Poor Little Fly

1. 59

   DStettlerposted 14 years ago

   So i wrote a children's book and I'm wondering what people think. Feel free to be completely honest because I would like to be able to improve.
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/the-Poor-Little … Wooden-Leg

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      DStettlerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      And since i don't want to make multiple threads for myself I'd also like feedback on this poem.
      
      http://hubpages.com/hub/Turd_Stepping

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   2. 0

      Website Examinerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      This is fun and a great read.
      
      There is an awful lot of redundancies / repetitive expressions. I do understand that this is for children and should be clear, but an editor would trim this substantially without anything being lost.
      
      Another issue: This work is already available on the Internet, at least snippets of it, as the book is previously published. You will likely run into problems with duplicate content filtering and penalties as described in the HubPages FAQ.

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      1. 59

         DStettlerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         The issue of it being on the internet other then this site has been resolved. I had it on a different site my cousin had showed me a year ago and forgot to delete it from there.

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         1. 0

            Website Examinerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            You are welcome!

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2. 73

   SteveoMcposted 14 years ago

   I find it very difficult to have empathy for a fly.   Having said that, I think that the story is fine but wordy.  It might be written for too old a child.  I think the story is akin to The Little Engine That Could.
   
   The children that would like this, are probably more  picture book age.   That means a lot less words and lots of illustrations.    Also, does it make sense to get the child to relate to the fly and his challenges and disabilities and then end up being killed?   I don't think so.   As an adult fairy tale, it might fly, (pun intended) but for a child, I don't think they could appreciate the irony.   They may draw the conclusion that if they are different, they are going to have a very hard life and then get squashed and never be able to succeed.
   
   The story needs to end with the little fly's success.   Children that would like the story are likely to think in very concrete terms.

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3. 59

   EatLovePrayposted 14 years ago

   It's a nice story! However, it seems more directly aimed at middle-aged children, rather than little ones. Context needs to be narrowed down a bit from my view.

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4. 59

   DStettlerposted 14 years ago

   thanks for the responses, I'm gonna look at shortening it and at an alternate ending where the fly wins.

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