Why do I hide?
Nouwen has observed, “…nagging self-doubt is at the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling in our competitive society.”
What an insightful observation. Self-doubt…the base of…depression, indulge me to go one step further – self…the base of…depression. This sounds hard, it is an awful thought, yet, I cannot dent this. Depression depends on absorption with self.
How often have I lived in fear of “discovery?” It makes me sad now to think of it and admit it. Yet, ironically, I am exactly what I “feared” everyone will discover…what I am trying to cover, (see my hub: Christian Who Are You? ) my depraved nature will never be anything but depraved…that is the truth. However, having said all that, Depravity is not all there is to me. Yes, I will always have the depraved nature, until I go home to glory, but even today there is more to me than that!
Jesus has entered my life! Jesus has raised my spirit from the dead in and through His death and resurrection. The greater part of me is Jesus! I live and breathe by His power and life.
Let me quote Galatians 2:20,
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”
Christ! This means the anointed, which is the living, Son of God, Jesus of Nazareth! God, who will one day, be seen again in the flesh. Oh, how amazing.
Let me write it another way…
I have been crucified with the Anointing and I no longer live but the Anointing lives in me! This is incredible. God hears me because His Anointing lives in me in the form of the Spirit. It is by His power, wisdom, and strength that I live. He knows what is in me. When I was still an unregenerate sinner He chose to save me (Ephesians 1:4), heal me, separate me, and make me holy by His holy life and presence. I am holy because He is holy and lives in me. It is nothing of myself. There is nothing in me that is holy except the Spirit of the living God.
The question then becomes,
Do I want people to Jesus or see me?
Am I willing to let all that comprised me – dreams, ambitions, loves, fears –die?
Am I willing to take up the dreams, purposes and loves of Jesus?
Am I willing to be His instrument of use on the earth?
Am I willing to be used by the Living God, Jesus?
There are many songs in the Church repertoire that we often sing that has the thought, “Jesus use me…” I sing them often from a sincere heart. But…what do I mean what does Jesus mean? Do I mean use “me” as in all that “I” am, “my” purposes through “my” abilities, gifts etc. Or as Jesus means as in use me as an “empty” vessel, devoid of the “my” and filled with the “His;” His abilities, His gifts, His wisdom, His strengths. There is a tremendous difference here.
One glorifies me – and “I” can be assured I will get some credit.
The second glorifies Jesus, glorifies God – and He gets all the credit.
I have understood “use me” all wrong. Being an instrument, a vessel in the hand of Jesus is so much different than,”tell me and I’ll get it done for you.”
See if I can say this right:
Jesus doesn’t want me to work for Him…
He wants to use me to work with…
One means I am alive and in control…
The other means Jesus is alive and in control…
A living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)! Living because He fills me – Jesus, the Spirit of the Living God, three in One, fills me.
© 2010 UlrikeGrace
