The Ultimate Stan Fletcher Contest Entry

While it is easy to create a list of the world's greatest philosophers, it's hard to pick the one greatest philosopher of all. Could it be Stan Fletcher?

I think it's easy to say that Stan Fletcher is greater than both Plato and Aristotle as Stan's works are entirely original while Plato and Aristotle only avoided being labeled plagiarists because Socrates had a major case of writer's block. It's hard to imagine Stan Fletcher ever being afflicted with writer's block. With that in mind, Stan Fletcher easily beats out the ancient Greeks.

There are a lot of St.'s on our philosopher's list. Most of them tried to combine Greek philosophy with Christianity, a very questionable goal to begin with and largely overdone. Stan Fletcher on the other hand has managed to combine Hairy Manboobs with crime fighting and explored in detail the importance of farts through history.

Stan vs. Machiavelli? If you even have to ask then you have not read the dead kitten hubs.

Stan vs. Locke & Hume: Stan takes the exploration of the human mind to a more practical level with his in-depth look at depression and how one can choose to be depressed or not.

I could go on, but then I would never get this hub finished. Stan Fletcher is obviously in the running for the world's greatest philosopher. He has my vote, does he have yours? (Don't forget to take the poll!)

All this talk about philosophy has got me thinking... what if I were a cantalope?

Life would be so much easier. I could lie around in the sun all day letting other people feed and water me and pluck any nasty weeds that sprout up away from my space. The top 5 reasons to become a cantalope:

1. Telemarketers don't call cantalopes.
2. The popularity factor, who doesn't like cantalopes?
3. Cantalopes rarely get stuck in traffic, and they never have to drive in it.
4. The sun factor, who wouldn't rather spend their day lying around in the sun?
5. Cantalopes can really help people, esspecially people on diets.

Speaking of diets, the canalope diet is so much healthier than the cat food diet...

Sure you can lose weight on the cat food diet.  That's the main advantage.  But cats are so hard to cook right. When you eat nothing but cats it's easy to become bored.

For some people this works well, as boredom leads to a loss of appetite.  For others the gamy taste is what knocks out the appetite.

The main principle behind the cat food diet is that one loses his or her appetite quickly and then eats less. By eating less you are able to lose weight.

A compliment to the cat diet is the cat exercise program.  This program focuses on catching the cats you will be eating.  Wild alley cats usually result in the fastest weight loss.

I really can't recommend the cat food diet though.  If everyone was on the cat food diet then where would we get kittens for our ...

Africa: Big game hunters can use dead kittens to disguise their human smells when stalking their prey. To use a dead kitten, simply rub the rotting carcass on the smellier areas of your body. Repeat as needed throughout the day.  Dead kittens can also be useful for placing around the perimeter of a kill to distract other predators and scavengers until you and your trophy are safely back in your vehicle.

Asia: Dead kitten arrangements. With more foreigners visiting Asian countries, traditional dishes that were once eaten out of necessity have become gourmet dishes to be served with artful presentation. Dead kitten arranging lessons can be added to your tour by your travel agent, but class sizes are limited, so don't wait to request your seat in class.

Australia: While on a walkabout, dead kittens can provide needed nourishment. Simply smoke and dry the entire kitten and they should be good food for weeks.

Europe: Soccer is a popular sport in Europe. Dead kittens can be used in many ways. One of our favorites is throwing dead kittens at the opposing team. It can be very unnerving and may prevent them from scoring.

North America: Is that Fluffy? With the busy pace of motorists on US highways identifying road kill has become an increasingly popular sport. Extra points are earned if the identification takes place without slowing the vehicle.

South America: Dead kittens can provide natural trail markings for both mountain climbers and jungle explorers. The trick is to arrange the dead kitten in a way that so that only your own team will recognize the significance of the positioning.

Antarctica: Dead kittens can be used to assist in herding penguins. Penguins, like any other bird, are terrified of cats. Dead kittens placed at strategic locations can help keep those pesky penguins in line, out of your garden, and into just about any area you desire.

While dead kittens can be fun and even useful at times, goat are a necessity. Absolutely everyone should own a goat, and I'm going to tell you why.

