Why Everyone Should Own a Goat … or a Cow … or a Pig

Don’t blame me. I did not select this topic. It’s Stan Fletcher’s fault. The first six words were his idea for a topic. I just added the Cow and the Pig. Why discriminate? Also – I do not want the ASSFA to come after me. ASSociation of Farm Animals They are already ticked off because I wrote about strange vegetables first.

So, to continue in the vein of utilizing my unbelievable supernatural powers to interview dead famous people and strange vegetables, I will now interview living farm animals. I’ll bet you knew that was where I was heading, didn’t you?

I'll start with the Goat.

me - Shall I address you as Mr. Goat?

Goat - Why don't you just call me Billy? Everyone else does.

me – Thank you. Are you married?

Billy – Are you out of your mind? Goats don’t marry. But I do have a girlfriend named Nanny. And we do have a couple of kids. Get it? Kids?

me – Got it. What would you like to tell me to support my thesis that everyone should own a goat.

Billy – Support your whatsis?

me – My topic – owning a goat.

Billy – Okay, that makes more sense. There are a number of reasons why everyone should own a goat.

We browse and carefully graze your lawn so you can save money on gardeners.

We produce goat’s milk and cheese. Did you know that goat's milk contains smaller fat globules than cow’s milk so it is easier for some people to digest and it does not have to be homogenized.

me – No, I didn’t know that.

Billy – We produce goat meat and goatskin but I prefer not to dwell on that.

We can be useful as a beast of burden – don’t particularly appreciate that phrase – to carry your stuff from one place to another. But not in traffic.

And did you know that goats and sheep were among the earliest domesticated animals? Remains have been found from as early as 7,000 B.C.

me – Thank you, Billy. Why don’t you go out to the lawn now and clear that patch of crabgrass?

me – Let’s hear now from the Cow. How now, brown cow?

Cow –That’s so lame.

me – Sorry. Shall I call you Miss Cow?

Cow – Excuse me. It’s Ms. Cow. But you may call me, Bossy. My last name is Holstein.

me – (mumbling, ‘Bossy? Yes you are’). Thank you. Do you have kids?

Bossy – Don’t you know anything? Kids are what goats have. I have calves.

me – What would you like to tell me, Bossy, about why everyone should own a cow?

Bossy – Well, we eat grass among other things so we can keep your lawn manicured.

And female cows like me produce milk after we have had a calf.

Our milk is also used to make butter, cheese and ice cream.

me – You don’t provide beef?

Bossy – Excuse me. I am not that kind of cow, Thank goodness. You are thinking of beef cattle or steers.

me – Anything else you would like to add.

Bossy – Yes, I was reading the “Dairy Journal” and did you know about cow poo?

me – What’s there to know about cow poo?

Bossy – You humans are so smug. What there is to know is that there are now 121 facilities in the U.S. that are turning cow manure into electricity, How ‘bout them apples? Cow apples, that is.

me – How were you able to read that magazine?

Bossy – The same way that I am able to talk to you, smarty-pants.

me – Go on out back and work on the lawn.

me – Let’s talk to the Pig. How should I address you.

Pig – Just find an envelope and a stamp, buddy.

me – Oh, great. I found a pig that thinks he’s a comedian. Do you have a name you would like me to use?

Pig – Well my family name is Chester White. But I prefer Rodney. I admire Dangerfield.

me – That’s what I was afraid of. So why should everyone own a pig?

Rodney – I’m glad you asked. If I were a small pig like a pot-belly pig, I would say because we are so cute. People keep us as pets. Until we get bigger than the sixty pounds we are supposed to weigh.

You know, I was cute when I was small and pink. I’m the one who first uttered that famous saying, “I’m pink, therefore I’m ham.”

me – I thought it was Descartes who said that.

Rodney – He got it from me. If we are not small and cute, we are raised as food: pork chops, pork loin, pork roast, spareribs, pork tenderloin, ham, bacon, sausage, etc.

We also provide pigskin leather, bristles (for brushes), and we are a source of pharmaceuticals such as insulin.

Did you know that since 1971, pig heart valves have been used to replace damaged human heart valves?

me – Why are pig valves used?

Rodney – Because our valves more closely match those of humans making transplants possible.

Note: Pig byproducts are also used to produce fabric softener, medicine tablets, tambourines,
crayons, beer, bullets, shampoo, body lotion, yogurt, multivitamins, toothpaste, certain paints, and even cigarette filters. Even collagen injections are made from pigs.
And pigs with an excellent sense of smell are used to find truffles in some countries in Europe.

me – Thank you, Billy, Bossy and Rodney. See you back at the farm. In the meantime, Billy, don’t let anyone get your goat . Bossy, try to be less aggressive with udders . And Rodney, you just stay a lovable ham.

© Copyright BJ Rakow 2011, 2013 Rev. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So."