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A New 12 Step Approach in Dealing With Difficult Coworkers or People (Chainsaw, Ax, or Machete Not Included).

Updated on August 16, 2014

I have had all that I can stands, and I cannot stands no more.

We all have had to deal with a rude or difficult coworker, and I even have written a Hub on How to Be a Jerk for those who want to join the dark side. Sure, you could read a book on how to deal with difficult people, but you would have to read a whole book about the subject (who has the time?).

Besides, one of the things the book will suggest is putting yourself in the jerk's shoes (why would you want to do that?). One should ask, would that difficult person read a book to better get a along with you, or would they waste a second of their time to put his/her self in your shoes? The answer to both of those questions is no, so read this article and handle that problem coworker in no time.

1. Talk about your chainsaw and axe collection. Explain how you want a chainsaw that can easily cut through bone and gristle, because everyone knows how troublesome having a lack of horsepower in that situation can be. Furthermore, talk about the benefits of axes with metal handles over wooden handles. Say things like you really notice the difference when chopping a door down. In addition, if they ask if you if you hunt say, “Do I hunt Animals? No."

2. Leave a copy of the Satanic Bible where they can accidentally see it. Once, you are sure that the troublesome colleague sees it, make sure to get rid of the book as soon as possible.

3. Have a voodoo doll that vaguely looks like them on your desk. The trick is to make sure the voodoo doll looks enough like the jerk that they recognize it, but not so close that your boss recognizes it. It is also a good idea to have Voodoo Lous's Office Voodoo Kit on your desk, so that you claim it is all a joke that has nothing to do with that troublesome knucklehead.

4. Develop some kind of twitch. An eye twitch is easy to fake and is an easy way to look crazy; however, do not limit your creativity to just one kind of tick.

5. Have a day-by-day calendar about revenge on your desk. There should be no company policy against having such a calendar at your desk, and besides the intimidation factor, the calendar is full of useful tips.

6. Start a rumor that you have connections to the mob. Have one of your friends start this rumor, and have him/her tell colorful stories about Uncle Louie and Guido (I apologize to any Italians who might read this article).

7. Mutter to yourself whenever you see them. Saying things like, "My precious," or "Mother, I will take care of it!” can be very terrifying. Again, you want to make sure that there are no other witnesses when you engage in this type of behavior.

8. Talk to them about you your favorite serial killer, or at least pretend that you have a favorite serial killer. The easiest thing to do would be to Google up some facts or read a Hubpage on a well-known serial killer.

9. Bring a ventriloquist dummy and clearly display it on your desk. Face it, all ventriloquist dummies are creepy, especially, if you put red lipstick on its lips. You might even want to leave the dummy in the target’s cubicle and say that you have no idea how it got there.

10. Keep issues of Fangoria and Rue Morgue on your desk. If anyone else in your office asks about it, say it belongs to your kids or significant other.

11. Take the psychopath test, make sure that the results prove your psychopath, and show that extremely rude person the results. Please note if they say they got the same result on that test, you might want to get a new job.

12. You can try leaving a variety of different books on your desk. Titles like How to Murder and Get Away With IT by Diego (it is a work of fiction) or The Book of Black Magic by Edward Waite are only a couple titles you might want to keep on your desk.

In closing, all of my suggestions are easy, effective, and non-violent ways of getting that office jerk to act like a civil,well-behaved, and terrified human being.


Comments

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    • drdspervez profile image

      drdspervez 

      5 years ago from Pakistan

      It's a nice article. Thanks for sharing your views. :)

      DR. DURRESHAHWAR PERVEZ

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      Let us hope that you never have to follow my advice.

    • pringoooals profile image

      Karina 

      6 years ago from Edinburgh

      This is absolutely fantastic! I am not sure if I would find enough courage to put it in practice but I must say it's really, really good idea!

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 

      6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      You are good. :) I have a brother who thinks like you. Congratulations! You just constructed a Paraprosdokian. "I would not want you to warn anybody, because it gives them a head start."

      Wonderful twist in the second half of the sentence. lol

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      I took no offense to your statement, and I would not want you to warn anybody because it gives them a head start.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 

      6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      I was just teasing. :) I have no concerns about your fitness for any position. And you are right, from a patient's perspective, it s very hard to relate to someone whose life has been all smooth sailing.

      There seems to be such a need for people to work in suicide prevention and with depression. (I hear occasional stories from a sister-in-law who finished her Master's in counseling last year.

      She works for the in-patient county hospital mental health ward and sees so many hurting kids and teenagers. I am sure that you have a great deal to offer; I would think a robust sense of humor would actually come in handy (handy sounds stupid now that I have written it, but I think you know what I mean - hope so.)

      Hope your weekend is going well.

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      Phdast7- Psychology has a rich history of strange people and even stranger treatments (I will fit right in). Also, I would rather be helped by someone who has actually gone to hell and came back. Rather than by someone who only has a road map (but my focus is in suicide prevention and depression).

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      Mr. Happy-Showing a little bit of a canine with a twitch would be super effective (I will start working on it).

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      Angela Brummer, thank you for your kind words.

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      Millonaire Tips- I truly understand what you are saying. If you do not keep your shills honed, they lose their sharpness. In closing, I thank you for reading my Hub.

    • Millionaire Tips profile image

      Shasta Matova 

      6 years ago from USA

      Oh my! I wish I had learned about these strategies earlier. I think I will have to practice them anyway, purely as a preventative measure, you understand.

    • Angela Brummer profile image

      Angela Brummer 

      6 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

      This is soooooooo funny! I wish I had know I was in for such a treat!

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 

      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      I'm just trailing Mrs. Theresa here - she shared the Hub. I must admit 'twas pretty funny.

      I like the twitch idea best, I think I could do a pretty good twitch ... maybe even lift the upper left part of the lip a little, showing a canine ... That could totally work lol Thank You for the fabulous idea!

      Cheers. : )

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 

      6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      I loved this, absolutely loved it! Fortunately, my teaching colleagues and I have separate doors and by closing our doors most of the way, we can more or less tolerate the difficult and the crazy.

      Aren't you working on a doctorate in psychology? Should we all be concerned? Is there anybody we should warn? :) Sharing.

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