Top Google Search with Humor: How To Tie A Tie And Other Nonsense
I have spent the better part of the last month writing articles for this site and stumbling and bumbling my way around HubPages trying to get a feel for the place. I have watched videos and read suggestions. I have joined forums and asked questions and commented until I’m blue in the face and in the process I have met some fantastic people who have been kind and generous and extremely helpful.
So I thought it was about time I give back to the community and pass along a wonderful tip I just read about in the Learning Center. I was quickly scanning the list of contents and I came upon the section entitled “The Secret To Finding High Traffic Topics.” I was so excited that I was doing the Happy Dance right here in my studio. Finally THE SECRET was going to be revealed so that I would be on my way to fame and fortune.
I quickly clicked on the link and began to scan the article; naturally the first thing my eye caught was the subheading “Topics To Avoid” and wouldn’t you know it, one of the topics to avoid is personal journals and stories. Well damn! I don’t know how many hubs I have written but I’m willing to bet that 90% of them are personal stories. No wonder I have languished in relative obscurity for the past month. Now we are getting somewhere! Note to self: no more of those stupid alcoholic and adoption stories. Now we are going for the Big Time; we are shooting for the moon, baby, and nothing can hold this guy back.
Having found out where I had gone wrong I wanted to know where to go right, so I found the subheading that said “Topics To Try.” Very helpful section by the way, filled with wonderful suggestions guaranteed to make us hubbers rich overnight. One of the suggestions was to do a Google search and find out what topics are hot right now; another suggestion is that “how to” articles are big on the internet. So, being an overachiever by nature, I combined the two and decided to do a Google search for “how to” subjects and the results of my search are the collective subject of this hub. I have no doubt you will find it as fascinating and enlightening as I did.
THE TOP SIX HOW TO SEARCHES
Again, in keeping with my overachiever personality, I not only did a Google search but I also did a Yahoo search, and to my surprise the results were similar. Combine the two searches and the following made up the top six how to searches.
1) HOW TO TIE A TIE….Seriously folks? This means there are literally hundreds of thousands of people out there at this very moment wondering how to tie a tie. This was the number one search on both Google and Yahoo. I’m giving up writing right now and I’m going to go around the country holding clinics on tie tying; five bucks a head and I should make my first million bucks in a month. I had no idea that I held the key to instant riches. Thank you Google! Thank you Yahoo! Thank you to all you nimrods who have no idea what a Windsor is! Worry no more because Billybuc is coming to your rescue!
2) HOW TO MAKE CHLOROFORM….This one bothers me on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. If you read the chloroform sites they are quick to point out that chloroform is dangerous and then they are equally quick to tell you that chloroform is a solvent. The next thing they should point out is that they think I’m an idiot because my skeptical nature tells me that there are, again, hundreds of thousands of deviants out there who want to use chloroform for less-than-ethical reasons. Maybe I could combine my clinics so that I show you how to tie a tie and then I put you to sleep with chloroform and steal all of your money.
3) HOW TO GET MARRIED ON SKYRIM….Again, I am bothered! Since I am a bit clueless about life in general I had to do a quick search on Skyrim; that search netted me the information that Skyrim is a role-playing video game featuring a dragon god named Alduin. I’m not sure who these searchers want to marry but if it is Alduin then I once again have serious concerns. Are there really that many people out there who play this game and have nothing better to do with their time than marry a mythical creature online? I have lived too long if that is the case.
4) HOW TO HARD BOIL EGGS….Please! Please! I am dumbstruck by this one; there are actually people right now in this wonderful world of ours who have no idea how to boil an egg. It really makes this old teacher proud of our education system to know this. No, I’m not going to blame the education system but I am going after the parents in this world who have not introduced their children to the stove and a pot of boiling water. Wait! Maybe it is the parents who don’t know this in which case I am more worried than I was ten seconds ago. These people vote! These people are part of our decision-making process! May God help us all!
5) HOW TO LOVE LYRICS….This one had me stumped for awhile. I mean come on, you either love a lyric or you don’t. What’s the problem and where are people getting confused? Then it came to me: maybe “How To Love” is a song! Well, in fact, it is, a song by Lil’ Wayne, whoever he is, and it is quite popular, and thus the mystery has been solved. I don’t feel so bad now that I have figured that out. I wonder if Lil’ Wayne knows how to make chloroform?
6) HOW TO BE….Read it again and see if your reaction is the same as mine. People evidently want to know how to exist. Am I missing something? Is there a problem here that is missing from my thought process? Let me see if I can help all of you out there with this one: you breathe in….you breathe out. Then you do it all over again! Keep doing it until you can’t do it any longer in which case you will never Google another stupid question like this one. In fact, if you make up a batch of chloroform and breathe deeply then you will really need an answer to this question.
REFLECTIONS FROM A CONFUSED GOOGLE SEARCHER
Maybe I am just getting too old. Maybe I was dropped on my head as an infant. Maybe I should have backed off on the experimentation during the Sixties. Maybe I……WAIT!!!!!! Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe if we combined all of those searches it would make more sense. Maybe what people really want to know is….”How to hard boil eggs while tying a tie and listening to “How To Love” and Playing Skyrim While Figuring Out How To Be, All Done Under The Influence of Chloroform.” Yes, I’ll bet that’s it. Nothing odd about that at all now that I see it from that perspective.
THE LIGHT BULB GOES OFF ABOVE MY HEAD
I want to thank HubPages for the suggestions, all of them extremely helpful as I continue to grow as a writer. I will take them all under consideration but for now I think I’ll just stick with what I do best: Write personal hubs that don’t have a chance of making me money but instead make me feel good.
Perhaps, though, there is still a chance of making some money by maybe taking a different approach to my writing. I could combine the two ideas and write personal hubs that answer a ‘how to’ question. My first one is destined to be an instant success. I will call it “How To Be An Alcoholic!” I can do a tutorial on how to drink to excess and ruin your life. Yes, fame will be mine! I am so excited I think I’ll start on it now. Stay tuned and in the meantime, keep up the good work on those Google searches