Quotes and Facebook Status Suggestions

The first one was popular enough, I had to create a second one. Once again, if I know the source, it is provided, otherwise I left it blank.  Hope you enjoy!!

1. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. ~ Demetri Martin
2. Forgive those who hurt you even if whatever they did is unforgiveable. You will forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you don't want to suffer every time you remember what they did to you.
3. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made. ~ Groucho Marx
4. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves ~ Confucious
5. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
6. I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it ~ Groucho Marx
7. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
8. Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week ~ George Bernard Shaw
9. No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, as long as you're still walking, you're always able to turn around
10. If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto. ~ Frankie Boyle
11. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give a man a fully charged electric eel and he'll never bother you for anything else ever again
12. One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! ~ Rodney Dangerfield
13. Never mistake kindness for weakness nor silence for stupidity
14. I’ve never been to an Al-Qaeda Christmas party, but I have seen the invites. No music, no dancing, but we promise the fastest game of pass the parcel you’ve ever seen. ~ Omid Djalili
15. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. ~ Oprah Winfrey
16. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. ~ Peter Tosh
17. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~ Erma Bombeck
18. I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
19. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. ~ David Brent
20. Why is it that cashiers always ask, “Is that everything?” One day I’m going to say, “No, this is only half of it. I’ll be back in an hour after I fill this cart again.”
21. Why do people choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America?
22. I'm always thankful when strangers say, "It's okay, I won't bite.", because I often judge them by whether or not they look like they will bite me.
23. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
24. Sleep is my drug; My bed is the dealer; My alarm is the cops; Work is the jail
25. Some people hear voices, some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
26. Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. ~ Dave James
27. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. ~ Bill Cosby

28. I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. ~ Oscar Wilde

    
    

    
    

It's late, that's all I have for now. Stay tuned for more :)