HAHAHA...BenjaminB, I'm sensing you are the "Mr. Wilson" from Dennis the Menace in your neighborhood. I actually laughed at this! I think the second on is worth a shot for a "how-to," but as for the other two, try turning your lights off to avoid anyone coming knocking.
& I think if you borrow a van put "free candy" on it for a few weeks...people will stop trusting theirs kids around you & you can have some peace. hahah. Im kidding.
I would love to have someone explain how to do good pumpkin carving that looks professional and intricate. I would need to know where to obtain patterns and what are the best tools to use. Further, how does one select the best pumpkin?