawyer. Enough said."


DAWNEMARS profile image

DAWNEMARS 4 years ago from The Edge of a Forest in Europe

For my sins Kenneth I have to confess that I meet these people online when I am very unlucky. They are the clients you cannot please. Utterly unreasonable and more than slightly unhinged. Then, after all the trials and tribulations, they leave you a bad review just for the hell of it! I think that I will take great inspiration from this hub. Why name names right? Impossible to please a jerk! They had better prepare for war I say. Voted up and funny


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Funny Kenneth! Unfortunately, I could send you a whole bus load of jerks and, even more unfortunately, some of them are my "former" friends!


rahul0324 profile image

rahul0324 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

As I keep telling you... You Sir! are a keen observer of human behavior and nature. It is evident in the humor ehich is terrific...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Angela, thank you for your warm comment. I need to write, or someone needs to write, maybe one of you, a hub about a "Jerk Dining With A Jerk Friend," what do jerks talk about to other jerks? Do jerks compete with each other to see whom is the biggest jerk? Hey, Chris, do you want this idea??? FREE! Thanks to you, Angela, for making my northwest Alabama day a bit brighter--overcast and raining today.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, picklesandrufus,

thanks so much for your votes and words of encouragement. I needed them. And wish for you and yours, a "jerk-free" day of peace.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, lovedoctor,

you are 100% right. Avoid people who love themselves a bit too much. And I could give you a list of people like that who would make Jerry Seinfield look like a monk doing vows in Rome. Honest I could.

Thanks so much, lovedoctor, for your comments.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Chris . . .I read, with outbursts of unbridled, barbaric laughter, YOUR hub about jerks which was, according to the comment I left, A LOT BETTER than mine. Your have "that knack," not the band that had the hit, "My Sharona," but a talent for taking one idea and with your expansions, making it better. Uh, oh. A Beatle moment . . ."Heyyyy, Jude . . .don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better . . ."

Wow. Hate when that happens.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Sheepsquatch,

thank you for your remarks. I got these from public domain and even listed on the website, "jerks," believe it or not.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, DAWNE . ..thank you for your sweet remarks. I agree. You, I, or anyone, cannot please a jerk. They always find another area of knit-picking to go off on you about. Hate that.

Visit with me again!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy, :)

thank you for your always-nice comments. I have my own "bus load" of "ex" jerk friends whom Im trying to forget. But thank you though. Love this comment you left.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Rahul,

thank you kindly, my good friend, for your warm remarks. I appreciate YOU taking the time to read this hub and leave me this nice comment.

Hope your day is one of peace, happiness and laughter.

Kenneth


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

Another great hub my friend.

For me, those who degrade and judgeothers are at the top of the list on how to be a bully.

Voted up and away!

Take care :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Susan,

Thank YOU DEAR Friend for this comment. I agree with you. And I shall not associate with anyone who does this. But some day, Karma, our friend, will pay a visit to them and it wont be pretty.

Kenneth


frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 4 years ago from Central United States of America

Yay! I failed too. That last sentence made the best point...after all that realistic jerking around. Fun to read hub, thanks! Great farmers pix too...loved the fingers!


Daughter Of Maat profile image

Daughter Of Maat 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

lol great hub... I need to practice being a jerk, I'm just not that great at it... yet. :D

Voted up, awesome and shared.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, frogyfish,

Thats sad that WE failed a jerk test. Oh well, whomever said life was fair wasn't us. Oh the fingers on American Gothic, that was a funny touch. I wonder what this lady and man's name were? Why dont you investigate and write a hub on American Gothic exposed? Id read it in a heartbeat. Have yourself a great day, frogy, and thanks for the words!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Daughter,

oh, you failed the test also? Wow, now there are 3 nice, non-jerks in the world. Hey, let's put on a show to raise awareness that "WE" are nice to people and do not degrade them and such. I got some costumes in the attic. Frogyfish can sing! Yaay, the state of Non-Jerks is safe!!!

Kenneth


viveresperando profile image

viveresperando 3 years ago from A Place Where Nothing Is Real

giggles..


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, viveresperando,

What a lovely name! Thank you for the Giggles. I appreciate them. And listen. If you aren't a follower of mine, I Cordially Invite YOU to be a follower.

I would love it--to be able to write to you and visa versa to exchange hub ideas. I need all of the help I can get.

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