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A chance to objectively critique the kiwi I need honest opinions plse

  1. Pearldiver profile image82
    Pearldiverposted 7 years ago

    http://hubpages.com/hub/Life-Circles-Po … r-a-Friend

    This is a collection of various poems that has been published here for a while and has received some excellent comments that I want you to ignore for this exercise....

    This is not a commercial hub... this is a mixture of poems, by someone who did not write poetry until a year ago.. I have not had any formal training or anything... so I don't know the level of my works...

    I have been asked to submit a cross section of my poetry and haiku to an agent... I want you guys to assess my ability.. if you would (please).. So kick my butt.. I will not flinch lol

    Cheers.

    1. profile image0
      cosetteposted 7 years agoin reply to this




      congratulations. that is wonderful news. all of those are really inspirational and each one examines Hope from a different point of view and touches your reader in different ways. this one spoke to me - The Cost of Hoping For Sunny Days. i edited it a little - not for grammatical correctness but to make it more conversational. of course you don't have to accept anyone's edits. for example, i capitalized the light at the end of the tunnel and cruel world because they are popular literary and poetic references, and metaphors, and now i can almost see the speaker making double quotation marks with his fingers as he speaks. he knows about the light at the end of the tunnel all too well and doesn't need anyone to remind him.

      anyway, i loved this one the best. very powerful. i am not good at constructing poetry so i don't publish my poetic musings because i am not brave (or good at it) like you.

      best regards.


      The Cost of Hoping For Sunny Days.
      =+=

      Yes I have recovered from most of the pain

      You know, it’s been over a year since that storm

      Today I try not to think about the weather anymore

      But it just seems to always hurt on rainy days.

      =+=

      I’ve learnt that if I keep my head down it helps me

      See those puddles that always precede flash floods

      And I don’t see those black clouds carrying bad luck

      Oh yes - I’m happy to say that my wind has gone.

      =+=

      People always tell me about the Light At The End Of The Tunnel

      But I don’t know what they mean when they pat me as well

      There’s a rainbow coming tomorrow.

      Maybe hail.

      I can’t really tell.

      I wonder why it always seems to hurt more on rainy days...

      =+=

      Yes I feel that I have recovered from most of the pain.

      Since I planted cabbages, the UV rays only go next door.

      And it doesn’t snow anymore since my prayers came true.

      I must tell you the good news - I found my remote on the floor.

      =+=

      Will it be an avalanche, eruption, dust storm or fire

      That determines the final future of this Cruel World?

      I open my door and the Sun shines up my back passage

      I suppose you’ve guessed that I don’t chase tornadoes anymore.

      =+=

      Well, I must say that it’s been nice catching up with you

      And hearing all the news (without a weather report).

      Time flies when you count down to the end.

      Everyone's an expert today, it seems.

      Yep, that’s the trend.

      =+=

      Give my love to everyone at the met office.

      I hope I’ll be back on deck again, when it’s finally warm.

      But all the pressure, those critic complaints, take their toll.

      And try as we may, we can’t always bring the sun out Norm

      I guess that’s why forecasts seem to hurt on rainy days:

      For us, with critics and no sun, there’s no shelter from the storm.

  2. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 7 years ago

    There are some punctuation issues, where you use semi-colon rather than comma. These changes will make it easier to read:
    - Just hope, a mother said, consoling...
    - He was broken, in hospital...
    - His friend, the driver, lay...
    - And hope, this powerful, often...
    - "No," said the surgeon...
    - When they met, he charmed...
    Etc.

    Also, I prefer colon rather than semi-colon before open-quote:
    - ...came over and said:...

    It looks good otherwise. I'm no poetry expert, but was impressed with the graphics and robust presentation of important themes.

  3. Pearldiver profile image82
    Pearldiverposted 7 years ago

    WE Thanks for that.. you are quite right and I have the bad habit of using semi-colons all the time.

    True Fact and Also most relevant is that I completely failed English Grammer and sprelling at school and even today don't understand many gramatical prerequisites lol
    Which of course is No Excuse for publishing poor grammer.

    For that particular poem though... I have used semi-colons to create more of a 'pregnant pause' within the verse, so that it is read in a 'broken' manner, with a larger pause than is normally given to a comma.  I hope you know what I mean... as I'm not sure I do yikes

    Thank you so much for your great advice... I know that I have to improve my grammer hmm

    Really Appreciate your input.

  4. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 7 years ago

    Ah, I think I get it now. Supposed to be a bit rugged, maybe... All right, it's your dime. I wish you luck with your submission.

    Talking semi-colons, I recently proof-read several novels where there were more semi-colons than commas. It took one week for each to clean them up. So you're not alone in liking those little ones. I also understand the tendency that if in doubt, throw in a semi-colon.

  5. Pearldiver profile image82
    Pearldiverposted 7 years ago

    No I wasn't in doubt. I genuinely didn't know.
    When I was in my early 20s I had to completely reprogram my hard drive (head) after it had been fragged to the point that I couldn't even spell my name or remember how to tie my laces.
    So writing represents quite alot under those circumstances.
    I was once told that you should use a semi-colon when you want to change direction in the same sentence, but don't want to use too much ink. hmm

    1. profile image0
      Website Examinerposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds about right. Seems the defrag job worked out pretty good, after all.

      1. Pearldiver profile image82
        Pearldiverposted 7 years agoin reply to this

        Cheers for that. It's amazing what can be done with a spade, a transplanted motherboard and a new plug these days WE lol

  6. profile image0
    china manposted 7 years ago

    I nearly stayed out of this - I lose friends easily enough as it is big_smile

    I like a bit of structure in a poem, and especially 'unstructered' is still a structure.  Most of your poems have no structure just because it isn't there.  When reading them they do not scan very well, sometimes you break into a rythm or strike an end rhyme but then it stops - this would be ok if it had meaning but it just kinda stops . .

