I Am... Therefore, I Am Not: A Talk With Myself About Who I Am and Am Not

I look to be inspired in this life. I was sitting and listening to music as usual as I surfed the Internet and social media, and I got this epiphany that made me happy to be just who I am.

When I was younger, being lost in this world not knowing where in the world I fit in, sometimes bothered me. The part that bothered me was; it seemed I could not for the life of me pick out a specific group to hang with or act like. I could not pick a certain genre of music I liked better than the other. I could not be classified, as I liked everyone and all kinds of things, and saw everyone for something unique they embodied.

However, I felt sorry for some of the people I would encounter through these years too because I could also tell that most were hiding that part of themselves that wasn’t identifiable with others. I could see this, because, well, I was trying to be something I wasn’t as well. In my own defense, I hadn’t figured out myself yet, and I felt sorry for me too because I was not exactly hiding, but I didn’t feel free to be, or even to know who I was at this certain point in my life either. For that, I was labeled a loner, and I think the label was correct since I didn’t try to interact much and get involved with a clique if you will.

Don’t get me wrong, some people just know who they are. They grab this at a very early age. Influences in the family such as; Dad the doctor, or Mom the teacher, have made them know exactly where they fit in. For some of us though, even if we had those tremendous influences in our lives, it wouldn’t have helped us to fit into our selves. It took me years and years to figure myself out, and if I’m honest, I’m such a complicated person, I’m still going to be figuring myself out in certain ways forever.

Can you imagine how a person like me must have felt in those crucial years of growing out of childhood and leaping into adulthood? There was no way I wasn’t going to make the mistakes I did. It was inevitable because I needed those mistakes to recognize the true person I was. Maybe I knew, but also knew it was unacceptable in modern society not to be solid with a direction to go. I’ve never had a direction. I have tried many different jobs in life. I have gone to school for several distinct things in this life. I am in the process right now of taking another course to try yet another career form.

I can say with the utmost confidence that writing is and has always been extremely important to me. However, what form of writing fits me is still a concern. So, not completely settled in this area, but know I want to continue here. I am almost, completely, sure that I am a poet or poetess, as some like to call female poets. I will maintain this part of me always. I know this for sure. I know a few other things also, maybe not with the confidence of a set standard of them, but I know I am a decent mother, and I know my favorite color is black. Although mothering has been a challenge, I had to learn on my own, it took me many places of understanding to where now I can be confident to say that I am a good parent, and I do like many other colors, of course, but I persistently stick with black as my absolute favorite. Nevertheless, I cannot pick many distinctions about myself other than these three things.

So, who am I? Furthermore, what does the inspiring aspect have to do with me as I mentioned in the first sentence I wrote here? I realized the inspiration this day like I do other days, but the reality does come and go. However, I realized again today that “I AM” That’s it. That's all!! I am the person who never fit in, but fit in is not who I am. I am a lover of poetry, but I mix it with articles and logic at times. I am a warehouse worker, a dental assistant, a 911 operator, an office person, a farm girl, a fitness center manager and trainer, a traveler who has never traveled yet, a friend to many, a friend to none. I am an unconventional 40 something that likes to take goofy selfies of herself, and I think that’s fine. Musically, I like Pop. I like Jazz. I like Folk/Indie. I like Classical. I even like a few Country songs. So, to pick any of these things as a favorite I cannot. I love cultures. I love people of culture. I find they become my best friends online, and in the workplace when I work out of the home. I’m American but I feel I am a part of the whole world. I hope to see the world and visit the many friends I’ve made from all over the world one day. I’ve been a wife without a wedding and maintained my single status. I’ve been sorrowful and hopeful about it all.

Lastly, I believe I am an evolver. I evolve instead of existing in a constant straight line to reach a certain prospect. I am not a routine. I am a mystery unraveling, and always will be. I am an open-minded person that knew at a very young age that I could never be a racist to anything or anyone. I am instead of a complete pacifist. I love peace and see no purpose in a war of religion, a war of culture, a war of land. Anything like that depresses me. Which is why I do find myself depressed on occasion. This is why having these epiphanies of self, inspires me. I lose the negative stuff we all get stuck in at times trying to live in this world. I shed the heartbreak of all these things that others make me feel different for, and know that being unusual is what inspires me because I wouldn’t know how to be anything but a complicated mystery.

I cannot be constrained.

I will not be contained.

I am no one.

I am everything.

I am love.

I am peace.

I am maybe someone

you will never meet.

Don't dare to judge

the way I am...

don't offend

my unique personal

pen.

It's not a chaos rhyme.

It's my own swaying

rhythm.

We can all dance

to our particular

personal vision...

It only takes a clear

picture put in place...

An understanding of

one's self...

to power on to find our

individual idiosyncratic

talents...

Set yourself apart.

Grab a place away

from common art.

Preach this to

yourself. Stay

conscious.

Be you, be unique,

be a piece of your

own reality...