10 Ways to Get Your Friends to Unfriend You on Facebook
What's the ultimate insult on Facebook? Simple, it's looking at your profile one day and seeing 100 friends and then looking at it the next day and seeing 99 friends and realizing the horror: you've been unfriended. Suddenly, somebody who used to declare you a friend has now declared you an unfriend. It's a terrible feeling. You sit and ask yourself: "How did we get here?" "How did I become an unfriend?" "What is an unfriend?" "If I thought of this person as a friend and now they think of me as an unfriend, are they now my unfriend too?" "What are one's obligations as an unfriend?" "Are there any?" Fear not, my friends! Avoid the things I've outlined below and you can avoid ever becoming an unfriend on Facebook.
1. Too many pet pictures. If you've ever done online dating, this problem is endemic to that field too. Any woman who posts a profile picture of herself with her pet is somebody to stay away from. That's creepy. And sad. Look, it's okay once-in-awhile, but if your entire photographic history of yourself includes a picture of your dog or cat, something has gone terribly wrong in your life. I love my cat. I just don't want to have people thinking my life IS my cat. It may very well be, but I don't want people to know it.
2. One word: Farmville.
3. TMI. You post a photo of yourself on the toilet or a photo that looks like you are on the toilet. That's too much facebooking right there. This is really just an example of TMI Facebooking. There are other photo types. The toilet photo is symbolic. Kind of.
4. You post details of your latest visit to the doctor. See, most doctors' visits end with the doctor putting his finger up your anus (or some such analagous thing that puts a picture in your reader's mind), so effectively if you write about your doctor's visit, whatever you post, no matter how benign, ends like this in the minds of your readers: "So, he told me that everything was fine and that I was as healthy as a horse and it was really the most pleasant experience in the world (and then the doc stuck his finger up my anus)." Something like that is going through somebody's mind as they read your doctor story, so just don't post them. We're all naked, vulnerable, and alone in the doctor's office. Remember that, unless that's the kind of thing you want to convey about yourself to others.
5. Overuse of the exclamation mark. The latest Lady Gaga album is awesome! My pants are on fire! I just went on the most exhilirating bike ride! Coffee is great! This article on knitting gave me an erection! You know who you are.
6. Too many posts about mundane parts of your life. Look, you don't have to write like J.K. Rowling, but let's face it, if the first hundred pages of Harry Potter were all about the sores on his arms, and what he ate for breakfast, and how the water in his shower didn't get hot fast enough, and how his trashcan smells like sewage, and how he jammed his groin into a doorknob, we'd all be rooting for Voldemort.
7. You bite on and post more than one phishing link. I don't care how long I've known you, if you waste more than five minutes of my time tricking me into clicking on your "THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER" link, I will hide you right out of existence.
8. Ask for money. There are lots of different ways to ask for money. You can just ask for it or you can post various links to various causes and make everyone feel guilty because they didn't give money to the homeless or cancer research or pet overpopulation. And maybe I'm just a cheap bastard, but I didn't join Facebook so I could feel like a guilty cheapskate all the time. Facebook is about me, remember? And keep in mind that if I get one money request from you, I'm probably getting one from everybody else. That adds up in both money and guilt. You made me feel guilty. You're not my friend.
9. Excessive positivity or negativity. Reading about how "OMG isn't life the greatest!" every two seconds isn't any better than reading "My life sucks" every two seconds. If the emotional rollercoaster of your life is a flat track, your missives probably aren't going to get past your own brain. That said, if your emotional flat track is filled with humor, you're probably okay. And if you're posting about how your cat died twenty times a day, you've hit #1 and #9 at the same time. Good job.
10. You can't spell. Maybe this doesn't apply for everyone, but generally the company you keep is a reflection of your intelligence, so if you're posting stuff like "Look whats comeing to the theatir. Its a new movee by the Coen brothers. I think its there forth one." you're making whoever is reading that feel like a moron for having you as a friend. Most of us can feel like morons all on our own without any help from you. Spelling and good grammar pay off with smart friends and appreciative smart friends. Like, thanks for posting stuff that doesn't embarrass me when me wife looks at it.
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