    The basic forms, sentiments, wording and even the semibloodycolons if you want to keep them in (artistic licence) are all good; if it was me I would make it read more smoothly.  I forgot to copy up the bits that I could illustrate this with - if you are still talking to me I can go on . . .

    1. tobey100 profile image60
      tobey100posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I'm kinda of like china man.  My personal preference is for poetry to sort of 'flow' I guess is a good word.  Content and subject wise they're actually quite good from my 'writers' point of view.  Punctuation or where you break the rhyme aren't as important I don't believe.  Jez, just look at fome of Robert Frost's stuff.

    2. Pearldiver profile image82
      Pearldiverposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... eat

      Thanks alot!! smile
      I have never considered writing it in regards to syllables... so cheers for the input.
      That's exactly what I wanted smile
      It's True but Not entirely, as it doesn't apply to Everything I Write!

      I have NEVER Written poetry or haiku before I started writing it here.... So I am a total beginner.

      And Yep.... I'm starting to realise that tongue lol
      So cheers CM I do appreciate what you're saying... smile


      @ Tobie.... Thanks I think to get around that I will change the format. smile

  7. profile image0
    china manposted 7 years ago

    So many people shut their eyes and just refuse to see
    So many blind, busy people: Deafened by their apathy

    So many people shut their eyes and just refuse to see
    So many busy people deafened by their apathy



    So many apathetic people; they'll never change their ways
    But if they don't talk or listen: How will they learn; the hopes of yesterday?

    So many people apathetic; they'll never change their ways

    But if they don't talk or listen: How will they learn; the hopes of yesterday?


    The first two lines scan better like this I think ?

    many apathetic people apathetic has four syllables and so is hard to 'speak' it correctly with the words before and after - it may not look so good but people apathetic does scan better.
    Not sure anything can save the last line without going back to the drawing board smile

  8. profile image0
    china manposted 7 years ago

    and in case anyone still doesn't know I am also AP - who is currently on a 3 day ban and so cannot reply himself.

    1. rebekahELLE profile image88
      rebekahELLEposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I didn't know that. I guess it happens. hmm

      PD, you know I'm a fan of your poetry. it speaks easily to the heart. I do agree with some of the others about the punctuation. there are quite a few verses that would read easier with just a few commas and periods. smile

      when I do write poetry, I hardly ever use any punctuation other than a period to complete a thought. I use lines to give a pause, and read it out loud to see how it flows.

      We cast our lines
      at the evening sunset,
      Out into the gentle swells
      of our favorite sea.

      We hoped to catch more
      than our breakfast
      On a magic night.

      we set a fire
      fished and talked,
      Agreeing
      that on nights like this
      fishing was meant to be.

      I'm not a poetry expert, so I certainly can't give literary critique, just suggesting less punctuation and more flow.  btw, I love this passage. there's just something so peaceful and beautiful with the image it creates. they are all beautiful hopes.

  9. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 7 years ago

    China man, great input. Please be patient, Pearldiver is checking out whether Australia has an extradition treaty with China...

    1. profile image0
      china manposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Don't worry WE  I got 'friends' in high places here, and anyway I am protected by a Sukie, he has no chance big_smile

      1. Pearldiver profile image82
        Pearldiverposted 7 years agoin reply to this

        Don't Be Too Sure Mate! big_smile

        1. profile image0
          china manposted 7 years agoin reply to this

          You think you could take on a Sukie !!   anyway - you only say that cos you think you are safe on your teeny weeny little island in the middle of nowhere !

          1. Pearldiver profile image82
            Pearldiverposted 7 years agoin reply to this

            But as you can see from my newly critiqued personality... I dressed for the event lol

            1. profile image0
              china manposted 7 years agoin reply to this

              Yep - criticism feels like coughing up fur balls big_smile

  10. Pearldiver profile image82
    Pearldiverposted 7 years ago

    Wow Cosette.. thanks for your comments. I am really pleased that someone specifically mentioned this poem about the Weather Guy who always gets the forecast wrong. smile

    This was so hard to write and when I consider what has been discussed here.. yes it needs some work with the flow. Cheers for your input Cosette.. and for liking my favorite smile


    @ Hi Rebekah.. thanks for your input too.. You are right and what you have said about using lines as pauses is exactly one thing I must teach myself to do.... So I will smile Cheers for that.

  11. profile image0
    cosetteposted 7 years ago

    you're welcome. i am so happy for you smile

  12. rebekahELLE profile image88
    rebekahELLEposted 7 years ago

    good luck with your submissions. how exciting for you! and you're welcome. smile we're cheering for you.

  13. Pearldiver profile image82
    Pearldiverposted 7 years ago

    Thanks Everyone... I really appreciate your time, efforts and comments on this smile

    I have a week to 'scrub up' some of my works before I submit them.
    Then I'll find out if my works good enough to publish smile
    I don't know what they have in mind yet... OMG it might be Greeting Cards lol roll

    Thanks for your good wishes guys... I know who else I'll refer smile

  14. rebekahELLE profile image88
    rebekahELLEposted 7 years ago

    PD, best of luck to you. hey, even greeting cards can be nice $$ if you have a trademark. you never know. I think your poems are beautiful . keep us posted! smile 

    did the agent find you on HubPages?

  15. Pearldiver profile image82
    Pearldiverposted 7 years ago

    Cheers Rebekah.... yep quite true.

    No this had nothing to do with HP or other sites.
    It was originally in relation to series of guidelines I had written for a commercial client on Creative Sales Techniques that they had successfully implemented... of all things.

    More than a just a goodlooking BumbleTown Moggy it seems big_smile lol

    We shall see. It is a good challenge  smile

 
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