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Top Google Search with Humor: How To Tie A Tie And Other Nonsense

Updated on November 26, 2012
The author asking his dog for a good article idea.
The author asking his dog for a good article idea.
A permanent state of cluelessness
A permanent state of cluelessness
Yes, they really do teach how to make it on the internet....in case you need a solvent of course.
Yes, they really do teach how to make it on the internet....in case you need a solvent of course.

I have spent the better part of the last month writing articles for this site and stumbling and bumbling my way around HubPages trying to get a feel for the place. I have watched videos and read suggestions. I have joined forums and asked questions and commented until I’m blue in the face and in the process I have met some fantastic people who have been kind and generous and extremely helpful.

So I thought it was about time I give back to the community and pass along a wonderful tip I just read about in the Learning Center. I was quickly scanning the list of contents and I came upon the section entitled “The Secret To Finding High Traffic Topics.” I was so excited that I was doing the Happy Dance right here in my studio. Finally THE SECRET was going to be revealed so that I would be on my way to fame and fortune.

I quickly clicked on the link and began to scan the article; naturally the first thing my eye caught was the subheading “Topics To Avoid” and wouldn’t you know it, one of the topics to avoid is personal journals and stories. Well damn! I don’t know how many hubs I have written but I’m willing to bet that 90% of them are personal stories. No wonder I have languished in relative obscurity for the past month. Now we are getting somewhere! Note to self: no more of those stupid alcoholic and adoption stories. Now we are going for the Big Time; we are shooting for the moon, baby, and nothing can hold this guy back.

Having found out where I had gone wrong I wanted to know where to go right, so I found the subheading that said “Topics To Try.” Very helpful section by the way, filled with wonderful suggestions guaranteed to make us hubbers rich overnight. One of the suggestions was to do a Google search and find out what topics are hot right now; another suggestion is that “how to” articles are big on the internet. So, being an overachiever by nature, I combined the two and decided to do a Google search for “how to” subjects and the results of my search are the collective subject of this hub. I have no doubt you will find it as fascinating and enlightening as I did.

THE TOP SIX HOW TO SEARCHES

Again, in keeping with my overachiever personality, I not only did a Google search but I also did a Yahoo search, and to my surprise the results were similar. Combine the two searches and the following made up the top six how to searches.

1) HOW TO TIE A TIE….Seriously folks? This means there are literally hundreds of thousands of people out there at this very moment wondering how to tie a tie. This was the number one search on both Google and Yahoo. I’m giving up writing right now and I’m going to go around the country holding clinics on tie tying; five bucks a head and I should make my first million bucks in a month. I had no idea that I held the key to instant riches. Thank you Google! Thank you Yahoo! Thank you to all you nimrods who have no idea what a Windsor is! Worry no more because Billybuc is coming to your rescue!

http://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?p=how+to+tie+a+tie

2) HOW TO MAKE CHLOROFORM….This one bothers me on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. If you read the chloroform sites they are quick to point out that chloroform is dangerous and then they are equally quick to tell you that chloroform is a solvent. The next thing they should point out is that they think I’m an idiot because my skeptical nature tells me that there are, again, hundreds of thousands of deviants out there who want to use chloroform for less-than-ethical reasons. Maybe I could combine my clinics so that I show you how to tie a tie and then I put you to sleep with chloroform and steal all of your money.

http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play?p=how%20to%20make%20chloroform&tnr=21&vid=1504012469162&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts3.mm.bing.net%2Fvideos%2Fthumbnail.aspx%3Fq%3D1504012469162%26id%3D6ef1adbdb0e7904f49a8d2882db52629%26bid%3DmZH0uZCaSUmx3A%26bn%3DThumb%26url%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.youtube.com%252fwatch%253fv%253dsS-Rc5el3GA&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DsS-Rc5el3GA&sigr=11afsrn6f&newfp=1&tit=Senior+Project%3A+Making+Chloroform

3) HOW TO GET MARRIED ON SKYRIM….Again, I am bothered! Since I am a bit clueless about life in general I had to do a quick search on Skyrim; that search netted me the information that Skyrim is a role-playing video game featuring a dragon god named Alduin. I’m not sure who these searchers want to marry but if it is Alduin then I once again have serious concerns. Are there really that many people out there who play this game and have nothing better to do with their time than marry a mythical creature online? I have lived too long if that is the case.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nyj4NPoI7o

