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1 Million ways to save money.
With the recent recession, now is the best time to save money. Or if you're getting on a bit and don't like your family, blow all your money and lose their inheritance. Maybe you should buy a Subaru, and a kilo of cocaine? Go on. Treat yourself.
For the rest of us, we need to count the pennies, sell our kidneys and go on the game to raise enough money to buy some milk. (Okay, maybe it's not that bad)
So, here are, not quite a million, ways to save money. (P.S. For the love of god don't take this list seriously. You may be harmed and/or killed.)
- Sell a kidney - People need organs, and you have 2! It's God's way of saying "Go on, have a blast!" (Warning may cause death)
- Sell your pets - Kids love animals, and sure enough some rich 2 year old will love Puddles for long enough to buy him off you, then forget about him forever in favour of a 3DS and a Cadbury's Fruit&Nut.
- Walk everywhere forever - Petrol is just too expensive, sell the car, sell your shoes and walk everywhere. It worked for Ghandi, it'll work for you. Probably.
- Eat grass - It's everywhere, and it's free. Put 2 and 2 together... (Warning may cause death)
- 2 Tins and string - This makes an excellent substitute to a mobile phone, if not very mobile.
- Card-Board boxes can be fun - You can't have fun AND afford electricity, so have fun with a box and tell the kids it's a Space-Ship/Pirate-Ship/Fort. They'll have hours of fun...And if not, oh well.
- Sock Puppet films - 'Nuff said.
- Live in boxes - You know what, screw living in a house! Keep the same box your five year old turned into a Spaceship as a small 1 bedroom apartment! There's no rent, building materials are cheap, and it can move! It's like owning a home with none of the drawbacks...Almost.
- Shower in rainwater from the gutter - It's free, and depending on where you live, you might be able to have a shower everyday! Or every few months if you're unlucky.
- At Christmas only give essentials - Like, life? "Timmy, would you prefer a brand new PS3, or the ability to live for another year? The PS3? Okay pass me my gun." (Warning may cause death)
- Eat roadkill - Tastey, nutritious and only partially decomposed! (Warning may cause death)
- Newspaper blankets - Why spend precious money on cotton blankets when old newspaper does a good enough job? Why I ask you, why?!
- Mud Make-Up - Instead of spending extra cash looking your best with traditional make-up products such as eyeliner, use mud. It's dark in colour and readily available, with only a small amount of disease. (Warning may cause death)
- Beg - Get a plastic cup, old hat, half-dead Dog, Harmonica and earn your money the stylish way!
- Pans make for excellent instruments - Want to listen to some drum and base, but sold the Hi-Fi to pay the electric bill? No matter, pans can be turned upside down and used as makeshift drums to get the party spirit flowing!
- Go on "The game" - Ahh, prostitution, the oldest career in the book...Near enough. Selling yourself for sex might just earn a little bit extra for the Hawaii fund. Although what has been seen, cannot be unseen. (Warning may cause death)
- Medical experiments - Sell your body the legal way! To medical experiments so you can test all the newest and most exciting hair removal creams and paracetamols! (Warning may cause death)
- Drink the suspitious bottle of yellow/brown-ish liquid in a Cola Bottle in the alley - It might be nice, you never know! And it's a free drink (Warning may cause death)
- Win the lottery - In 10 years time that £166 Million could buy you a nice tank of petrol! Not that you could afford car insurance beforehand.
- Start a multi-million dollar organisation - Then you'll be rich forever. Or until your company collapses under the weight of your back room drug deals.
- Sell all your worldly possessions - Okay, since when did you need an ice-machine? 4 TV's? You don't even have electric now you live in a box? And you sold Puddles, a water bowl is no longer necessary, although it could collect water for your drinks. A washing machine isn't needed either, since your begging clothes don't work as well clean, and a dishwasher for card-board plates? Please...
- Grow your own plants - Moss grows all over the place. Consider putting some on the walls of the alley in which your box is situated inside. It can be sold to other people in your position, or eaten by yourself! (Warning may cause death)
- Air-Guitar - So you come in after a week of non-stop begging. Your cup is just half-full with change, and you need to relieve the stress? Then grab your air-guitar and start jamming! (May not make sound)
- Get a spear - Catch some dinner. A pigeon would make for a lovely meal, and a rabbit may be even better. Sharpen a stick and these delicacies could all be yours! Just don't throw it at people, cops hate that stuff.
- Go back to school - You might be able to get lunch money out of unsuspecting students. (Warning may cause death if tried in Liverpool and Manchester)