How to piss me off

So you mean you really want to piss me off? Although I have seen you try so many times, I thought you just want to monkey about. I never knew you were this serious.

I have seen you try on so many occasions to get me enraged. You have tried by starting some terrible and slanderous rumors about me that was not true. You have even tried to recruit some of my friends and even some of my family members to help you on this just to put me in a bad light and make me mad in the process. Don’t think I am not aware of the fact that you went behind my back to do all this.

You see my dear friend, I can handle all that. I have been able to live above that level where anything you say about me starts to freak me out. I tell you, as long as those things you said or did are totally false, does not contribute anything towards my goal of becoming a better person, does not add any money to my bank account, does not benefit anybody, seriously speaking, it is no chip on my shoulder.

Trying to turn my family members against me was so laughable. Have you forgotten the saying that “blood is thicker than water”? Watching you try severally and fail all the time was so stimulating! Your ploys and gambits was so much fun to watch. You made me laugh so many times that I started to wonder if it wouldn’t be a very nice idea if you go into the business of comedy with your folly which came out as childish all the time. Thank you for the comic relief.

Had it been you did what you are doing now, you would have saved yourself a lot of trouble in the first place in going out of your way to piss me off. Well, I am glad you have finally realized your mistakes and you have finally come to me to ask me to tell you how you can piss me off. I promise I won’t waste your time. Listen to me, if you really want to piss me off, this is how you might do it.

Rigid minded

If you are rigid minded, you are not my friend. If you are always stuck with one type of belief or opinion and you are not willing to entertain other dimensions or possibilities, you will piss me off onetime! If you don’t want to entertain the possibilities that there are so many shades of grey in whatever you call the truth because in essence what we have is subjective truth, then I think I’ll better be on my way.

Your rigid mindedness makes it hard for us to have any meaningful conversation. It will prevent me from learning anything from you and likewise you from me.

It will only make us to argue back and forth and wearying me out in the process. You may like your stubbornness and your ‘know-it-all’ attitude because it makes you appear stronger but to me, you are just a blockhead.

Apparently, you haven’t heard that it is a wise man who knows that he does not know everything! Too bad – for you, of course!

Uptight and so serious

If you are always serious and always tense, you will always freak me out. I have tried to tell you so many times that I will enjoy it if you are able to be free with me. You don’t have to act in that condescending or self-righteous manner towards me because although I might not tell it to your face, the truth is that I don’t care what is going on with you.

If you think you are the best thing that ever happened to this world, well I don’t think so, go figure! Why can’t you just learn how to laugh at yourself and take a joke? Why can’t you just let yourself go for once? Why must all your discussion be centered on money, money this, money that, all the time?!

Why are you so conscious of yourself? You might be thinking that your serious face shows how ambitious and overconfident you are but to me, you are just so insecure. You might think all eyes are on you but think again, how many people are you even watching right now? If I must tell you the truth, people don’t care that much.

But since you are bent of pissing me off, I guess it would matter telling you all that although I will add that I wouldn't be exactly surprised if you rupture your arteries in the process.

Talking about yourself

Yes. You mean you haven’t noticed this already? Don’t tell me that you are not aware that your self-praising stories make me to feel sleepy in your presence?

Get me right. I am not saying that you shouldn't blow your own trumpet, at least, once in a while but that is the much I could take.

Because when all our discussion is based on what you did, how you did it, how no one else could have done it without you, how you are the best, how you will do more of suchlike, that is usually where and when the problem starts.

In one sentence: you bore me to death!

Why must everything be about you? To tell you the truth, I hate that Me-factor you are always displaying. You are great, I know but so am I and so are millions of people all over the planet. I know there is no one like you but are you also aware that there is no one like me and the rest of these other people all over the planet?

In the same vein, just because I said I don’t want you to be talking about you (or me) all the time, doesn't mean we should now launch into full time gossiping about others. I hate that too.

Please let us have a stimulating conversation. Let us talk about those things that really matter. Let us discuss why our educational system is failing us. Let us talk about why prices of food and fuel are skyrocketing and nothing seems to be done about it. Let’s talk about alternative free energy systems. Let us talk about our relationships and why the divorce rates are on the increase. Why don’t you want us to talk about our kids and the type of entertainment they are getting these days? Come; let us see if we can identify opportunities that will make us a lot of money. Let us discuss and share ideas because that’s what great minds do. Let us see if we can proffer solutions to some of these problems as a way of helping humanity.

I promise you, when the time comes, we will still talk about you!

Complaining

Must everything about what you say be about misery and tales of woes and how everybody out there is trying to cheat you, use you, shame you, destroy and even kill you?

Why are you always ready to condemn and criticize others? Why is it that no one seems to know how to do things right or do them better except you? Why is it that you are more of a fault finder?

Granted, there are people out there who want you out of the way directly or indirectly, but that does not mean that you will now use that same premises to generalize that there is nothing good about people or even this life.

Don’t you know that your complaints only show how helpless and confused you are? You are still complaining while some other person is seriously working towards finding the solutions and taking all the glory and fame and money in the process.

Complaints are good but you should also learn how to make the best use of it. Learn how to use your anger. When you are angry about something, don’t waste that angry force. Try to see if you can use that energy to do something creative. Many people have been able to use their anger to change their lives for the better.

But if you insist you just want to piss me off by complaining, you are welcome because I will also be listening in to what you are saying because I know there is every possibility that I am going to grab an opportunity which you have failed to identify and use.

Failure to return my property

I recall I have told you this before but due to some inexplicable reasons, you forgot to use it against me in your initial attempt to get me mad. I am so serious about this.