4) HOW TO HARD BOIL EGGS….Please! Please! I am dumbstruck by this one; there are actually people right now in this wonderful world of ours who have no idea how to boil an egg. It really makes this old teacher proud of our education system to know this. No, I’m not going to blame the education system but I am going after the parents in this world who have not introduced their children to the stove and a pot of boiling water. Wait! Maybe it is the parents who don’t know this in which case I am more worried than I was ten seconds ago. These people vote! These people are part of our decision-making process! May God help us all!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNmiEZcyGoM&feature=fvst

5) HOW TO LOVE LYRICS….This one had me stumped for awhile. I mean come on, you either love a lyric or you don’t. What’s the problem and where are people getting confused? Then it came to me: maybe “How To Love” is a song! Well, in fact, it is, a song by Lil’ Wayne, whoever he is, and it is quite popular, and thus the mystery has been solved. I don’t feel so bad now that I have figured that out. I wonder if Lil’ Wayne knows how to make chloroform?

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/lil_wayne/how_to_love.html

6) HOW TO BE….Read it again and see if your reaction is the same as mine. People evidently want to know how to exist. Am I missing something? Is there a problem here that is missing from my thought process? Let me see if I can help all of you out there with this one: you breathe in….you breathe out. Then you do it all over again! Keep doing it until you can’t do it any longer in which case you will never Google another stupid question like this one. In fact, if you make up a batch of chloroform and breathe deeply then you will really need an answer to this question.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQBPAmnAlOk

REFLECTIONS FROM A CONFUSED GOOGLE SEARCHER

Maybe I am just getting too old. Maybe I was dropped on my head as an infant. Maybe I should have backed off on the experimentation during the Sixties. Maybe I……WAIT!!!!!! Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe if we combined all of those searches it would make more sense. Maybe what people really want to know is….”How to hard boil eggs while tying a tie and listening to “How To Love” and Playing Skyrim While Figuring Out How To Be, All Done Under The Influence of Chloroform.” Yes, I’ll bet that’s it. Nothing odd about that at all now that I see it from that perspective.

THE LIGHT BULB GOES OFF ABOVE MY HEAD

I want to thank HubPages for the suggestions, all of them extremely helpful as I continue to grow as a writer. I will take them all under consideration but for now I think I’ll just stick with what I do best: Write personal hubs that don’t have a chance of making me money but instead make me feel good.

Perhaps, though, there is still a chance of making some money by maybe taking a different approach to my writing. I could combine the two ideas and write personal hubs that answer a ‘how to’ question. My first one is destined to be an instant success. I will call it “How To Be An Alcoholic!” I can do a tutorial on how to drink to excess and ruin your life. Yes, fame will be mine! I am so excited I think I’ll start on it now. Stay tuned and in the meantime, keep up the good work on those Google searches

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Alcoholism-What-A-Sneaky-Bastard-It-Is

Which of the following do you not know how to do?

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    • Connie Smith profile image

      Connie Smith 5 years ago from Tampa Bay, Florida

      Ok billy boy. I voted all of the above, but I really do know how to boil an egg and I know how to "be" because I had a wonderful grandmother who made sure of it. Interesting, informative and a bit funny, so I liked it. I've never written hubs for the money, which is a good thing because I've never made any. One of these days, I plan to try it.

    • profile image

      Sue Beaver 5 years ago

      What a great read! Just for the record, I do know how to boil an egg. My Mama was old school & taught me well :-)

      Well, it's off to the kitchen for me... I'm mixing up batch of Chloroform!

      Cheers!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Connie, thank you for stopping by; I had to do a silly hub or I would burst from all the seriousness. I appreciate your commenting.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sue, how nice of you to read the hub and comment. Best of luck with your cooking endeavors.

    • theclevercat profile image

      Rachel Vega 5 years ago from Massachusetts

      "How to Love Lyrics." *snort* Very funny and engaging hub. Voting up! Thanks for making me smile.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

      Billy - you had me cracking up at the title of this hub and I just couldn't stop giggling from there. This is hilarious! Who knew that that many people don't know how to boil an egg? I've got it! TV has turned their brains t mush. That's the only thing I can figure. :D Anyhow, I voted up, across and I'm SHARING.

