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How to Train your Human to Feed You

Updated on January 17, 2015
VladimirCat profile image

Vladimir is a former champion ratter (retired). His hobbies are bushwalking, birdwatching and nature studies

Cat waiting for Dinner
Cat waiting for Dinner

With a few simple lessons, your human can feed you properly

How to feed a cat properly is one of the hardest things to teach your human. Something as simple as cat food should be easy, but so many people have no idea of what a cat should eat.

In these easy steps, I will show you how to train your human to feed you, and other cats, what's necessary for a happy, healthy cat.

All it takes is a little training.

Getting your Breakfast

After a hard night of guarding the house while chasing buttons along hallways, food is a necessity for all industrious cats.

No matter how devoted your human is, have you noticed the unjust inaccessibility of your necessary food supply? It's all packaged in outlandish containers not designed for cats to open. Can openers are horribly discriminatory against even the most nimble of paws and those pouches are resistant to the sharpest of teeth.

The fridge, repository of delicious chicken fillets and salmon slices is, literally, a closed door.

Even if your human has forgetfully left the remains of last night's pizza on the table, I don't recommend breaking your fast on old vegetable strips and/or hot salami. No, you will have to wake her up!

Remember that all humans, not just the woman-who-feeds-me, will feign sleep to avoid their morning duties.

How to Wake your Human

Get the human out of bed with these tried and tested methods.

  1. Dragging off the duvet to expose the feet. If the response isn't fast enough, lick the soles of the feet. In the most slovenly of humans you will have to resort to nipping the toes
  2. Carry a plastic bag into the bedroom and lick it. Over and over. While the noise may be slightly annoying to you, your human will find it excruciating
  3. Play with the window blinds. Build up a good rhythm of slapping the cords. If this fails, swing on them

Take a Tip from Simon's Cat

Repeated and determined use of the paw-on-face technique should force the most sleepy (or stubborn) human out of the bed.

If this fails, watch the artistry of Simon's Cat for more advanced methods.

Simon's Cat
This feline prodigy has taken the world by storm! He's known from Anatolia to Zaire as a force majeure on YouTube, and I've been following his phenomenal rise from the very start. (I might even pick up a few tips to give my own career a boost).

Getting your Food over the Day

When you finally get your human up and out of bed, don't make the mistake of relaxing. She may try to appease you with kibble!

A bowl of dried food, next to your fresh bowl of water, is perfectly acceptable when left overnight. It's certainly not acceptable for breakfast. You need something more substantial.

Sit by the fridge door and look mournful. Try a piteous meow and, if that doesn't work fast enough, build up to a quavering, high-pitched wail. You're STARVING and you need a hearty meal.

In serious cases, get the dog to help.

No Dog Food - Cats are not Dogs

A little bit of dog food won't do much harm, but it has very little nutritional value for a cat.

A little Milk from Time to Time

Should Cats Drink Milk?

Curiously enough, milk isn't at all good for cats. I've seen plenty of humans putting out bowls of the stuff but they don't really know why they're doing it.

Cows milk is for baby cows, not for anyone else, but I've seen humans drinking it too.

Let's face it, humans are strange creatures.

A little milk won't kill a cat, just like a little greasy, fatty dinner won't kill a human. But it's best to be on the safe side.

Some Kibble every now and then

Kibble is fine now and then

As a change, a bowl of dried food is fine for one or two days a week.

Make it Rawwww - and make me Roarrrr

Natural Nutrition for Cats: The Path to Purr-fect Health
Natural Nutrition for Cats: The Path to Purr-fect Health

All about a healthy diet using raw food. I'm pretty fond of the raw myself although it's not something I want every day

 

So what should I eat?

Variety is more than the Spice of Life

If I lived in the wild I wouldn't be worried about training humans to feed me. If I were a hunting cat, I wouldn't decide to eat only small southern rosellas, I would eat any small prey I could get my paws on! Tasty things like mice, grasshoppers, sparrows or rabbits.

I enjoy my modern pampered life but I want a proper variety in my diet.

Variety keeps us from becoming finicky and food-addicted, lessens the chance of dietary excess or deficiency of any single nutrient, and can prevent the development of food intolerances, allergies, and all sorts of nasty illnesses.

Remember that I'm a carnivore!

Recipes for your Cat

My Five Cat Food Recipes
It's about time people realised something basic about feeding cats. Cats are carnivores. More to the point, cats are obligate carnivores.

From the Cat's Mouth

Often I'm asked if I also trained my human to type up my notes for me. The answer is no, short and sweet, NO.

I believe this could be an achievable aim, humans can be taught all sorts of tricks. They're bright creatures and some have a high degree of intelligence. (But not all). Perhaps one or two of them could learn how to put your thoughts on the keyboard but I don't recommend it. Too hard. It only means lot of lost nap-time.

I prefer to do all my creative writing and mathematical calculating myself.

To this end, I have my own notebook. Just my size.