1. Goats are great yard managers. They eat anything. Not only will they keep your grass trimmed, but they will get rif of those obnoxious weeds as well. It's the best way to keep the president of your home owner's association out of your yard!
2. Goats give milk. Milk is good for you. It's good for your kids. Goats milk is even better for infants than cows milk. With your very own goat you will never have to worry about the price of a gallon of milk again.
3. Butter from goats milk can save you even more on your dairy bill.
4. And cheese.
5. Plus it's a nice pet for your children.
6. At least until you start craving meat...

But most importantly, goats are the only solution when...

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, that is if you are suffering from demon-possessed chickens in your basement, but goats are the only solution.

As familiar barnyard animals, they will not harm the chickens in any way.  However, as they have been used in several cultures as religiuos sacrifices they scare the demons right out of your chickens and your basement. 

It would be wise to keep a few goats handy jsut in case, preferrably housed in the basement where they won't distrub house guests.

It's happened to everyone.  It's only too bad we can't keep all of our dirty little secrets in the basement with the goats and chickens.

The mysterious floating poop.

You know you flushed it, but it just keeps coming back to haunt you.

For many natural remedies gurus, floating poop is actually a sign of good bowel health.  This is a handy piece of trivia to keep on hand in case your mother-in-law is the one to discover the evidence of your excellent bowel health.

More traditional MD's blame the floating poop on a high fat diet... claiming that since "fat floats" there must be too much fat passing through your system. 

Whether it's fat or fiber that causes the mysterious floating poop, be sure to tell any visitors that it's really a sign of good health. You might even consider asking them about the color and consistency, not to mention the floatability of their poop.

As long as we are talking about poop, I guess I might as well bring this up here. 

Someone farted... you can't hide that fact no matter how hard you try.

Now if you have been to the toilet lately to view the mysterious floating poop you might try to blame it on the owner of said poop.  However, healthy poop does not stink and that might out you as the owner of the recent fart.

If all else fails, blame it on your spouse.  Blame is best placed while throwing things, so you might want to know...

Kitchens are great places to find handy projectiles to throw at your spouse. Just about any object you can put your hands on can be used to make your point or get your spouses attention.

Check out these handy ideas from Amazon.com. A set of cooking utensils can be stored attractively until just the right moment to grab and pitch at your spouse. When arguing, do try to be the first into the kitchen and be the first to claim the corner with the best utensils.

This cute little mixer has dual purposes. It's got a nice expose blade for throwing, and is particularly effective if plugged in and truned on. It has interesting applications for making up later as well.

Of course, we can't foget our favorite knife set. If you have a particularly annoying spouse then this handy set of knives will give you plenty of ammunition.

If you are the annoying spouse, on the other hand, we recommend something a little softer, such as this lovely plush "I Love You" pillow.

But don't despair, even if you have no sharp (or soft) objects handy, you can still resort to projectile vomiting to get your spouse's attention.

Right in the middle of an aurgument with your significant other, does it get any better than that?

Absolutely!

Barfing on command works well in several situations.

• When trying to explain to your boss that you are sick and need to take the rest of the day off.
• When that mean old cop wakes you up at 2am and tells you that you aren't allowed to park your truck at the mall. (Just lean out the window over his head and let go...)
• As soon as the nurse in the emergency room hands you that stack of papers to fill out.
• (Mainly for children) When your parents tell you you absolutely MUST eat everything on your plate... or else.

With all this barfing going on, it would be really nice to have a shell to hide in. Plus the clean up would be much easier.

Seriously though, if I were a turtle then I could take my time... with pretty much everything. People just wouldn't expect so much out of me, or so quickly.

The whole world is too fast you know?

Maybe I already am a turtle...

Having a shell to hide in definately comes in handy at famly reunions.  I remember on Thanksgiving when my Uncle Joe came to dinner dressed as my Aunt Josephine...

I was only a little kid and I really didn't know that my Aunt and Uncle were actually the same person. I think my parents were trying to protect me from the truth.

Sadly, it failed, just like their attempts to convince me there is no Santa Claus. (True, the other kids teased me for my faith, but I held firm.)

