ATTENTION CORPORATE AMERICA: My Head Is For Sale

I’m serious. I’m through, (for the time being), writing comical stories and self-help pieces--giving deserving citizens a piece of happiness while they are living in today’s ‘dog-eat-dog’ society. I have arrived at a startling conclusion that has drastically changed my entire life: I am NO Mother Teresa. Although I admired and love her to this day, there was only one Mother Teresa. And I ain't her.

There’s just way too much of ‘me’ in my daily life for me to even consider qualifying to be on the same city bus as Mother Teresa. And I’m purging my soul of this awful ‘monster’ of trying to be like Mother Teresa and other selfless saints. Mother Teresa and millions like her, selfless souls, are not at eternal bliss and peace for eternity. And in my humble opinion, they deserved it.

Introducing the ‘new me’! Starting with this story, I am embarking on a new, self-first campaign where I am going to do something just for me. No one else. I know that sounds cold, heartless, and self-centered, but I cannot take the pressure of trying to live in someone else’s shadow like Mother Teresa, a tireless servant of people young and old alike--day and night, round the clock. And it is pressure, ladies and gentlemen to continually come up with ways to make society a better place to live and work--and all the time thinking in the back of your mind, “Will ‘my’ day ever come?” Well, today, it did. My ship has come in. I have struck the mother lode of self-promotion ideas all in one bolt out of the blue as I looked into my bathroom mirror and realized that there is nothing nice, cute, cuddly, or sexy about a bald head.

That’s right. I said it. And I mean it from the top of my shiny head. Oh yeah, I know that in my profile photo taken last year at our local Huddle House in Hamilton, Alabama, I had hair. More than I do now. But that was a year ago. Nowadays, I am bald to the scalp--in the style of Navy Seal volunteers. I guess I like this no-hair look. I save time when I go out by not having any hair to wash or comb. That’s the upside. The downside is that there aren't any girls, married or single, who fantasize about being with a bald man. Including myself. What a sad state of affairs.

Now I cannot speak for all bald men. There are some men who prefer a bald head as opposed to having a full-head of hair. Telly Savalas, Yul Brenner, and Stone Cold Steve Austin (a wrestler) all look fantastic with a bald head. But like I said, I am not Mother Teresa, Savalas, Brenner or Austin. I miss my hair and the song by the Cowsills, “Hair,” a catchy name. I would give $500.00 if I could just once again, be told by an older authority figure, “Hey, hippie! Get that hair cut…now!” Those were the days of youth that are now faded as the morning fog.

And there are some very hot ladies who had rather be with a man with a bald head than him to have hair. I don’t know why and do not tell me that overkilled statement, “Bald is beautiful,” for to me, it’s not. I am ashamed to go out in public. People always, no matter how many times they see me in my small hometown of Hamilton, Alabama, they point and whisper to their friends about how I used to have hair. Thanks for the hurtful reminder, guys.

I now am taking up for all bald people who are not happy at being bald. Someone besides Bosley Hair Clinic had to do this. Oh I do get direct-mail from Bosley wanting me to spend $1200.00 for them to design a head full of hair just for me. Yeah, that will be the day. Democrats and Republicans will be best friends before that happens.

For years, bald people, mostly men, have been the butt of ugly, vicious and malicious jokes. And you know that I am correct.

People with nothing constructive or positive to do, see someone like me walking down the sidewalk and then it’s on. They smile that hateful smile and their hateful mouths open wide as an alligator’s snout and say things like, “Hey, put a cap on! The glare from your head is blinding me!” “Hold still for a minute so I can look in your head and comb my hair.” “Ever polish that dome with Turtle Wax?” “Hey, you could stand on the seashore and help to guide ships in the fog to safety with that shiny head!” Do you wonder now why I am doing something for myself?

I am not doing anything illegal or hurtful. Or anything that Homeland Security, if they are monitoring our stories, would be suspicious of. No, I am doing what an old saying says, “I am talking the lemons that life has given me and turning it into some possible revenue,” I changed that around to suit myself. And that’s why I am upset at being the center of cruel jokes, pranks, and stupid looks from stupid people who have no heart.

What I am proposing to do is simple. And legal. I cannot find in any state or area of law where my proposal is against any law. I should have done this years ago when my hair started to be only passing memories. But someone once said that we are never too old to learn, so I want to test that theory by announcing to all of my fellow Hub writers, major corporations who might be reading this and maybe a few millionaires who find great pleasure in giving away their major bucks to someone like me.

I am SELLING THE NAKED SPACE ON MY HEAD! That’s right. Head for Sale. Mine. Slightly-used for thinking over the years. Hardly broken-in. Good shape and requires no plastic surgery. My head is slick and captures a lot of attention everywhere I go. And the cost is ridiculously-low for I am not about robbing companies or people of their fortunes. I am just wanting to make enough dough to pay off my house, car and place some of the money in my church for the programs we have that help others who are less fortunate. And you can ‘bank on this,” (pardon my financial pun), I am not a greedy man. The price I am asking is negotiable, but I am not giving my head space away. And since I do not require the services of some highly-paid lawyer, I can negotiate my own deal saving you and I valuable time and money.

I am asking a mere $300.000.00 a year to place YOUR COMPANY’S logo on top of my head for 1 year. I promise you that I will NOT attempt to get this removed, tampered with, or altered in any way. If your company wants a lot of extra exposure, then you need to contact me for I have no problem with appearing in church, public, restaurants or interstate rest areas with a logo such as the Nike “check mark,” or any corporate logo. I am not too good to have people come up and ask, “Why are you wearing (YOUR COMPANY NAME)’s logo on your head?” I will smile and answer back, “I am an American. I love to help our corporate communities all I can.” And walk away.

And you think that I am kidding, right? Wrong! I am dead-serious. Now I will not get a vulgar tattoo on my head or a tattoo that suggests violence toward women, policemen or service personnel. I want to wear YOUR company logo on my head. And I want you to call my bluff. Here is my phone number that you can call anytime: 1/205/921/4159. And please, anyone who reads this, this is MY idea and I ask you nicely, do not try and copy me in this. I really need the cash.

As a bonus to your company, I will get the local newspaper to write a feature story about me wearing your company logo. I feel that I am the ONLY one in my hometown to ever do this. Also, our local television stations would love to show me on the air--holding my head over to show YOUR logo to all of their viewers. And yes, I am totally serious.

And as an extra bonus, I will supply your company with a video tape each month showing me in various places where people shop the most such as our local Walmart Super Center, Tractor Supply and our Burger King, McDonald’s, Pizza Hut and Hardee’s restaurants. I am looking forward to causing a stir when I walk in with YOUR company logo on my head. And wintertime is no problem. I do not wear a cap or hat anyway, so you get year-around exposure.

Just imagine what some extra exposure would do for YOUR company by letting me wear YOUR company logo on my head. The results may be staggering. And I will go to as many places each day as I possibly can. You have my word on this and all of my claims.

I do hope that soon, my wife will answer my phone and yell to me, “Head’s up, it’s a major corporation wanting you to wear their logo on your head!”

My dream of being able to help myself and my church will then be a true reality.