I'd like feedback on my article: Geely Automobile Group

1. 85

   agvulpesposted 6 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article Geely Automobile Group. What can I do to improve?
   It has been suggested that I 'proofread' the Hub and I thought some fresh eyes may help me by finding any errors in spelling/ grammar that I keep missing.
   I appreciate any help
   Thanks!

   replyreport
   1. 97

      theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Hiya,
      
      Okay, going to go through it quickly.
      
      Don't use 'company' twice in the same sentence unless it is the name of the organisation, in which case it should be capitalised.
      
      You need a proper introduction. Tell your reader what the article is about and why they need to know more.
      
      Punctuation is a bit 'all over the place'. Too many exclamation points. You rarely need an exclamation point in a factual article.  Also overuse of inverted commas. There are commas and periods/full stops misplaced throughout, some with spaces before them. Run it through Grammarly.
      
      You have a distinctive voice, but I think it's too much in your reader's face. Can you dial it back a little? Read it aloud. At a medium speed. It will help you identify the phrases that don't work. For example, "Well I have a confession to make! I had never heard of Geely until the other night when I heard that Geely cars, starting with the Geely MK fitted a 1.5 litre engine,..."
      
      Fitted it to what? And why is that relevant in that sentence? It's too much like a shouty blog post. Doesn't this saound better? "I have a confession to make. I'd never even heard of Geely until very recently." [Note: Now I realise this article is five years old, this sounds all wrong.]
      
      Make sure there is a blank line between paragraphs, as I have done here. Two returns, not one.
      
      Your update is a bit out of date. 2013? How about you bring the article right up to date with a proper rewrite? I would think after all these years, the company is established now and most people in Australia have heard of it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geely
      
      Good luck.
      
      Edit: the name of the company is Geely Automobile Holdings Ltd., though it seems to use different names in different countries.

      replyreport
      1. 85

         agvulpesposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         G'day Bev and thanks for the comprehensive Critique
         You have given me a lot to absorb here and much to take into this old brain.
         I do like your idea of a complete rewrite and I will give it serious consideration .
         LOL I did not realise that my voice was in 'your face' and will indeed read the Hub out loud. Great idea
         Once again I very much appreciate your advice .

         replyreport
         1. 97

            theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            Don't get me wrong - having a unique voice is not a bad thing. I like articles that relate the topic back to the writer. I just think there was a little too much. It's probably because I'm a puritanical pommie I think you might be able to do a lot with the article by bringing it into the present. For instance, did you buy a Geely? Do you know someone who drives one daily? Do they run well. After five years, there must be quite a lot of data available.

            replyreport
            1. 85

               agvulpesposted 6 years agoin reply to this

               You , a puritanical Pommie ? I never would have believed it ?? (a bit of Aussie Humor)
               Seriously though you have given me a LOT to think about.
               The Geely brand has indeed gone through huge changes in the last five years and will need plenty of research.
               Thanks again for the boost

               replyreport
2. 97

   DrMark1961posted 6 years ago

   Just a short addittion to Bev´s post: I felt the title did not give me an idea of what I would be reading. How about just focusing on Geely Automobile in Autstralia?

   replyreport
   1. 85

      agvulpesposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Dr Mark good point and one that I missed because in my head that was my intention ?

      replyreport