    • michiganman567 profile image

      michiganman567 5 years ago from Michigan

      I would avoid the chloroform topics, and anything to do with explosives, etc. The FBI would probably be one of your first readers and might just pay you a little visit.

      I think that we take for granted how little people know. Clicks from 15 year olds count just as much as clicks from 45 year olds. Maybe I will write a stupid article and see how well it does... just as an experiment. I know that some of my best articles that are well researched and informative do not get hits.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      clevercat, you are very welcome. Glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the following.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      cclitgirl...Glad you liked it; I had a whole bunch of fun writing it for sure. I figured if nothing else I was amusing myself and that's worth something, right? Thank you for stopping by and for your support.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      michigan....one of the most visited hubs I have written was about the five worst national parks...it was just fluff from beginning to end. Who can figure what keeps the hub gods happy? Thank you for the visit and comment.

    • Express10 profile image

      H C Palting 5 years ago from East Coast

      Hilarious! I could not imagine any ethical reason to want to make chloroform and also can't believe there are people who don't know how to boil an egg. I do, however know a nearly 40 year old man who doesn't know how to tie a tie, nor does he want to. Awesome hub.

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      Thank you for a very funny (and clever) hub. I don't usually laugh when I read a hub, but I did when I read this one!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well Express, I know how to tie one and I could care less if I ever do it again. Thanks for taking the time to read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      AliciaC, thank you very much. I had a blast writing it so I'm glad someone else could laugh along with me. Actually last night when I did the search I was in shock...then it became funny! Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

    • profile image

      Kathleen Kerswig 5 years ago

      I loved this hub! Thank you for checking things out and saving me some time in the process. I don't know if I'm going to make much money from this site but I know that I'm realizing just how much happiness I'm getting from writing anything at all. I like your idea of continuing to write about the things you want to write about. Good job!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kathleen, I agree completely. Doing hubs falls under the category of "don't quit your day job." I do enjoy it but I have no expectations. Thank you for dropping by and commenting.

    • Cliff Mendrez profile image

      Cliff Mendrez 5 years ago from Philippines

      I've written a lot of how to hubs and I should say they are extremely boring to write. I'm glad I've stumbled upon this hub. Had a good laugh.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well I'm glad you did too, Cliff. Thanks for dropping by and best of luck to you with your writing. I'll have to check out some of your hubs tonight.

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 5 years ago from SW England

      Voted up and funny. I loved this and it had me chuckling. Very well written and structured and I like your sense of humour. I totally agree with you though - just write what you're comfortable with and about things you know. Much more fun and rewarding. Keep it up billybuc - your hubs are all great.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

      Oh, this reminds me: check out the latest from homesteadbound: she wrote a hub about making grilled cheese (yes, grilled cheese) and it went viral. Someone posted it on reddit and she got 2200 page views in a day. Don't underestimate those, uh, I guess "stupid" hubs. hahaha Not that anyone here writes anything stupid, but it just seems crazy to have to write about "how to hard boil an egg". Wow.

    • mljdgulley354 profile image

      mljdgulley354 5 years ago

      There are hubs on here on how to boil an egg. When I read them I was amazed that someone didn't know how to do this but the hubs were well received. A little extra money is always welcome but having fun doing what you like without costing much but time is more rewarding. I write personal stories and some days I even make a few pennies from them. I didn't join hubpages for the money though so am constantly enjoying the experience of writing and reading. Hubpages has actually saved me money because I don't have to buy books. Loved the humor in this hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Awwww...thank you annart; I happen to like your hubs greatly too. I will toss in some funny fluff once in awhile just to keep my sanity, but I am much more comfortable writing about life and what has happened..there are lessons there that everyone can appreciate and learn from. Thank you as always for following along with me.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Not only write about it, cclitgirl, but there are videos which had me cracking up! I think I added one on my hub. Anyway, I keep hearing about things going viral but if it ever happened to me I would probably need hospitalization. Thanks again for the comment.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      mljdgulley, thank you; I had to have a little fun for my own sanity. I love writing about my own experiences but after so many it gets a bit heavy. Thank you for reading and commenting and I'm glad you enjoyed my attempt at humor.

