Pet Adoption: I Am Living In An Animal Shelter

We have animals! Three dogs and one cat and there is no doubt who runs the show around this house. It certainly isn’t Bev and I nor is it Bev’s daughter. We like to occasionally make an attempt at taking control of the house but really, fantasy is a lovely place to live. In truth the animals just let us have our illusions occasionally and then they once again snatch it back from us, laughing in their animal way.

I’m the newcomer in this household and as such I needed to learn my place and learn it quickly. Most people don’t realize that pets have a low tolerance level and they will only put up with so much from a stranger before they feel it is their duty to set things straight.

Before I get too far in this article and put the proverbial cart before the horse, allow me to introduce the players in this soap opera that is my life.

LUCY

Miss Lucy is our black cat. She is as old as Moses and has the temperament of a starved Doberman. Lucy senses that I’m not fond of felines so she makes every attempt to rub against my leg and crawl into my lap. It’s her way of establishing dominance and also saying, “I don’t much care if you don’t like me, Big Boy, just shut up and live with it.”

We don’t hear much from Lucy unless she is out of water or food and then she is fond of meowing loudly which of course means get your ass in gear and feed me.

She is like a permanent piece of furniture. One day she is on the couch, never moving, a silent Ninja waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting. The next day she can be found on the chair and the next the piano. There seems to be only one guiding principle that she lives with: if it’s an area that you are planning on using then you can count on her being there. She considers it her duty to annoy me and she does it quite well.

By the way....Lucy's favorite spot to go poop.....the bathtub! Enough said!

JAZZ (OR JASMINE IF YOU PREFER)

Jazz is as sweet a dog as you are ever going to meet and she, too, is old. I’m not sure how old but if there was Medicare for dogs she would have her card. She is a yellow lab who looks like a blonde bear and she lumbers along when the spirit moves her, which isn’t often.

Jasmine is one of the best dog farters I have ever known and her timing is impeccable. It makes no difference what time we plan on eating lunch or dinner; once we start then she is under the table letting off fart bombs. I don’t know how she times it perfectly but she is a master of her art. If it didn’t stink so badly I would applaud her efforts.

This waddling package of putrid odors rarely goes outside and most certainly not if it’s raining. She does not appear to be fond of getting her feet wet. Her favorite trick (other than farting of course) is to step off of the deck and then do a #2 on the edge of the deck. Bev is not as amused by this trick as I am since she usually has clean-up duty. Personally I think it is hilarious!

CEE CEE

Miniature dachshund by breed, Beauty Queen by nature, Cee Cee is unique in the animal kingdom. If you are familiar with Winnie-the-Pooh, and who isn’t, Cee Cee is Pooh…she is a dog of little brain. I don’t know how to say this without sounding offensive, but Cee Cee is mentally challenged. She exists in a land of giants and blissfully goes about life without a care in the world. At any moment she could be stepped on and permanently injured but she is oblivious to the impending danger of everyday life.

The humans in the home really need to be careful because you never really know where Cee Cee is at any given time. Most likely she is right next to your feet doing her little dog thing and you are totally unaware that she is there. I have tripped over her several times and narrowly missed squashing her on many occasions.

Bev and I have talked about giving her up for adoption to a family of dwarfs so she doesn’t risk becoming a pancake but she is so damn adorable we can’t conceive of actually doing it.

As you can see from the picture Cee Cee recently dislocated her elbow?? Shoulder?? Some damn joint. We have no idea how she did it but we suspect she was bowled over by Atticus who I will talk about shortly. Anyway, now she hobbles around on three legs and that, too, is adorable. I fear we will have Cee Cee with us for quite some time.

ATTICUS

The newest of the clan, Atticus was picked up at the Animal Shelter one fine day in December. Bev was out for a drive, decided to swing by the shelter and called me to tell me she had fallen in love.

Atticus was the object of her affection, a ten-month old mutt of questionable lineage, who bounces about knocking over everything in his path. A canine wrecking ball if there ever was one. If Cee Cee is Pooh then Atticus is Tigger. He is an exhausting whirling dervish who chews up everything and anything. We have given up trying to buy him toys. Hell, the whole house is his toy, so why waste money?

Our newest child also digs holes. The picture to the right does not do his handiwork justice. Atticus is capable of digging holes that look like a meteor landed in the back yard. We are talking crater-sized holes and each and every hole is strategically placed so that I will step in it at night.

Just when I think I can’t get any madder at him and I’m going to make hot dogs out of his ground-up body he puts his head in my lap and looks at me with those big, brown eyes. Okay, I’m a sucker for that look! So sue me!

THAT’S OUR FAMILY FOR NOW

Why for now? Because I don’t trust Bev when it comes to animals, that’s why! If she had her way she would save and adopt every single homeless dog and cat in the city and then where would I sleep? I have to watch her constantly to make sure she isn’t putting food out on the porch trying to entice some wayward animal to join our growing family. Are there tax deductions for animals? Is there any possible way for me to make money off of Bev’s heartwarming nature? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Of course, in a little over three years we are going to buy a farm and move to the country. Can you even imagine how many animals we will have once we actually have acreage? Without a doubt we will still have these four. Lucy is too mean to die. Cee Cee is too dumb to die. Jazz is to smelly to die. Atticus is too hyper to die. We are stuck with these four and once we move they will have forty other strays to play with because you know damn well that Bev will be in Mother Teresa Mode. Then we’ll have dogs and cats multiplying faster than the fish and loaves. Staying on the Biblical theme we will probably be able to fill our own Ark once we move there.

Sigh! I’m a patient man but I do have my limits. The night that Bev serves me Kibbles n Bits for dinner I’m going to show my ugly side and then WATCH OUT! I’ll put my foot down then….probably right in a pile of dog poop!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

For more questionable humor see the following:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/My-Rain-Classification-System-For-The-Pacific-Northwest

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Eight-Things-I-Hate-About-Olympia-Washington-My-Hometown

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/The-Top-Five-Recipes-For-Bachelors