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Useful, Funny, Awesome, Beautiful, and Interesting

Updated on June 13, 2014
Have your birds in a row 'ere you begin writing.
Have your birds in a row 'ere you begin writing. | Source

Reaching out to help you, I am.

Shucks. I'm not useful, funny, awesome, beautiful, or interesting in real life.

How do I achieve these high honors throughout this venerable site? Why are my articles frequented by twinkling stars such as MarkEwbie , DrBJ, Peggy W, , and AustinStar?

I don't know. But I plan use at least 750 words telling you about it.

A turtle is useful to another turtle.
A turtle is useful to another turtle. | Source

Useful

Make yourself useful by publishing recipes. Almost all of us need to eat from time to time. We might easily drive to McDonald's for awesome burgers and fries, but constructing meals based upon online food instructions from bloggers offers an interesting afternoon.

  • Grilled Cheese
  • Grilled Cheese with bacon

Somehow, in this age of food networks, grilled cheese rises to peak of food people want to cook and watch people cook and read about being cooked. It's OK with me because I like all the ingredients. Adding bacon causes your recipe to rocket up the Google search results because, well, it's bacon.


Funny

Quantifying humor rarely succeeds. There's no formula to explain George Carlin. You either own the funny gene or you're Al Gore. Use lots of funny sounding words:

  • Purlin
  • Squench
  • Balderdash
  • Rigidity
  • Al Gore

I, myself, find myself hysterically funny sometimes. Amusing yourself goes a long way toward amusing others or at least getting others to laugh at you.

Boldly stretch the truth. Juxtapose unlikely caricatures such as a human being and Al Gore. Make fun of those who can't make fun of themselves. Compose a limerick. Copy copious Chuck Norris jokes from the Internet. All these techniques could make you funny. I promise to chuckle: that's a start.

Awesome

Awesome is as awesome does. High-jumping 7 feet is awesome during Olympic trials but will get you handcuffed in Compton. Strive toward awesome writing.

Use soaring prose bringing to mind the mind of Hemingway before he picked up the shotgun. Pepper your compositions with alliterations and similes bordering on slander. Dance on the razor edge between truth and consequences. Don't stop to think about your writing: just pound those keys. Your mind is aglow with whirling, cosmic nodes of thought careening through a transient vapor of invention. I know this.

Whatever you do, don't steal stuff. They hate that here.

Beautiful

You are already beautiful. Your world under-appreciates you really strongly. If your beauty were a light it would be hidden under a bushel basket. That bushel basket would be on fire from the white-hot light of your inner beauty. People would travel great distances to look at the fire and take notes. Then those people would return home to write epic articles about beauty, fire, and EPA violations.

All this would be inspired by you. Trust not your intuition advising against your beauty. You can't see it because mirrors do not reflect inner beauty. Your responsibility becomes revealing your unseen attractiveness via words, sentences and paragraphs. Whip up a luscious custard of subtle meanings reflecting through ordinary alphabetic symbology. Use numbers if you like.

It's a hole in the ground. Is it interesting? Douglas Adams could make it interesting. Can you?
It's a hole in the ground. Is it interesting? Douglas Adams could make it interesting. Can you? | Source

Interesting

I'll tell you what's interesting.

Chebyshev's theorem is interesting, as is his empirical rule. Laguerre Polynomials are fascinating. Dr. Edgar Codd turned in amazing research on relational databases. We all owe debts of gratitude to James Gosling for inventing the Java programming language.

Well, that stuff is interesting to me. You just might find yourself tuned in to Kardashian escapades for your dose of daily interest. Tastes do differ. Interesting topics lolling around in my brain could end up putting you to sleep on a roller coaster.

It's a good trick to scope out what's interesting to Google. Ultimately all of us on HubPages crave attention from the Mighty Search Engine. Regardless of our stated motives, we covet high Page Rank numbers and Top 10 appearances. Write about that stuff.

All the Internet loves a cat. You can't go wrong.
All the Internet loves a cat. You can't go wrong. | Source

Epilogue

So, here we are. I promised you at least 750 words and we approach that subjectively coveted total together. We've engaged in a journey of the mind.

