Dating Single Upper Class Women

I saw this little headline somewhere about the place and it tickled my fancy. The idea, that in this day and age, men (and presumably, some women,) are on the prowl for women of the right class is simply too delicious for words.

When one is so exacting in one's dating requirements, it is almost a certainty that one will be often disappointed. Women will appear to be upper class, but turn out to rather be middle-upper class, which isn't the same thing at all. Thus I have prepared this guide for discerning gentlemen and ladies who wish to only date in an upwardly mobile fashion.

How does one ascertain whether or not a woman is upper class? Well, one can look for signs of heraldry about her home or person.

• Does she wear a crest emblazoned on every item of her clothing? Is she occasionally seen sporting a bejeweled crown? These are both good indicators that the lady you are observing with an intent to date is indeed an upper class woman.
• Voice and accent are also good signs. A cultured voice is a sign of a cultured upbringing, though one never knows. Speech and drama teachers are everywhere these days and almost anyone can have elocution lessons in order to sound as if they were born with a silver cutlery set in their mouths.
• Inquire as to her ancestry. If she hasn't had at least one ancestor die in the tower of London, then I assure you that she is not worth your time.
• Try sneaking a vegetable under her bed. A princess is able to detect the presence of a pea under a hundred mattresses, or so we are told, but a lady of aristocratic blood may be slightly less sensitive. I recommend trying a small mandarin under a single mattress. If she is able to detect it, she may very well be an upper class lady. She may have some cause for concern as to why you are stuffing her bed with produce, but when you explain that you doubted her class and were forced to check it by means of a mandarin she will no doubt fall into your arms and demand that you marry her and accept a large dowry immediately.
• If she seems to come from a wealthy background, but you are not sure of her true class status, (she may have made all her money selling ring tones on the Internet,) inquire about inbreeding and mental illness. All truly upper class families sport inbred lines at some point in their pedigrees and at least one member of the family should have gone mad and been walled up alive. If they have not done so, then you are not dealing with an upper class lady, but rather a bourgeois example of new money.

Good luck, gold diggers and money grubbers alike!