hey im ready to be judged

1. 0

   King Larryposted 14 years ago

   here's my latest hub here.  what do you all think?  good?  or just a complete load of bull?
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/Hookers-and-Cal … n-Hubpages

   replyreport
2. 67

   alternate poetposted 14 years ago

   I think the cynicism of the lead-in is too long.  I got bored and decided you were a weirdo - luckily I caught the human trafficking pic just before I moved on.  I would make the lead-in shorter and put in more actual (if abbreviated) information about the trafficking as what you have 'mostly' is opinion and what we already know.  The idea is good and I like the pimp-talk.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      King Larryposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      lead in is too long?  so are you saying it wasn't remotely funny then around the beginning?

      replyreport
      1. 67

         alternate poetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         It didn't come across to me as funny - until I realised it was humour by seeing the opposite - then it was funny.
         
         Maybe it is a little too college humour for me - as I am an old fart and not American either ?

         replyreport
         1. 0

            King Larryposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            hmm..i think i get what your saying there now.  Yeah, i think the beginning is a bit too long. You think I should just have the "Pimping 101" part as the beginning instead as a lead in and just take out the text that comes before it?  that might work, right?

            replyreport
3. 0

   King Larryposted 14 years ago

   okay, thanks buddy for helping me out. i'll be sure to work on some changes to my hub now. thanks for the tip buddy. 

   replyreport
4. 0

   King Larryposted 14 years ago

   by the way, i just unpublished this hub to work on it again some more.  so just to let you all know. i'll post here again to let you know once i made the corrections to it.

   replyreport
5. 59

   Randy Godwinposted 14 years ago

   Guilty!

   replyreport
6. 69

   Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

   - King Larry Gets Serious For A Moment -
   
   Personally, I think the above heading within your hub sums up your problem here.
   Are you seeking keyword recognition here with 'freaking?'
   Are you writing specifically for the internal HP 'market?'
   You are rolling several issues into one here and undermining their significance by placing them behind a (not-so-funny-if-you-aren't-from-the-US) facade.
   I find no humor in trafficing kids and alike... and these issues in themselves would give you excellent hub content.. but you will need to approach it objectively, as you have underplayed it here with BS and 'cheapened' that issue! (Could be seen or taken as BadTaste!).
   You have writing skills...
   Your humor is not 'fully developed' or engaging enough to use in 'serious' subjects, with a 70% + benchmark for audience appreciation.
   This is a Clue that I use to measure my humorous work. It is worth remembering - (Consider it as standup content value at say, the Comedy Club - What is My Message? How well did it flow and I deliver it?)
   Why not split this hub (issue-wise) and write on the issues with the depth and 'caring' that they deserve?
   Keep in mind the word Caring... as that is the key primary missing element in your article. To engage your readers better... Actually give them at the least a glimpse that YOU CARE (Seriously)
   Maybe be Serious for more than Just a Moment huh?

   replyreport