Presenting A Study Of 'Rugs' . . .

I'M ALMOST BALD

and I make no excuses for what Mother Nature has done to me in my latter years. At first, I was ashamed of being seen in public with my receeding hairline that exposed my shiny head that could be used as a beacon to guide lost ships to safety. I was miserable.

Then something amazing happened. I got honest. Tough with myself. I got full of courage and shouted at a mirror in my house, "I'm balding! So what?" With that self-affirmation, I was free of all the self-loathing. Doubting. And fear of going to eat at a restaurant.

Fact is, when I realized that by NOT changing my appearance, people would get used to seeing me as I was, but if I had chosen to wear a wig, then I would have added-pressure of knowing that in the next moment, my wig could be blown away with a gust of March wind. Who needs added-pressure anyway?

So that's how I turned out. I may be almost-bald, but I'm happy with being "me." And that's all that really matters.

Right?

Let's talk about . . .

rugs. Hair pieces. Weaves. Extensions. Toupee's. Mops. You name it. Wigs, bad or good, have been called several nicknames over the years, and even with modern hair technology, fears remain. Fears that accompany being a human being. And let's so some facing of the truth. Human beings are sometimes. Many times. Targets for fear.

And with opting to wear a wig, there are dark. Secret, fears concerning . . .

How the wig will look on my head?

How people will react when they see 'me' with this five-thousand-dollar hair piece.

Will this wig blow off as easy as an angry gust of wind blowing a lowly housefly from the air?

Will I be made the 'butt of bad jokes,' insults, and laughed at in the office?

Is it possible for insects and birds to nest in this wig without 'me' knowing it?

. . .are just a few of the mind and confidence-shattering fears that go with our decision to change our looks from balding, (talking to men only), to a youthful. Vigorous. Man of envy. A man with a full head of hair.

I've studied it for years. Years, mind you. Long hours spent with cups of black coffee. Sitting alone in a room with one light, thinking of why people want to 'throw caution to the wind,' and 'go for broke,' and come morning, show up at Tom's Wig-A-Rama, and have their looks. Personality. And attitude changed. When their VISA card is swiped through the monitor to the tune of five, or maybe eight-thousand big ones, to just wear a wig. And I'm no nearer the answer to this perplexing quandary now than I was years ago when my study began.

Reasons why people, mostly guys, wear wigs . . .

• Vanity - a man loses his hair, then loses his youth. Vitality. Bold appearance in the workplace. Or home. Vanity, according to the Bible, is a deadly sin. When used in a useful way, if there be such a thing, vanity can be good for you. But when used to mask a once-young man of action. And fiery passion, it can be very deadly. Embarrassing.
• Image - is everything to a man. Come on. Be honest, guys. No one, if they were given a lie detector test, would own up to really liking a bald man. But a man with lots of thick, wavy, hair, well you have another story there. Men with hair are invited to office parties. Social functions. Given promising promotions. I wonder, statistically-speaking, what the ratio is between powerful CEO's with hair, and janitors who are bald. Not that there is anything wrong with being a janitor.
• Looking Cool - is probably the most-obvious reason that men like to wear wigs. Cool guys have hair. Long hair. Salon-styled hair. Hair that girls love to run their hands through--giggling and wanting to go to the guy (with hair) place for a long. Hot. Night of unbridled romance.
• Success - and hair go hand-in-hand. Face it. How many guys, Telly Savalas and Yul Brenner, excluded, are ever successful? In Telly and Yul's case, these Hollywood icons were super-talented actors. They had charisma. Confidence. Rare traits to men who are bald. Most bald guys are timid. Self-conscious. Loner's. Obscure. Two men are being interviewed for a high-level job. One man has full, thick hair. The other man is bald as a turnip. Which guy do you honestly think will get the job? It's the man with hair all the time. Especially if the job involves selling and interacting with people. There's something trustworthy about a man with hair. Why bald men are not trusted, I do not know?
• Youth - rates high for a reason a sensible. Level-headed. Middle-age man wants to wear a wig. "Mid-life crises?" Maybe. But inside every man who is lost his hair due to stress from working daylight to dark to support his family, is a young man crying out for help. This middle-age guy notices that his son, "Tony," a stellar athlete in high school, sometimes winces. Grimaces. When bald dad asks him to go with him to the backyard for some football passing practice. Young men and women are honest. They only tolerate bald parents, speaking only of dads here. But they love being seen with a man with hair that blows in wind as he leaps like a scared gazelle running to catch the ball his son has thrown to him. This is a fact.