How was your trip? Was it fun getting here? I trust you learned something about life, love, and grilled cheese.

Go forth and find yourself Useful, Funny, Awesome, Beautiful, and Interesting. It's all in there somewhere. It wants to come out onto your keyboard. The Internet bubbles over with nonsense: your contribution can't make it any worse. I've set the bar very low and I know you can raise it.

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    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 3 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Alejandra Menem , no argument here.

    • Alejandra Menem profile image

      Alejandra Menem 3 years ago

      Grilled Cheese with bacon... ooomnomnomnomnom ♥

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @rustedmemory , people laugh at me, so funny is always at the top of my mind.

    • rustedmemory profile image

      David Hamilton 4 years ago from Lexington, KY

      I always forget about being funny!

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @RTalloni , Thank you for your kind words. You nailed the backstory on the hole in the ground, but I don't think I'll sleep tonight.

    • RTalloni profile image

      RTalloni 4 years ago from the short journey

      K' now, thanks for the smiles today. You've nearly put me in the mood to write a new funny hub (it's been a while…), but topping this would be difficult so I'll wait 'till I've got something good to go on since you've displayed such capable wit by making comedy seem like effortless writing.

      Now about that hole in the ground. Seems like the cat heard an alarming sound. She had warned that silly dog about what's under there--the foul, ravenous creatures with inviolably sticky tendrils long enough and quick enough to catch, hold, and demoralisingly drag him into the depths of their suffocating domain--but he did not listen. He dug it anyway and now he's gone. Oh well, time to resume her nap in her comfy, sunny window. Another dog, another day…

      Thanks for the reminder about bacon. A great Father's Day surprise would be to use it in a grilled sandwich for my husband!

    • Phyllis Doyle profile image

      Phyllis Doyle Burns 4 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

      nicomp, you hit all the buttons -- great job! I hit all your buttons, too, and sharing.

      Hey, Mark, I am American and I make fantastic gravy. Drop by anytime and we will have some hamburger gravy and biscuits. :)

    • tirelesstraveler profile image

      Judy Specht 4 years ago from California

      Would the hole be a social comment on posts. A post to a blog or a fence? Post Toastees? Thanks for a read full of imagery and delight.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      You can write about Chebyshev's Cats. It's a sure-fire Google magnet.

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

      OK...I have to admit looking up Chebyshev's theorem. I only took 2 years of algebra and 1 year of geometry in high school and since I was not required to take any more math to become a registered nurse, I did not. I'll admit...it was never my favorite subject.

      I'll stick to writing about cats. Haha! Fun hub to read. Up votes and sharing.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Can't help you there. Bring your own. I the TSA doesn't eat it.

    • Mark Ewbie profile image

      Mark Ewbie 4 years ago from UK

      Nicomp - that would be a very pleasurable thing to do. If only the Americans could make gravy.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @William F. Torpey , you got that right.

    • William F. Torpey profile image

      William F Torpey 4 years ago from South Valley Stream, N.Y.

      A thoughtful journey to the abyss.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @MarkEwbie , if you visit The Colonies I will take you out for Bangers and Mash and Turtles.

    • Mark Ewbie profile image

      Mark Ewbie 4 years ago from UK

      Not swimming free.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Tom Whitworth , Kroger always has something to say about my hubs.

      @MarkEwbie , thanks for stopping by and commenting. You seriously don't have terrapins in the UK?

    • Mark Ewbie profile image

      Mark Ewbie 4 years ago from UK

      Hey nicomp. Now it is great writing. Probably all those things - awesome, etc. Trouble is - what searchers can you get for it? That is the problem.

      On the plus side, not that it needs any plusses because it is awesome as already mentioned, that is a very fine turtle. We don't get turtles in the UK.

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 4 years ago from Moundsville, WV

      Nicomp,

      Another useful, funny, awesome, beautiful, and interesting hub. Recipes are very utilitarian but with Kroger selling whole rotisserie chickens for $4.99 (with card), I just cant get the gumption to cook. The only disquieting factor is that the pigeon population of Moundsville always plummets when they have this sale.

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