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I'd like feedback on my article: Cockroaches zombified

  1. burhanuddin1999 profile image62
    burhanuddin1999posted 11 months ago

    Hi Hubbers,

    I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article Cockroaches zombified. What can I do to improve? Thanks!

  2. pen promulgates profile image59
    pen promulgatesposted 11 months ago

    Hey Burhan,

    Even though you are incorporating changes as and when you hear from Hubbers, the article still needs improvement. Mainly your writing. The thing is, we point issues that give hints you must work throughout the article. That applies to the structure of your entire piece of work. Not just the issues we pointed. We cannot proofread each and every word. That's your job smile
    When we say there are minor issues, we point out one or two, the rest you must pick yourself.

    Here are more observations
    In the first paragraph:
    Remove 'that' after the word 'meaning'

    Words in the bracket (any life stage from egg to adult) are unclear as to how it relates.

    You said they lay eggs in an insect, after that you directly jumped to the point the larve kills the host eventually.
    There is no coherence in events.
    Define it properly.
    Like: the wasps lay eggs on or inside the insect's body. Surprisingly, they don't kill the insect at first. They rather keep them alive, however the larvae of the wasp eventually kills the host. That is what makes them different from parasites. Wasps tend to keep the host (Insect) alive unlike parasites who kill their prey at once.

    Dangling modifiers
    You wrote 'cockroach is out in the open when suddenly, a jewel wasp attacks the insect many times bigger than herself.'

    Remember, modifier needs to be next to what it modifies. Otherwise, it's dangling.

    In the sentence above, 'many times bigger than herself' is modifying wasp. Keep it next to it. As of now it sounds more like insect is bigger. Though we can understand the meaning, but the writing needs to be clear too.

    You can reword as 'cockroach is out in the open when suddenly, a jewel wasp (much smaller than the size of cockrach) attacks the insect. Or
    'cockroach is out in the open when suddenly, regardless of being smaller in size the jewel wasp attacks the insect.

    ' The venom in the sting alters the escape reflex in the cockroach.' can be simplified to' The venom in the sting stops the cockroach from escaping.'

    ' When a room infested with roaches is lit; escape reflex makes sure that the roaches run away.' your meaning is unclear.

    On a second thought, I believe escape reflex is some skill the roach uses. That's what you want to highlight. Why not make it clear (in simple words) what it means?
    You are a science student. You understand terminologies and tough language, but we don't smile

    'Another effect of venom is that the roach starts to groom (a process of cleaning itself by licking)' - Okay. So now you have defined what is grooming (which had been missing before). But what about it? How it matters after he has been stung by wasp? Can grooming help him escape or not, given he is just paralyzed not dead.

    Boy, enough for now. That took much time to write. Like this there are more unclear constructions. Spot them all and reword.

    Remember, no sentence must be vague in meaning.

    Get it proofread by a friend or your English teacher before posting.

    Read articles by other Hubbers.

    Now do not ask for feedback until you have corrected the errors smile
    Cite in the source of the image text where you got the images from. For example, pixabay etc.
    Hope these help.
    Good luck.

  3. pen promulgates profile image59
    pen promulgatesposted 11 months ago

    Hey Burhan,

    Even though you are incorporating changes as and when you hear from Hubbers, the article still needs improvement. Mainly your writing. The thing is, we point issues that give hints you must work throughout the article. That applies to the structure of your entire piece of work. Not just the issues we pointed. We cannot proofread each and every word. That's your job smile
    When we say there are minor issues, we point out one or two, the rest you must pick yourself.

    Here are more observations
    In the first paragraph:
    Remove 'that' after the word 'meaning'

    Words in the bracket (any life stage from egg to adult) are unclear as to how it relates.

    You said they lay eggs in an insect, after that you directly jumped to the point the larve kills the host eventually.
    There is no coherence in events.
    Define it properly.
    Like: the wasps lay eggs on or inside the insect's body. Surprisingly, they don't kill the insect at first. They rather keep them alive, however the larvae of the wasp eventually kills the host. That is what makes them different from parasites. Wasps tend to keep the host (Insect) alive unlike parasites who kill their prey at once.

    Dangling modifiers
    You wrote 'cockroach is out in the open when suddenly, a jewel wasp attacks the insect many times bigger than herself.'

    Remember, modifier needs to be next to what it modifies. Otherwise, it's dangling.

    In the sentence above, 'many times bigger than herself' is modifying wasp. Keep it next to it. As of now it sounds more like insect is bigger. Though we can understand the meaning, but the writing needs to be clear too.

    You can reword as 'cockroach is out in the open when suddenly, a jewel wasp (much smaller than the size of cockrach) attacks the insect. Or
    'cockroach is out in the open when suddenly, regardless of being smaller in size the jewel wasp attacks the insect.

    ' The venom in the sting alters the escape reflex in the cockroach.' can be simplified to' The venom in the sting stops the cockroach from escaping.'

    ' When a room infested with roaches is lit; escape reflex makes sure that the roaches run away.' your meaning is unclear.

    On a second thought, I believe escape reflex is some skill the roach uses. That's what you want to highlight. Why not make it clear (in simple words) what it means?
    You are a science student. You understand terminologies and tough language, but we don't smile

    'Another effect of venom is that the roach starts to groom (a process of cleaning itself by licking)' - Okay. So now you have defined what is grooming (which had been missing before). But what about it? How it matters after he has been stung by wasp? Can grooming help him escape or not, given he is just paralyzed not dead.

    Boy, enough for now. That took much time to write. Like this there are more unclear constructions. Spot them all and reword.

    Remember, no sentence must be vague in meaning.

    Get it proofread by a friend or your English teacher before posting.

    Read articles by other Hubbers.

    Now do not ask for feedback until you have corrected the errors smile
    Cite in the source of the image text where you got the images from. For example, pixabay etc.
    Hope these help.
    Good luck.

 
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