    • Eric Newland profile image

      Eric Newland 5 years ago from Dayton, Ohio

      Very funny hub, and I love the possibilities it sparks. How about a hub about making chloroform with the insistence that you test it on yourself first? Maybe even throw in a couple of extra ingredients to make it extra "potent." That could be considered a public service. Police will be mystified by the upsurge in inhalant deaths correlating with a decrease in kidnappings.

    • EclecticFusion profile image

      Lisa 5 years ago from Tennessee

      Voted funny and up! Way up! Oh, and awesome!

      I loved this, but please don't write that article on how to be an alcoholic! They'll figure it out on their own! Oh, and I can hardly wait to read ”How to hard boil eggs while tying a tie and listening to “How To Love” and Playing Skyrim While Figuring Out How To Be, All Done Under The Influence of Chloroform.”

      Sounds like a winner!

      I know I'd like to make money here, but I don't see me writing about things I don't even know about! I'm hoping my "how-to" hubs will keep me floating above water, but I do tend to specialize in poems and the personal stuff. Ugh! I'll never make it to $50!

      My next hub: How to wake up in the morning.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eric, I love your suggestions; amazingly it is still in the top five searches. Must be a big need for solvents out there in the world. Thank you so much for visiting.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eclectic, I respect you and your work greatly so thank you for reading mine; I did, however, write the alcoholic hub and it will be posted shortly. Nothing humurous and I think you will approve of it. Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed the hub. I had fun writing it.

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 5 years ago from Great Britain

      Best laugh I´ve had in ages. Your sense of humour just creases me up. I have to ´follow´you (sorry this sounds like ´stalking´)

      Well done on a superb hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I appreciate those words and glad you got a laugh or two; I'll be glad to have you stalk...er follow me.

    • pjpitts profile image

      pjpitts 5 years ago from United States

      had a big laugh reading this hub!! You might be on to something there about writing the "how to" articles. Enjoyed this alot!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      pjpitts, I appreciate it. I had loads of fun writing it.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      So wait... how do I get married on Skyrim? Oh well. There is a Game Stop at the mall. I am sure someone in there will know how. Oh, maybe I can even find my future virtual husband while I am there. Actually, that might be too weird considering I'd be meeting him in person. Hmmmm.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Food for thought indeed! lol I am shocked by the things people are searching for, Jeannie, but they are great fodder for hubs. Thanks for visiting and as always making me laugh.

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

      It was a very interesting read and original hub Bill! I agree with you on the CHLOROFORM...just dumb! Voted up!

    • Faceless39 profile image

      Faceless39 5 years ago from The North Woods, USA

      Billybuc, another tremendous hub. I don't think you need to tweak your style at all--I love it!!

      Voted up, awesome, funny, and interesting. Can't wait for more.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Audra, thank you! If nothing else I hope to always remain original. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Faceless, very kind of you. I appreciate your words and hope to always live up to them. Thank you very much!

    • Shaddie profile image

      Shaddie 5 years ago from Washington state

      Entertaining hub!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shaddie, the entertainment was in the online search. :) I just relayed what I found in my own style. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

    • kayha profile image

      kayha 5 years ago

      'How to be' just tops them all. Thanks for the laugh!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kayha, I agree; the chloroform bothered me greatly but the how to be had me laughing quite hard. Thank you for visiting and commenting

    • Sherry Hewins profile image

      Sherry Hewins 4 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

      LOL, I have actually googled "How to tie a tie." My husband is a jeans an T-shirt guy, and he had occasion to wear a suit. Thanks for an interesting hub.

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 4 years ago from Minnesota

      Oh my lovely and funny friend-you made my day with this funny hub. I could not believe some of those strange searches. I will keep doing my personal hubs as well and continue to write from my heart. Making a couple bucks is just icing for me. I write to fill my soul and follow my passion. I love your great sense of humor Billy. Keep doing what your doing because we all love you here at HubPages. BTW: your hubs on your alcohol struggles in the past, are how to's on how to live without it after you've lived with it. You've been on the right track all along and don't need a google search to teach you how to write. I'm one of your biggest fans :-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sherry, evidently you aren't the only one to google about ties. LOL...thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Minnetonka, thank you my dear and I hope you are well....I haven't seen much from you lately....I have not bet getting notifications on all the people I follow...I need to go check out your site. I appreciate your kind words; if I make a difference then my writing has a purpose and that makes me happy.

    • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

      Glimmer Twin Fan 4 years ago

      Thanks to sunshine625 for sharing this. Hilarious and I'm really going to have to go back and read even more of your older hubs. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go teach my 9 year old how to boil an egg AFTER I get the tutorial (just kidding).

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glimmer, I have to write another one of these; I get the biggest kick out of being silly and letting my sarcasm run loose. Thank you my friend; you are appreciated.

    • rahul0324 profile image

      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      I love your google series... It makes me realize each day that I am more sensible than some of the folks out there..

      Hehehe... great hub

    • coffeegginmyrice profile image

      Marites Mabugat-Simbajon 4 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      Oh billybuc, sir, tears in my eyes came back...that is laughing out SO loud at home alone, I mean, with my dog (but who is minding his own business). Imagine that, I look and sound crazy. I really enjoyed this hub having to scream out laughter out from my chest, not just once but all to the 6th Search down to your last words. I am proud to share this hub and spread some contagious laughter to my friends and their friends and their friends friends...

      You know, one can make an egg hard just by sitting on it for hours.

      I hope I will not miss the next one that is coming. Funny and awesome!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rahul, in all honesty, I always feel better about myself after I do one of these google hubs. Thank goodness we aren't as confused as some of these people. Thank you my talented friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Coffee, I'm laughing at the description of you laughing! :) That is a wonderful gift, is it not? I love that we can all make each other feel good and we encourage each other. Thank you!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Wow, HP really has it going on, huh? First they change our profile page which inadvertantly drops followers, then they deem our hubs with low traffic as "idle" (but that won't affect Google searches, right??), then they make you sign in AFTER you've written a lengthy comment (now it's lost!) and now they are offering advice on making money as the landing spot for idiots and criminals?!

      Hmmmm. I'll stick with communicating with my beloved hubbers, sharing my personal posts and go outside HP to make money. The HP police should make us all board of directors and let us make the rules!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, they say that change is a good thing, but I think there are times you can have too much of a good thing if you know what I mean.

      Thank you for hanging in there and commenting a second time; you are a great friend.

      LOL

      bill

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Another "fix"? If this is my second comment, where's the first?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...damned if I know!

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 4 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Nice read billybuc. I bet you all those questions were raised by teens and college or university students. Why? They are the most tech savvy with handheld device all 24/7. Ditto for those discussions and the participants. Plus, most of them prefer to communicate by text or computer instead of actually talking and so whenever a question arise, they'd hit the keyboard. Obviously, they'd rather ask the computer than talk to their folks to ask, "how to hard boil egg?" :)

      Also, I doubt if Lil'Wayne would bother how to make those choloroform. He's been in jail for drugs. He certainly knows already how to become high. He's a rapper and and maybe he could help you with some words on "How to become alcoholic". If you need some help. Another, Lol! (:

      And I agree with you on this: "Write personal hubs that don’t have a chance of making me money but instead make me feel good." -I do write personal ones too and I think it's cool. Then, I try to balance it with some of my "how to" but that feel good satisfaction really only comes from true expression of what was written from the heart, which I'm sure other writers and readers would appreciate.

      At any rate, this is an awesome hub and I can't let it pass just like that. So, voting up and funny.

      Live, Laugh, Love!

      P.S. I think HP is trying to compete with Google by discouraging people to write on some personal stuff. So, when people outside HP hit the keyboard and throw a silly question, search engine will take them to HubPages site for the answer instead of Google or other links like wikipedia and the likes. Just a thought. ~

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cris, nice to see you again! I'm amazed by the number of kids who think that if it is on the internet then it is true fact. Oh my goodness!

      As for personal hubs, I'm just going to keep doing them. I do about two a week now, and they feed my soul, and then I try to make money the rest of the time. Hopefully I can change those percentages in the next year or so.

      Live laugh, love! I love that salute!

      Thank you my dear; I have not figured out exactly what HP is trying to do; I try to stay out of their radar as much as possible. :)

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