If you fail to return any of my property which I have lent to you for your usage or whatever, you will really piss me off. Why must you wait until I remind you that you are still with my stuff before you even start to make any effort to return them?

Don’t you know that I hate to remind you of your responsibilities because I already consider you a matured adult who does not feed through the anus? If I lend you some money, why on earth will you wait until I tell you I need it back before you start thinking of paying me back?

I know you are hoping I will forget it. Sorry, but I won’t! I know you don’t want me to be cross with you because you might have damaged my property beyond repair but those are not enough reasons why you should now start acting as if my property is nothing so special.

They are mine and I know why I cherish them so much. If I give you my property and you fail to return it, you will definitely piss me off but before you start glorifying in the idea that you now know how to make me angry, just so you know, I am that type of person who understands the full meaning of the saying that ‘once bitten, twice shy’.

Indecisiveness

Your indecisiveness is another good way through which you can easily piss me off. This is because I am always put off by people who don’t seem to have any idea what or why they are (not) doing what they are (not) doing.

Please make up your mind. And the faster, the better for me. Please don’t use that term like ‘more or less’ for me. Making decisions can be difficult but the greatest problems lie in avoiding making such decisions.

When you are able to make up your mind, you make it easier for us to cooperate and get things done. You save us from wasting all that time in beating about the bush.

Unless your ploy is to delay us and piss me off in the process, I think you are doing yourself more harm than good with your indecisiveness. You will become a master of procrastination. You will not be able to achieve any significant thing. You will always be flighty because you are always on the lookout for the exit or the easy way out.

People might also find it hard to trust you because they don’t exactly know where they stand with you. This might even sound as an advantage in certain situations but you know what they say about habits, huh…? Of course, old habits die hard!

So there you have it. I know you don’t expect me to give you a comprehensive list of all the things you can do to piss me off because I won’t. These ones I just gave you are to help you by stopping you from shooting in the dark.

In fact, there are some other major and minor things which you can still do to piss me off but I purposely left them out to avoid giving you the wrong ideas and at the same time prevent me from losing my head and lashing out at you and giving you a black eye in the process.

You see, amongst other things you can easily do to get me mad, I purposely left out this very one because I know that you can easily use it to get to me. It is the invasion of my privacy.

I love and cherish my privacy and I hope you will understand that. I hate it when you start disturbing me with you frequent visits to my house. Don’t you get it? Sometimes, I don’t have the time or will to play the good host. Why do you insist on constantly knocking on my door because you suspect I am inside the house and I don’t want to open the door for you?

You are disturbing my peace and I don’t like that. Do you think I don’t know that you are inside that time I was knocking on your door? Of course, I knew but since you didn’t feel like opening the door even after my third or fourth knock, I took it that you don’t want to be disturbed so I quietly decided to leave and allow you have your peace. Believe me, I won’t hold this against you but at the same time, I am also wishing that you will get the same message and accord me the same respect by allowing me to have mine when it gets to my turn…please.

If you pick up my cellphone and the next thing you are already checking my inbox, you are already pissing me off. Why is it so hard for you to see that I don’t go through your text messages because I don’t want to come off as being nosy. It is for the same reasons that I don’t go through your lockers, wardrobes or cupboards anytime I visit your place although those are usually the first things you do when you come to mine.

But that’s not all. There are some other little things you might do which you don’t know can also piss me off. For example, not looking at me when I am telling you something like a story or even chewing in my ears...damn! If you are the type that shares one-line stupid updates of your private life and even personal prayers as your update on social networks, you will still achieve the same thing with me.

Similarly, if you are repeatedly spelling words wrongly, you might be unknowingly pissing me off already especially when it starts to seem as if you don’t even care about taking your corrections.

You can also piss me off if you don’t follow easily. Granted, so many people learn at their own pace and not everybody is gifted with the ability of understanding very fast but to me that does not explain why after teaching you and shouting myself hoarse for close to two hours and I ask you what you don’t understand and you open your mouth and say to me, “Everything…start from the beginning…please?”

Jeez.

Ahem, how can I miss this one? If you are the ‘buy me this; buy me that’ type of girl you will always piss me off because one thing I hate is people wasting money just because it is not theirs.

So like I said before, there you have it. I hope you will use them and use them very well because they are as dangerous as a double edged sword which you know can easily cut both ways. You may find out that in a bid to piss me off, you end up entering into the black book of so many other people who are not even as forgiving and understanding as I am.

This is because even as I am telling you all these, I still can’t put a finger on why you would even want to piss me off. Is it because I seem to get along with people so easily? Is it because I am always cheerful? Is it because you suspect I have something wonderful going for me and I don’t want to share? Why?

Well let me tell you something you might not know. I don’t have any special thing going for me. People like me because I am interested in their problems. They like me because I try as much as possible not to bore them with the so many sordid and unpleasant details of my own life which I know will definitely freak them out.

Instead, I try to give them hope by downplaying their worries and letting them know that no matter how bad things might appear right now, it might have been worse.

I also make sure I don’t boast by constantly reminding them of why I am the shit! Rather, I prefer telling them how they can do the same and rise up to greater heights. And while we are it, I also make it a point to show them that I am not in any way threatened by their success and believe it or not, it works, at least for those who believe.

I always try to point out to them the good things in everything they see. I try to make use of my sense of humor in making them laugh. You can also do this if you really want to but first you must be aware that the happiness which you see in me all the time which makes it seem as if I am better than you is simply because I have earlier learnt that happiness is an inside job.