ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Why Everyone Should Own a Goat … or a Cow … or a Pig

Updated on February 9, 2013

Why Everyone Should Own a Goat … or a Cow … or a Pig

Don’t blame me. I did not select this topic. It’s Stan Fletcher’s fault. The first six words were his idea for a topic. I just added the Cow and the Pig. Why discriminate? Also – I do not want the ASSFA to come after me. ASSociation of Farm Animals They are already ticked off because I wrote about strange vegetables first.

So, to continue in the vein of utilizing my unbelievable supernatural powers to interview dead famous people and strange vegetables, I will now interview living farm animals. I’ll bet you knew that was where I was heading, didn’t you?

I'll start with the Goat.

me - Shall I address you as Mr. Goat?

Goat - Why don't you just call me Billy? Everyone else does.

Billy's kid
Billy's kid

me – Thank you. Are you married?

Billy – Are you out of your mind? Goats don’t marry. But I do have a girlfriend named Nanny. And we do have a couple of kids. Get it? Kids?

me – Got it. What would you like to tell me to support my thesis that everyone should own a goat.

Billy – Support your whatsis?

me – My topic – owning a goat.

Billy – Okay, that makes more sense. There are a number of reasons why everyone should own a goat.

We browse and carefully graze your lawn so you can save money on gardeners.

We produce goat’s milk and cheese. Did you know that goat's milk contains smaller fat globules than cow’s milk so it is easier for some people to digest and it does not have to be homogenized.

me – No, I didn’t know that.

Billy – We produce goat meat and goatskin but I prefer not to dwell on that.

We can be useful as a beast of burden – don’t particularly appreciate that phrase – to carry your stuff from one place to another. But not in traffic.

And did you know that goats and sheep were among the earliest domesticated animals? Remains have been found from as early as 7,000 B.C.

me – Thank you, Billy. Why don’t you go out to the lawn now and clear that patch of crabgrass?

me – Let’s hear now from the Cow. How now, brown cow?

Cow That’s so lame.

me – Sorry. Shall I call you Miss Cow?

Cow – Excuse me. It’s Ms. Cow. But you may call me, Bossy. My last name is Holstein.

me (mumbling, ‘Bossy? Yes you are’). Thank you. Do you have kids?

Bossy – Don’t you know anything? Kids are what goats have. I have calves.

me – What would you like to tell me, Bossy, about why everyone should own a cow?

Bossy – Well, we eat grass among other things so we can keep your lawn manicured.

And female cows like me produce milk after we have had a calf.

Our milk is also used to make butter, cheese and ice cream.

me – You don’t provide beef?

Bossy – Excuse me. I am not that kind of cow, Thank goodness. You are thinking of beef cattle or steers.

me – Anything else you would like to add.

Bossy – Yes, I was reading the “Dairy Journal” and did you know about cow poo?

me – What’s there to know about cow poo?

Bossy – You humans are so smug. What there is to know is that there are now 121 facilities in the U.S. that are turning cow manure into electricity, How ‘bout them apples? Cow apples, that is.

me – How were you able to read that magazine?

Bossy – The same way that I am able to talk to you, smarty-pants.

me – Go on out back and work on the lawn.

me – Let’s talk to the Pig. How should I address you.

Pig – Just find an envelope and a stamp, buddy.

me – Oh, great. I found a pig that thinks he’s a comedian. Do you have a name you would like me to use?

Pig – Well my family name is Chester White. But I prefer Rodney. I admire Dangerfield.

me – That’s what I was afraid of. So why should everyone own a pig?

Rodney – I’m glad you asked. If I were a small pig like a pot-belly pig, I would say because we are so cute. People keep us as pets. Until we get bigger than the sixty pounds we are supposed to weigh.

You know, I was cute when I was small and pink. I’m the one who first uttered that famous saying, “I’m pink, therefore I’m ham.”

me – I thought it was Descartes who said that.

Rodney – He got it from me. If we are not small and cute, we are raised as food: pork chops, pork loin, pork roast, spareribs, pork tenderloin, ham, bacon, sausage, etc.

We also provide pigskin leather, bristles (for brushes), and we are a source of pharmaceuticals such as insulin.

Did you know that since 1971, pig heart valves have been used to replace damaged human heart valves?

me – Why are pig valves used?

Rodney – Because our valves more closely match those of humans making transplants possible.

Note: Pig byproducts are also used to produce fabric softener, medicine tablets, tambourines,
crayons, beer, bullets, shampoo, body lotion, yogurt, multivitamins, toothpaste, certain paints, and even cigarette filters. Even collagen injections are made from pigs.
And pigs with an excellent sense of smell are used to find truffles in some countries in Europe.

me – Thank you, Billy, Bossy and Rodney. See you back at the farm. In the meantime, Billy, don’t let anyone get your goat . Bossy, try to be less aggressive with udders . And Rodney, you just stay a lovable ham.

© Copyright BJ Rakow 2011, 2013 Rev. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So."


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)