I hope you learned something today about training humans. It's not hard if you remain gentle but firm and always, always, consistent

© 2012 Vladimir

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    • SusannaDuffy profile image

      Susanna Duffy 3 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I can vouch for the window blind rolling and unrolling to wake me up. It wakes up the next-door neighbours as well

    • Lou165 profile image

      Lou165 4 years ago from Australia

      I had a lot of trouble convincing my cat not to eat the dog food, but I think he liked the power play over the dogs. You forgot to mention carefully knocking things off of shelves if they don't get up quick enough to serve you breakfast promptly though!

    • SheGetsCreative profile image

      Angela F 4 years ago from Seattle, WA

      Spoken like a true expert ;)

    • Susan Zutautas profile image

      Susan Zutautas 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Educational and fun to read! Meow :)

    • Michelllle profile image

      Michelllle 4 years ago

      You cat is beautiful. And funny.

    • EmmaBrown1 profile image

      EmmaBrown1 4 years ago

      Whoa, a typing cat! Or did you manage to train your human not only to feed you but also to take notes for you?

      Now seriously: this is the funniest lens I have read on Squidoo :)

    • Blonde Blythe profile image

      Blonde Blythe 4 years ago

      Lol! I just got my laugh for the day! :)

    • Stephanie36 profile image

      Stephanie 4 years ago from Canada

      This was cute. :) Some parts definitely sound like my cat.

    • Tamara14 profile image

      Tamara Kajari 4 years ago from Zagreb, Croatia, Europe

      You speak, I mean mew words of wisdom Vladi. Garfield could learn from you :)

    • Debbi Craton profile image

      Debbi Craton 4 years ago from Georgia

      My Guiness has pulled a few of these training techniques himself. I learned very quickly not to lay on my back when he wants breakfast. 16 pounds of cat concentrated on four spike legs can cause serious damage to unprotected internal organs! He was also fond of getting in my face and staring at me. If that didn't work, he'd start poking me. It was a 6 a.m. ritual almost daily before his diabetes was diagnosed. 6 o'clock is only supposed to come once a day! Fortunately now that his sugar is under control, he's more willing to let me sleep.

      Loved the lens.

    • PlumberJorge profile image

      PlumberJorge 4 years ago

      haha I really enjoyed reading this lens, very creative

    • NuttSoRuff profile image

      NuttSoRuff 4 years ago

      So funny! I enjoyed your lens!

    • Craftypicks profile image

      Lori Green 4 years ago from Las Vegas

      My cat is very good at getting me to feed him especially at 5 AM. He sits on my and hits my nose with his paw while screaming Ma Ma until I wake up. Apparently he said the words Ma Ma when he was a kitten and since he got so much positive reinforcement when making that sound he has been doing it all his life. It works.

    • Kim Milai profile image

      Kim Milai 4 years ago

      We are new cat owners (one year) and we still haven't gotten the perfect food arrangement. Yet. This is a big help.

    • lewisgirl profile image

      lewisgirl 4 years ago

      Great lens! My cat Paisley will love the new more nutritious food too.

    • VladimirCat profile image
      Author

      Vladimir 4 years ago from Australia

      @Meganhere: Spoken like a polite well-trained human. Congratulations to Mr Ming

    • Meganhere profile image

      Meganhere 4 years ago

      My Siamese, Ming, enjoyed this lens and has instructed me to like it. He'd do it himself . . . but he has me to do it for him.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Excellent, well written lens. Cleverly put together.

    • Wilfcat profile image

      Wilf Catt 4 years ago from Leicester, England

      Excellent ! - My friend Cheetah has her humans "under her paws".

    • Northerntrials profile image

      Northerntrials 4 years ago

      My cat Cola agrees with me and knows that too much wet cat food is bad for teeth. She only eats dry kibble at the vet's advice and after 13 years still has all her teeth and no fish breath.

    • tammywilliams09 profile image

      tammywilliams09 4 years ago

      I love the creativity of using the perspective of your cat for this lens. It is very important for cats to get proper nutrition and variety just like humans. Funny video too.

    • Scarlettohairy profile image

      Peggy Hazelwood 4 years ago from Desert Southwest, U.S.A.

      My cat Scarlett agrees on all points you made except she asks "Where's the treats?" She loves treats, all day, every day.

    • amosvee profile image

      amosvee 4 years ago

      Oh great, now my cats have read this and found new tricks. I thought I had blocked cat training sites from them, but they hacked it. Thanks a lot.

    • KathyMcGraw2 profile image

      Kathy McGraw 4 years ago from California

      Vladi...it's a good thing you trained her well in the beginning! Not only that, but you have your own gourmet cook :)

    • profile image

      longlakelifestyle 4 years ago

      I will make my pets read this.

    • VladimirCat profile image
      Author

      Vladimir 4 years ago from Australia

      @Virginia Allain: Excellent tips! Thank you for the inspiration

    • favored profile image

      Fay Favored 4 years ago from USA

      So funny, but I'm sure it's close to how they think. BTW, the window thing, it gets me to my feet every time. I've replaced the blinds twice!

