How Not To Get Fired On Your First Day At Work

The first day of work is an exhilarating day. But don’t let this day be your last. Here are some tips (helpful or not).

1. Go to work! As straight forward as it is, fight the urge not to ditch your first day of work. Unless of course you’re suffering from a contagious disease. In such cases, call in sick.

2. Come on time. The truth is you are not considered late until you show up. But if you don’t show up that’s a big minus on your part.

3. Learn the names and faces of the top guys – when in doubt; treat the person you’re talking as if he’s the owner. It might just be him or her.

4. Pay attention to the company orientation – focus on the topic and not on the pretty young HR staff conducting the orientation. Now is not the time to ask her out – wait until the orientation is over. Company orientations will help you get your bearings straight to avoid making a fool of yourself.

5. Don’t send your previous employer a hate letter using the company’s letter head.

6. Don’t flirt with your boss’ wife or girlfriend – not knowing who your boss is dating or married to is not an excuse. As an addendum to tip 3 learn the girlfriend’s or wife’s name and face.

7. It’s too early to take home office supplies so don’t…just yet. Leave the stapler alone!

8. Don’t start the who’s dating who in the lunchroom on your first day. Let them do the talking and just blandly nod as if you’re not really interested. But do take mental notes.

9. Don’t ask for a raise.

10. Don’t sit in your boss’ chair.

11. Make friends with the security personnel and the custodian. You’ll never know when you’ll need their help in the future.

12. Don’t surf for or download adult material on your workstation. Using a proxy server will not cover your tracks. You may opt to use you’re a co-worker’s desktop but it will still take some time before you can do this covertly.

13. Don’t encroach on your co-workers work space. Although the office space is technically the properly of the company, many employees have marked their territories – hopefully not with urine or some other bodily fluids.

14. Don’t ogle at the ladies (or guys) which ever you prefer. You don’t want to be labeled the pervert of the year on your first day. Keep ogling to a minimum. Salivating at the sight of a gorgeous co-worker is also not a good idea.

15. Keep your hands to yourself unless when you need to shake the hands of people. But refrain from constantly touching yourself as well. It can be equally creepy and disturbing.

16. Be mindful of your language. Rude and vile language are reserved for employees 3 years and above. Just paint a mental picture of profanity and just smile instead.

17. Don’t sleep on the job. For the love of all things sparkling and shiny stay awake! Sleeping on the job is reserved for the bosses and the highly gifted people who can sleep with their eyes open. Some are even blessed with the typing reflex – the ability to type while asleep.

18. Do not complain about anything. You have not earned the right to complain. For some this takes a few months while others take years to earn the right. The question “Are you OK?” or “Is everything all right?” are rhetorical. So if your table is near the men’s comfort room, just bring a can of air freshener in the coming weeks.

19. Don’t say “This is not my job, ask someone else.” This is most especially true when you are talking to your boss.

20. Do not photocopy your butt on your first day. If you can’t fight the desire, make sure you wipe the surface afterwards. People won’t like it when your butt print shows up on their documents.

21. Practice the art of looking busy with care. Even if you’re an expert you don’t know what counter-measures are present in the new office.

22. Don’t shout “Stop looking at me!” or “Make the voices in my head go away!” You may shout “I see dead people.” But the reactions may not be as harsh as the first two.

23. Don’t set the office on fire.

24. Don't write "[Name] was here." on the toilet door and intentionally leave the toilet unflushed. Anonymity is your best friend.

25. Don’t pretend to be the new boss on your first day. Sure, it may be fun since no one knows you yet. You might even fool the actual office manager. But this will be short-lived I assure you.

Being the new guy in the office can be unsettling. You may feel like you’re in a fishbowl and everyone is tapping on the glass just to see how you’d react. Of all the applicants it’s you who passed the selection process. So do your best not to get fired on your first day.