Really Need Some Constructive Criticism Please!

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   DogSiDaedposted 14 years ago

   Just written a (very) short story. I'm looking to try and develop a writing style that will enable me to make longer ones in future, perhaps leading to a full length book. Any criticism of the piece and what I should do to improve it is much appreciated. Thanks guys!
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/What-is-Real-A- … first-edit

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   DogSiDaedposted 14 years ago

   Anybody out there?

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      kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I am
      I just don't know the first thing about writing a book and so would not be the best person to offer advice. I am sure there are some folks out there that can help but may hap they are asleep or something. Why are they not here!!! Surely they are just as addicted to hub pages as we are

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   frogdroppingposted 14 years ago

   I'm out there. I'm always somewhere I shouldn't be. I shall read your hub DogSiDaed. And are you over your morning grumps yet?

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      DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Ohh yes, I'm quite happy, after discovering two Rage Against the Machine side projects. Mosh away the winter blues

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   frogdroppingposted 14 years ago

   Good good I note you now have a fledgling funship with Nell Gwynn. I hope it's a mutal attraction
   
   I read your tale, liked what I read and left my thoughts on the page. Good stuff and well done you.
   
   And stop that moshing business. For sure you'll contract a headache. Or at least ... weird stares

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      DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      It's normally the neck that goes first XD I woke up after a gig the other week and I could barely move my head XD

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         frogdroppingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Necks are important. They keep one's head right where it needs to be. North of the shoulders. I'd be careful if I were you ... broken necks usually cause pain, droopy heads and on occassion, a visit from the Grim Reaper

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   moanalisaposted 14 years ago

   I've read your story and it is engaging. I wouldn't be the right person qualified to critique your story, but I can tell you what I'd like to see as a reader.
   
   There are some strong emotions depicted here, but I'd like to see more done to develop the visualization of these. Another suggestion is to avoid using clichés such as "the world is his oyster".
   
   Good start, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

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      DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you, duly noted I will try and change that annoying little cliche And I'll do a second edit soon with more descriptive detail. Cheers!

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         moanalisaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Glad to help! Let us know when you have the second edit ready.

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            DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Shall do! I've also had a suggestion with perhaps continuing a story after that? This hadn't crossed my mind, but if people think that's a good idea I may try... What do you think? Stick or Twist?

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   Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

   Left you a comment on this hub... a good writing style to follow.. Good effort DSD.

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      DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Pearldiver, read and taken in!

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   Hauntyposted 14 years ago

   Thanks for showing us your Christmas avatar, DSD.

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      DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      No problems I had to do it, I saw it on an album cover and just went 'That's awesome!'
      
      I can make it more christmassy for you if you like?

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         Hauntyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Remember the last time you offered to explain your poetry to me and I challenged you to do it? So don't mess with me cuz I'll take you by the word. But no. This is more than enough to make me feel like old times.

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            DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Well take me by my word all you like my friend, cos there it is!

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               Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               
               merry xmas guys!!

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                  Hauntyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Merry Xmas to you, Justine!

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   frogdroppingposted 14 years ago

   Your Christmas avatar is not what I'd expect from you DogSiDaed. I thought you'd be more along the lines of kittens playing in the snow
   
   Still, at least you've attempted to 'tinsel' up.
   
   *still thinks the big guns are way obvious though*

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      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      you could use a santa hat.  it must be cold today for a frog...

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         frogdroppingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I could? I don't know. Let me see

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            Hauntyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            lololol

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   frogdroppingposted 14 years ago

   There you go. I'm now with hat. Whoopee

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      Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You are always festive, froggy. Loving it.

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    Daniel Carterposted 14 years ago

    I constructed a criticism for your story. I like the pensiveness of it, and that you left so many unanswered questions. And because you did that, you'll have everyone angry that you didn't really finish it, mate.
    
    
    Bizzare new avatar. Reminds me of my own rocker, young adult kids. Fun.
    
    Finish the story. (Purdy pleeeze.)
    
    Oh, yeah, Happy Christmas.

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    DogSiDaedposted 14 years ago

    Ok, I've done an unproofed second edit, which will be proofed by tonight. Then in the New Year I should have more to follow

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