    • Mary Stephenson profile image

      Mary Stephenson 4 years ago from California

      Loved this. I have 2 Siamese who graze all day and much prefer the dry food, although I do get them the best around. But it doesn't stop them from getting some chicken or salmon we have for dinner. Our dinner is fair game, but most of the time are not very demanding.

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 4 years ago from Central Florida

      One of my cats figured out that sitting on the bedside table and pushing one small thing after another off onto the floor was a good way to bring me out of a deep sleep. The same cat also twined its body around the bedside lamp making it rock in an alarming fashion.

    • PDX tours profile image

      PDX tours 4 years ago

      Very funny! I'm currently reading Animal Wise by Virginia Morell, in which the author mentions "the hidden demands in a domestic cat's purr-cry for food.... The combined purr-cry is such an effective call, [animal behavior scientist] McComb says, that cat owners will leap to their feet and feed the cat first--even before the dog, or before pouring themselves a cup of coffee." Maybe worth trying if you haven't already?

    • Diana Wenzel profile image

      Renaissance Woman 4 years ago from Colorado

      Vladi always gets it right. My biggest challenge right now is having a rescue dog who sneaks in and eats the cat food. Toby has learned how to tiptoe into the girls' food quarters when I'm concentrating on my writing. One thing I know: He won't have hairballs after eating their special formula!

    • WeeCatCreations1 profile image

      Susan Caplan McCarthy 4 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hilarious!

    • Aibrean82 profile image

      Aibrean82 4 years ago

      That's it, no more internet for my cat! He already has us trained too well (our opinion, not his). We can't risk him seeing this. Off to feed him now. He hasn't had any food in his bowl for three whole minutes. He must be starved!

    • Elle-Dee-Esse profile image

      Lynne Schroeder 4 years ago from Blue Mountains Australia

      Good advice Vladi and will be passed to my human friend with four fur babies to be sure they get the care and attention they need

    • VladimirCat profile image
      Author

      Vladimir 4 years ago from Australia

      @Lorelei Cohen: Only too pleased to help out. The wider the message is spread, the better it is for all cats

    • Lorelei Cohen profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 4 years ago from Canada

      Oh you really should discuss this with my daughters cat. He is having a heck of a time getting her to give him a midnight snack. I am sure he would appreciate any advice that you could pass along.

    • profile image

      cmadden 4 years ago

      Oh, my, yes, we know who's in charge - the four purrsons, that's who! The hub and I are very well trained.

    • VladimirCat profile image
      Author

      Vladimir 4 years ago from Australia

      @Monika Weise: Training can never be relaxed, it must be kept up constantly!

    • Monika Weise profile image

      Monika Weise 4 years ago from Indianapolis, IN USA

      I, unfortunately, have been trained lol.

    • profile image

      audithedestroyer 5 years ago

      Hahaha The title alone is funny!

    • MyCrazyAdventures profile image

      Melissa 5 years ago from Albuquerque, NM

      Great lens. I'll be laughing all day over this one. I have no cats but I have known plenty and they would be on this information in a second.

    • hntrssthmpsn profile image

      hntrssthmpsn 5 years ago

      I'd best not leave this page open where my cat might see it. I don't think she's realized yet how discriminatory can openers are. Love your humor... you make entertaining with cat food look easy ;)

    • theallin1writer profile image

      theallin1writer 5 years ago

      My cats are so not reading this lens ;) This was a great read, thanks! :)

    • HughSmulders LM profile image

      HughSmulders LM 5 years ago

      Cool! One of the funniest lenses I've read! Squidlike!

    • LilibeanNP profile image

      LilibeanNP 5 years ago

      This lens made me literally LOL! ;) So funny. Great read! =)

    • profile image

      mohamedm 5 years ago

      i love cats too much, great lens

    • LouJon profile image

      LouJon 5 years ago

      Fantastic lens, has to be one of my favourites so far :)

    • Craftypicks profile image

      Lori Green 5 years ago from Las Vegas

      I think my cat read this lens because he certainly knows how to open and shut my wooden blinds at just the right time that the sun goes right into my eyes.

    • profile image

      CannyGranny 5 years ago

      I hope my cat will not be reading these tips on training your human

    • profile image

      Science-Fiction-Fan 5 years ago

      What about tuna?

    • VladimirCat profile image
      Author

      Vladimir 5 years ago from Australia

      @Virginia Allain: I'll keep that one in mind

    • LisaDH profile image

      LisaDH 5 years ago

      Aha! I always wondered what my cat did while I was sleeping. Now I know she's been reading this article because she always uses technique #3 to wake me up in the morning at feeding time.

    • cdcraftee profile image

      Christine Larsen 5 years ago from South Australia

      Missy licks my eyebrows and purrs in my ear - works a treat on a daily basis.

      I should grr-rr-rr, I know - but I'm basically putty in her paws - most of the time!

      Her Majesty's obedient slave - Christine

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 5 years ago from Central Florida

      My cat had her own morning wake-up routine. Pushing things one at a time off the bedside table was sure to bring me out of bed quickly.