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The Best Chuck Norris Jokes in The World Bar None

Updated on October 24, 2012

The Best Chuck Norris Jokes In The World Bar None

Legendary wooden actor Chuck Norris inspires hundreds of thousands of one-liners across the Internet. Keeping in mind that he is a Karate Man, we present the Best Chuck Norris Jokes in the World, bar none.

Chuck Norris overclocks his CPU but keeps it cool with his steely glare.

Chuck Norris initiated a steely glare in 1976 that is expected to expire in 2042.

Chuck Norris is not afraid to admit he likes kittens.

Chuck Norris runs a ponzi scheme based on fear.

Chuck Norris donates his hair to make sweaters for sheep.

Chuck Norris built a bird house at Summer Camp, from the bones of his adversaries' birds.

Chuck Norris sells the fear of his adversaries on eBay, shipping is free.

Chuck Norris drinks Gatorade, that he gets by squeezing two gators together.

Chuck Norris started college with 4 years of AP credit in Mathematics

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he bathes in the fear of his adversaries.

Chuck Norris keeps a zoo as a pet.

Chuck Norris programmed his cell phone in assembly language and hand-assembled the code into machine language.

Chuck Norris owns a minority share in the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Chuck Norris doesn't dance Swan Lake, he dances Alligator Lake.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid to admit he prefers the designated hitter rule.

Chuck Norris runs a collections agency that operates at a 101% success rate.

Chuck Norris thinks Bono's sunglasses are cool.

Chuck Norris is not a Doomsday Prepper. Doomsday fears him.

Chuck Norris opens his presents on Christmas morning, not Christmas eve.

Chuck Norris can cure cancer with a simple glare, but that glare also kills the patient

Chuck Norris understands the rules of the Tour de France

Chuck Norris orders his cheeseburgers with no onions

Chuck Norris was a disgraced Navy chef who served out his tour of duty cooking for a ship's captain.

Chuck Norris turned down the role of opening for Jimi Hendrix in 1969.

Chuck Norris pays full price at Half Price Books.

After a satisfactory meal, Chuck Norris calculates a 17.5% tip in his head.

Chuck Norris inspired the Bernie Taupin/ Elton John song "Tiny Dancer".

When mowing his lawn, Chuck Norris never cuts off more than 1/3 of its' current height.

Chuck Norris was the first choice for the goofy sidekick in "Seinfeld".

Chuck Norris can break down, clean, and reassemble his MacBook while blindfolded.

Chuck Norris follows the Jonas Brothers on tour.

Chuck Norris registered his glare as a deadly weapon but has never had to use it.

Chuck Norris Vehicles

Hardcopy Chuck Norris Compendiums

Chuck Norris is a huge fan of

Chuck Norris carves tiny wooden figurines of the Boston Tea Party.

Chuck Norris sleeps in a hypobaric chamber.

Chuck Norris rides a bamboo bicycle.

Chuck Norris understands the difference between Alternating Current and Direct Current.

Chuck Norris relaxes himself to sleep by softly singing Golden Earring's "Radar Love."

Chuck Norris derived the quadratic equation when he was 42 years old.

Chuck Norris has adapted the material known as "Nerf" for over 100 top-secret applications.

Chuck Norris always puts up the flag when leaving mail in his mailbox.

Chuck Norris can go to his left

Chuck Norris always greets his postman with a cheery hello

Chuck Norris prefers his hybrid SUV for trips to the hardware store

Chuck Norris always fair-catches punts inside the 10 yard line

Chuck Norris thinks funny football quotes are always good for a chuckle

Chuck Norris understands the subtle nuances of Vin Diesel movies

Chuck Norris supports nicomp for HubPages Elite.

Chuck Norris enjoys Steven Seagal movies.

Chuck Norris cried when Roy Scheider killed the shark because he had 14 ways to kill Roy Scheider..

Chuck Norris enjoys the pageantry and tradition of the College Football bowl games, but also prefers a playoff system in order to fairly reward the best teams.

Chuck Norris collected Barbie Dolls as a youngster, but encouraged his mother to donate them to charity when left home to enroll in Karate school.

Chuck Norris refuses to use a microwave oven.

Chuck Norris beat Angry Birds on his first try.

Chuck Norris is tracking down those who steal this content. Expect a roundhouse visit soon.

Chuck Norris buys groceries from and books from


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 2 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Haven't had a comment in over three years.

    • profile image

      ruffridyer 6 years ago from Dayton, ohio

      When King Kong ran amock in New York he wasn't looking for Fay Ray, he was runing from Chuck Norris.

    • AmeliaMercedies profile image

      AmeliaMercedies 7 years ago

      I liked the picture...its funny!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @dude with glasses : Come back any time. Thanks for stopping by.

    • profile image

      Guest 7 years ago

      Chuck Norris quit watching the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson retired.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @RoadKill: Road kill? Perhaps a big hair metal band? I see an ad for Steven Seagal Lawman on A&E, but no Road Kill.

    • profile image

      RoadKill 8 years ago

      What is the ad for Road Kill?

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      You know what they say... tragedy + time = comedy

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 8 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      Quite so.

    • greatAmerican profile image

      greatAmerican 8 years ago

      OK my friend, if these are the best, please do no post the worst... What am I missing here?