Psychic Vegetables and the Things They Have Told Me

Actually, the vegetables are not psychic, just a little bit strange. And strangely, the psychic is me.

So I am writing about Strange Vegetables and the Things They Have Told Psychic Me.

If this hub contains just a particle of wit,

Then thank Stan Fletcher. He’s the one who started it.

You all know about my Interviews that are supernatural, right?

With my psychic powers, I asked these strange vegetables to keep it light.

Just tell me a joke or a humorous story, And all of us will be covered with glory.

First I spoke with the Artichokes,

They wanted to tell knock, knock jokes.

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Fornication.”

“Fornication who?”

“Fornication like this, you should wear socks and shoe(s).”

That was so bad I had to grin and bear it, I think I will go and find me a carrot.

The Carrots asked, “What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

Do you give up? The answer, my friend, is a carrot.” (Think about this one.)

I asked the Beans for favorite lines, And they came up with these:

“It’s not the first mouse, you know, But the second that gets the cheese.”

“What’s a metaphor?” was the Lettuce’s questioning phrase.

Answer: “For cows and sheep to have a safe place to graze,”

The Cabbage then said with a snarl and a scoff,

“Sex on TV can’t hurt you . . . unless you fall off.”

“What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work.” asked the Eggplant - he’s thick.

“A broken boomerang,” I answered? “No,” said the Eggplant. “You call it a stick.”

The white Radish had this question for me – I think he must have been an albino.

“What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.”

I got this one from Asparagus. He seldom drives; just takes the bus.

“A grasshopper walks into a bar, you see.

The bartender says we have a drink named after thee.

Really, says the grasshopper, turning red,

Why would anyone name a drink, Fred?”

The Brussels sprouts had the best riddle that I have heard this year.

“How much do pirates pay for their earrings? Answer – A buccaneer!"

The Celery asked, “Why did the Amish couple get divorced?”

I haven’t a clue. Answer: “He was driving her buggy?” Of course.

That was lame so I moved on to the Beets. They were all on Twitter and twitting tweets,

Those beets are actually such fools. They have the IQ of garden tools.

The Broccoli asked, “What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?”

I said, “I don’t really know.” They said. “It’s simple; kids won’t eat broccoli." (Ugh!)

The Cauliflower told me this charming beguiler:

“What has 4 legs and one arm?” Answer: “A Rottweiler!”

The Onion asked, “What’s the difference between an accordion and an onion?”

Give up? “No one ever cries when you cut up or slice an accordion.”

“The toilet seats were stolen from police headquarters,” said the Pumpkin.

“Now all the police personnel have absolutely nothing to go on.”

The Peas told me about this dyslexic guy – he walked into a bra.

I think that is impossible but they say they know what they saw.

The Turnips discussed a new pill; it makes you feel good but you become dull.

“What’s it called?” I asked. They answered, “Prosaic.” OMG, that joke is archaic.

Here’s the doozy from the Rutabagas.

“Excuse me, does this bus go ‘to Las Vegas?’”

I promise when you read the answer you’ll weep.

“No, I’m sorry, this bus goes beep, beep, beep.”

Now a great big finish from the Spinach. I just hope it doesn’t damage my image.

Two guys were walking their dogs. One had a large German shepherd. The other had a tiny Chihuahua.

The shepherd owner said, “Let’s go into this bar for a drink.”

The other guy asked, “Will they let us in with our dogs, ya think?”

“Watch this.” He puts on dark glasses and acts like his shepherd is a Seeing Eye.

Then he walks into the bar, orders a drink, and sits there like any other guy.

So the second man puts on his dark glasses and walks his Chihuahua into the bar without fear.

The bartender says gently, “I’m sorry, fellow, but we do not allow any dogs in here.”

And the man says, “It’s okay, this is my Seeing Eye dog, you know.”

The bartender laughs hysterically and says, “This Chihuahua is your Seeing Eye dog? Whoa.”

And the guy says . . . “They gave me a Chihuahua???!!!”

Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

© Copyright BJ Rakow 2011, 2013 Rev. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"