Anyway, back to my story, Aunt Josephine came to Thanksgiving dinner that year and brought stuffing. This really anoyed my mother because she was the one who always got told how good her stuffing was. And she had a whole bowlful mixed and ready to put in the turkey when Aunt Josephine arrived.

An argument ensued that puts my other Thanksgiving family memories to shame...

Before we knew it my mother and Aunt Joe were rolling around on the floor. Stuffing from both bowls flying everywhere, along with Aunt Joe's skirt!!

In great shock and awe, I cried out and pointed.

At this point my father came in and grabbed the giblets and took aim at both my mother and Aunt Joe. There's nothing like a slime covered turkey liver or a rock hard gizzard hitting you in the face to sober up the ladies.

Well, almost nothing.  A little mustard and ketchup are also great items to use to get someone's attention. 

I suppose it's a result of my strange childhood, and I probably shouldn't tell you this, but...

My number one biggest turn on has always been pickle relish.  I love the flavor of sweet pickles and can't resist anything with a little relish on it.

Like the time I got my hand stuck in the pickle jar trying to get the last delicious drop of pickle juice. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been at my wedding...

It wasn't easy to try to hide that pickle jar attatched to my hand while I was walking up the aisle.  And then when it was time to kiss my new husband... I completely forgot the pickle jar and broke it over his head!

There was only one thing I could think of to control the damage and the crowd...

"OMG!! Are those giant germs or tiny horses?!?" I cried out to distract the audience from the blood dripping down my beloved's head.

Fortunately my little sister had been trying to hide her pet hamster and it got lose right at the moment the excitement started.

From that moment on, it was pure pandemonium as all the guests started running from my sister's "giant germs".

Of course, it didn't end with the tiny horses.  Another of our wedding guests, dear old Uncle Joe (in a tux this time) decided to liven things up a bit as well.  Instead of tossing rice as we left the Church, he started tossing pipe bombs.

A pipe bomb is an improvised explosive device, a tightly sealed section of pipe filled with an explosive material. The containment provided by the pipe means that simple low explosives can be used to produce a relatively large explosion, and the fragmentation of the pipe itself creates potentially lethal shrapnel.

Premature detonation is a hazard of attempting to construct any homemade bomb, and the materials and methods used with pipe bombs make unintentional detonation incidents common, usually resulting in serious injury or death to the assembler.

In many countries the manufacture or possession of a pipe bomb is a serious crime, regardless of its intended use. (Plagerized from Wikipedia)

Fortunately, Uncle Joe was arrested and put away in a padded cell somewhere. 

But it wasn't for the pipe bombs at my wedding.  Nope.  It was for knocking off a 7-11 last year.  (No pipe bombs or condiments were involved in the robbery.)

But I feel it is my civic duty to point out that cross-dressing turkeys are relatively easy to identify from the video surveillance cameras. 

So, if you ever feel the need to liberate a few items from the local 7-ll you should consider these tips:

1. Don't wear a turkey suit when you rob the store.

2. If you do wear a turkey suit take it off as soon as possible after the event.

3. Try to get a job at the 7-ll and have a friend come in with a turkey suit to pretend to rob the store while you secretly stash your hard earned $20 in a pickle jar.

4. Go to Walmart and pay half the price all the stuff you would have stolen from the 7-11.

My bunions really haven't said much to me at all, except that I should always listen to vegetables if they are psychic.

Well, that and they did try to warn me about getting married.  I should have listened to them and eloped instead!

Before you start thinking I am crazy, let me tell you that I have not alway had this relationship with my vegetables.  It was only after the wedding with the pickle jar, germy horses, and cross-dressed pipe bombs that I started to sense the life force of my produce.

They whisper to me at night and tell me all is right in the Universe, Stan Fletcher is the world's greatest philosopher, and it's okay to be intimate with your condiments from time to time.

My life would be much poorer without the guidance and comfort I get from my psychic connection with nearly every kind of vegetable you can imagine.  Except tomatos.  Tomatos don't seem to have much to say.  Or maybe they are really fruits???