It's Not Panty Theft If....
Sometimes, the line between panty ownership and panty theft can blur. I'm here to help you work out your panty woes by delineating very clearly the difference between panty theft and … not panty theft.
It's not panty theft if...
- You order them in your wife's name and then lie in wait by the letterbox all night waiting to intercept that 6 am delivery so she never calls up Victoria's Secret asking why they sent her panties in a size two larger than her own.
- They're gifted or given to you by another party. This includes if they happen to be thrown at you by adoring fans. Panty lover PRO TIP: Becoming a rock star increases one's panty collection exponentially, but significantly increases the chances of dying by an accidental overdose. Of panties, or something more illicit.
- You wear a trench coat and dark sunglasses into a store in the next town over and purchase panties in a surreptitious fashion.
- You find panties laying around in public space, ie in a trash can, or perhaps under the bushes in your local park. It's not panty theft if you take these kinds of panties, but it is kind of gross.
It might be panty theft if...
- If you lick the panties first. They are not technically yours, but others may no longer want them. The same goes if you wear the panties for three days straight.
- If you 'bags' the panties, then they are yours. But only if no prior ownership has been established. If you 'bags' panties in a store, you will still be required to purchase the panties, usually for the marked price.
- If you take a pair of panties into Sherwood forest and remain undetained for a year and a day you will no longer be guilty of panty theft according to storybook lore. Modern day law may be less forgiving. Because we live longer now, so, one year and one day isn't very long, relative to your life span.
It is panty theft if....
- If they belong to blood relative, its panty theft.
- If they're currently being worn by someone else, yes, it is panty theft.
- If you find them in, on or around another person's home, yes, it is panty theft if you take them. Even if your host isn't looking.
- If you take panties in the Middle East, you could loose a hand. On the plus side, if you're in the Middle East you can wear a dress without anyone pointing and laughing. Swings and roundabouts!
It's Okay To Buy Panties
Sometimes just obtaining the panties is 90% of the battle for men who love lingerie, but I must encourage you to screw your courage to the sticking post and buy panties either online or in your local stores. If you want to avoid the gaze of Joe Public, online panty shopping provides a wide range of panties, panties in designs and fabrics you may never have so much as imagined in your panty dreams. The legitimate panty world awaits, barely a click away.
