Dog services for rent

If my Dog were to put an ad in our local newspaper as “looking for Work’, I think it might go something like this:

Hi, my name is Deuce (meaning #2 or son of Duke), I am a mixed breed of dog and am fairly young so my energy level is way up there, I can play all day. My Mom says I need to get a job to repay her for the toilet paper I keep eating. Here are some of my qualifications for work, should you require my services.

1.) If you’re a school child who didn’t quite get to your homework, just give me a piece of paper I will shred it so well your teacher will have to believe the story “My Dog ate it”. I promise to leave a nice pile of paper that you can take into the teacher.

2.) If your mad at your sister, I promise that if you feed me just before bedtime and forget to let me out, I will poop in the hallway and you can tell your Mom she did it.

3.) For the Dad in the home, if you leave items out such as wood pieces, I promise that I will chew them up, effectively giving you that excuse to NOT make those needed repairs. The same goes for that old extension cord you wanted to replace but never could find an excuse to do so. After I chew it into a few pieces, you will have your reason to buy a new one.

4.) If you have other dogs and cats in the house I will promise to make a mess, and look effectively chastened, so they can feel better about what they didn’t do.

5.) I promise that I will eat anything off of your plate that you don’t want, even broccoli. Just be sure to stick it under the table so your Mom can’t see.

6.) For the Moms, I am a great babysitter, I love babies. I consider them my personal drinking fountain. With all that lovely drool falling out of their mouths, my tongue will never run dry.

7.) I am also a self cleaning wash cloth, let me find a dirty face and I will be sure to clean it, you never have to wash my tongue! I should probably mention here, on occasion, I forget to wait until the baby has finished eating before starting my cleaning duties. After a long hard day at work, put up your feet, I will in no time have them have them cleaned and feeling refreshed!

8.) I don’t like to be brushed, but let a baby with sticky hands crawl on me and all the old hair and dirt comes with it, I don’t mind, as I said babies are the best!

9.) I love to play with other dogs, so if your pet is in need of a ‘play date’, I’m your guy! We can even tease the Cat, I won’t hurt it, just see if I can make it run up a tree. My cat is old and boring and won’t run when I try to chase him.

10.) I can give you your needed exercise, when you take me out to play catch, I won’t even chase after the ball. I will let you do it so that way you get your exercise. I promise that as soon as you sit down, I will ask to go outside. See with me around, you will certainly get some good workouts!

11.) My Mom says I am a great bed warmer, I will wait until you get up in the middle of the night, then jump in your spot, just to keep it warm. At least I’m a thoughtful guy!

12.) If your own pet isn’t treating you right, I will make sure he/she is effectively taught how to treat a child, because I am very protective of my babies. Oh, I won’t hurt them, I will just get in the way and re-direct their attention elsewhere.

These are my qualifications for work, I am sure there is something you can find for me to do around your house, if nothing else I will probably make you laugh with the things I do. That in itself should be worth a roll of toilet paper. I don’t have a cell phone, well I can’t really talk either, but should you need my services, get in contact with my Mom, I’m sure she’ll let you rent me out for an afternoon of fun.