Things to remember when buying a wig . . .

DO . . .

• ask the wig salesperson how sturdy the wig is before you buy it
• ask the wig salesperson if the wig is made from human hair or hair from a horse's mane
• try the wig on before you sign off to a hefty bill of six-thousand dollars. The salesperson expects you to try this wig on. He or she is a pro. So you be bold. Confident when you are negotiating with the salesperson.
• ask if the wig has a replacement policy
• ask how long the wig will last

DON'T . . .

• act all timid. Weak. Nervous. Or you will be "taken for a ride," by the salesperson. That's why I suggest (in above section) to ask all the questions you like. It's your right as a consumer
• just settle on the first wig that the salesperson shows you. Believe me. The salesperson needs this sale. Bad. Their quota needs to be made for this quarter. Be choosy. Picky. Finicky as a cat. It will pay off for you when you step out in public with your new wig.
• show fear. At all. Act like you know a thing or two about wigs. In today's technociety, you have Google and many trusted search engines on your computer. Go online. Seek out all the information about wigs that you can find. Jot down what things you want to ask when buying a wig. The salesperson will be so impressed at your 'wig wisdom,' you might get a discount. And hey single guys, you might get the pretty girl salespeson's phone number along the way. Wisdom of wigs can benefit you.
• say ignorant things like, "Hun, this wig smells like a dog that has come in from the rain," or "got any wigs that are fireproof?" You are not a fool. Be suave. Take charge. Reply in brief phrases. You don't want to come off looking gullible to this salesperson.
• wad-up the wig in your hands like it's a grease rag in "Dino's Body Shop," and then toss it on the counter. This gives the salesperson a vibe that you do not know a thing about wigs. And do not get a salesman in the wig store to model the wig for you to see how it looks on him, a perfect stranger. You be the boss. It's your head.

REMEMBER, WHEN WEARING YOUR WIG . . .

Just be cool. Relaxed. Calm. Expect 'some' good-natured, and even a bit of 'hurtful' verbal jabs when you make your debut wearing your wig. Gear up and stand firm. When your boss says, "Hey, Bob, you wearing a piece?" Just laugh. Reply, "no, it's a wig. I don't believe in guns," and with that you have scored a joke that will break the tension in the office so you can continue your workday in peace. This will work. Unless your boss loves guns, and chews you out in front of the office staff. Check on this fact if your boss loves guns or not before popping-off this line about 'wearing a piece.'

When you are on a date with your hot. Steamy. Girlfriend. And you two are seated in the middle of the restaurant, and a fly or gnat should buzz you, do not try to swap it if it heads for your wig. Even the most-durable wigs can come off accidentally. And friend, you want your girlfriend to love your new image. Be on fire for you. Not laughing at you for chasing your runaway wig in the restaurant floor. Just remember: "Fly or gnat, leave it where it's at," and you will be fine.

In case there is that outside chance. Say one in one trillion, that you wig does fall off, or down on your head in front of coworkers, family or your hot, steamy girlfriend in the posy restaurant, do not panic. Be firm, but comical. All you have to do is give people (who are laughing at you) time to settle down and compose themselves, smile sly as a fox, and say, "works every time," wink at your hot. Steamy girlfriend. And enjoy the evening. She will be turned-on with your self-confidence.

Do not be tempted to remove your wig in public and begin to comb and style it yourself. People will start whispering that you are 'not there,' and lonely. Some might even call Homeland Security. And friend, you do not want the laughable title of, "The Rug Terrorist," because if this should happen, you have sealed your life as a social misfit. Socially. And professionally. For Good.

I hope that I've been able to shed some light on the choice of whether or not to buy a wig. This was hard work, guys. You will never fathom just how much work went into this story.

I had to remain focused on information about wigs while dealing with the laser-like glare coming from my head that was reflecting off my computer screen.

Not a fun job. Not at all.