- Food and Cooking
The Top Five Easy Meal Recipes For Bachelors
If you read my first recipes article entitled “Food Recipes Guaranteed To Put Hair On Your Chest” you will know I am all about convenience and shelf life. I’m a busy guy like most guys; I have things to do, people to see, places to go, important matters to deal with and I simply don’t have time to prepare lavish meals.
Having said that, it should come as no surprise that when I cook I make sure the preparation takes very little time and that it is a dish that will last me several days. In my humble opinion the greatest invention of all time, and I’m talking in the history of the world, was the microwave. What a marvel that contraption is, zapping our food in such a short amount of time, enabling us all to get back to the more important matters of life like ball games on television and playing poker with the guys. Who the hell actually has time for real cooking? Certainly not the bachelors of the world and that’s why I’m writing this article, to help my fellow brethren with their culinary needs.
Most if not all of my recipes involve processed foods because let’s face it, nothing says long-lasting like processed foods. We are talking stick-to-your ribs food that will probably still be stuck in your colon thirty years from now and that is the essence of this article and the essence of a true bachelor meal.
I make no claims that there is nutritional value in any of these recipes. If you want nutrition then read some wimp recipe book written by some 95-lb waif with perfectly manicured fingernails and no meat on her bones. This article is for bachelors who want a meal to last no matter how few health benefits there are to it. This article is for the eat-as-you-go guy ( and yes, some gals as well) who understand there are so many things more important than good nutrition and a healthy lifestyle. Let those others go hug a tree and munch down on granola and leave us alone with our Spam and Velveeta.
So there you go. As in my last recipe article I have tried to make the recipes as simple as possible because let’s face it, bachelors don’t read instructions anyway.
CANARY TATER TOTS
Do you know what I love about Tater Tots? They last forever! You could put them in a time capsule and have someone open up that capsule 500 years from now and they could toss those tots in a microwave and eat them as if they were a day old. How cool is that?
One package frozen Tater Tots
One pound Velveeta
Place Tater Tots on plate, microwave until thawed and cooked, sprinkle Velveeta on top and microwave again for twenty seconds…….then eat those bad boys!
Repeat for several days afterwards!
You can of course do without the Velveeta if you are in a hurry but I think it’s sinful to cheat yourself out of the classic processed taste of Velveeta.
I know, this sounds complicated like stuffed flounder, but trust me, this is so very simple and yet satisfying.
Several pieces of baloney (any brand will do)
Several slices of Velveeta Cheese
Several slices of Havarti Cheese
One clove of garlic
Crush garlic! Lay out each piece of baloney and then place a slice of Velveeta, a slice of Havarti and a sprinkle of garlic on top of the baloney. Now roll it into a tube shape, stick a toothpick in it and microwave for twenty seconds.
Oh my God, what a taste treat this is! The two cheeses so beautifully compliment the classic taste of baloney and the garlic is guaranteed to leave you gasping for more AND it will keep annoying people from invading your personal space. You can add onions if you really want to keep those people five feet back.
SNAKES IN THE BROWN GRASS
The thing about noodles is you can use them for like twenty million recipes. This is one food staple that should be in every single bachelor pantry. As long as you aren’t brain dead and can boil noodles then you are set for months with a seemingly endless supply of new dishes. Just take whatever you find in the fridge, mix it with noodles and give it a name! Ta Da! Instant classic!
Package of any damn noodles you can find cheap at the store
Package of shoestring potatoes
Boil noodles and then lay the cooked noodles on top of a bed of shoe stringed potatoes. Snakes in the Brown Grass! Get it? I’m not sure which ingredient is the snake; my dad never taught me that! If you want a change of pace then sprinkle some Parmesan cheese on top of it, or melt some Velveeta or hell, go wild and roll it all into a blanket of baloney. I could go on and on with the variations but we need to move to our next recipe.
Let me tell you something about potatoes: it’s the food that keeps on giving. Suppose you forget and leave some potatoes in the drawer and realize it like two months later. Do you know what happens? They start sprouting new growth! You can just dig a hole, throw the old spud in the hole and new spuds will grow out of it. I mean come on; you couldn’t do that with a hamburger! You couldn’t do that with tofu or yogurt! It’s the food that will not die, like a Japanese horror movie from the 50’s except this isn’t horrible but instead ever-lasting. You never have to buy another potato in your lifetime.
Okay, so I got a little bit sidetracked. On to our next recipe!
One pound of bacon
Fry up the bacon and microwave the potatoes. When they are both done crack open the spud and lay several strips of bacon inside and eat.
Nice chance for variations on this one. You can melt some Velveeta on top or you can chop up some hot dogs or Spam and mix in. I love this recipe because it looks elegant and can be served if you have some hot chick coming over who you really….really….really want to impress.
BOUNCY BREAD BALLS (BBB)
Oh, this one is so fun, so entertaining and it is perfect for any occasion. Did I mention how easy it is? So easy even a bachelor can do it, and that’s damn easy!
One loaf of white bread (Wonder Bread is the best)
One jar of Cheese Whiz
Cut the crust off of a piece of bread. Once crust is removed pound the bread with your fist and then roll it into a ball and dip in Cheese Whiz. How fun is that? If you are having a party you can play marbles with the rolled bread and then eat them after the game.
Don’t be concerned about possibly getting dirt on the bread while playing marbles; the Wonder Bread will kill you long before the dirt will.
WHAT’S THAT THEY SAY AT BISTROS?
Oh yes, ENJOY! Like they really mean it! How many times have you had a waiter or waitress tell you to enjoy and you know damn well they could care less? I’d be more impressed and touched by their sincerity if they just told me not to choke on the food. I doubt any of them really want me to choke to death but I doubt any of them really care if I enjoy the meal. Just sayin’.
Well I guarantee you are going to enjoy these tasty recipes. As you can see they have all the pre-requisites of a perfect bachelor meal: loaded with preservatives, easy to make and delicious in that fake-taste sort of way.
Tune in next month when we will highlight more great bachelor recipes.
Oh, wait, one word of warning: if you plan on having a woman over for a date you might want to skip these recipes and just take her out for dinner. If you had any hope of kissing her or making it to second base I can pretty much assure you that it ain’t going to happen if you feed her any of these bachelor meals. You’ll never get out of the batter’s box!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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