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I Am... Therefore, I Am Not; A Talk With Myself About Who I Am and Am Not

Updated on March 23, 2016
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My Moody Selfie

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The First Stage; My Attempt To Figure It All Out

© 2016 Missy Smith

I look to be inspired in this life. I was sitting and listening to music as usual as I surfed the Internet and social media, and I got this epiphany that made me happy to be just who I am.

When I was younger, being lost in this world not knowing where in the world I fit in, sometimes bothered me. The part that bothered me was; it seemed I could not for the life of me pick out a specific group to hang with or act like. I could not pick a certain genre of music I liked better than the other. I could not be classified, as I liked everyone and all kinds of things, and saw everyone for something unique they embodied. However, I felt sorry for some of the people I would encounter through these years too, because I could also tell that most were hiding that part of themselves that wasn’t identifiable with others. I could see this, because, well, I was trying to be something I wasn’t as well. I mean, in my own defense, I hadn’t figured out myself yet, and I felt sorry for me too, because I was not exactly hiding, but I didn’t feel free to be, or even to know, who I was at this certain point in my life either. For that, I was labeled a loner, and I think the label was correct, since I didn’t try to interact much and get involved with a clique if you will.

Don’t get me wrong, there are people that just know who they are. They grab this at a very early age. Influences in the family such as; Dad the doctor, or Mom the teacher, have made them know exactly where they fit in. For some of us though, even if we had those tremendous influences in our lives, it wouldn’t have helped us to fit into our own selves. It took me years and years to figure myself out, and if I’m honest, I’m such a complicated person to even myself, I’m still going to be figuring myself out in certain ways forever.

My Goofy Selfie; Just Because

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The Transition Point; Halfway To Knowing and Acknowledging Who I Am

Can you imagine how a person like me must have felt in those crucial years of growing out of childhood and leaping into adulthood? There was no way I wasn’t going to make the mistakes I did. It was inevitable, because I needed those mistakes to recognize the true person I was. Maybe I really knew, but also knew it was unacceptable in modern society not to be solid with a direction to go. I’ve never had a direction. I have tried many different jobs in life. I have gone to school for several distinct things in this life. I am in the process right now of taking another course to try yet another career form.

I can say with the utmost confidence that writing is and has always been extremely important to me. However, what form of writing fits me is still a concern. So, not completely settled in this area, but know I want to continue here. I am almost, completely, sure that I am a poet or poetess, as some like to call female poets. I will maintain this part of me always. I know this for sure. I know a few other things also, maybe not with confidence of a set standard of them, but I know I am a decent mother, and I know my favorite color is black. Although mothering has been a challenge, I had to learn on my own, it took me many places of understanding to where now I can be confident to say that I am a good parent, and I do like many other colors, of course, but I persistently stick with black as my absolute favorite. Nevertheless, I cannot pick many distinctions about myself other than these three things.

My Goofy Selfie; Coloring My Hair

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The Final Outlook; My Inspiring Epiphany Prevails

So, who am I? Furthermore, what does the inspiring aspect have to do with me as I mentioned in the first sentence I wrote here? I realized the inspiration this day like I do other days, but the reality does come and go; however, I realized again today that “I AM” That’s it. That's all!! I am the person who never fit in, but fit in is not who I am. I am a lover of poetry, but I mix it with articles and logic at times. I am a warehouse worker, a dental assistant, a 911 operator, an office person, a farm girl, a fitness center manager and trainer, a traveler who has never traveled yet, a friend to many, a friend to none. I am an unconventional 40 something that likes to take goofy selfies of herself, and I think that’s fine. Musically, I like Pop. I like Jazz. I like Folk/Indie. I like Classical. I even like a few Country songs. So, to pick any of these things as a favorite I cannot. I love cultures. I love people of culture. I find they become my best friends online, and in the workplace when I work out of the home. I’m American, but feel I am a part of the whole world. I hope to see the world and visit the many friends I’ve made from all over the world one day. I’ve been a wife without a wedding, and maintained my single status. I’ve been sorrowful and hopeful about it all.

Lastly, I believe I am an evolver. I evolve instead of exist in a constant straight line to reach a certain future prospect. I am not a routine. I am a mystery unraveling, and always will be. I am an open-minded person that knew at a very young age that I could never be a racist to anything or anyone. I am instead a complete pacifist. I love peace and see no purpose in war of religion, war of culture, war of land. Anything like that depresses me. Which is why I find myself depressed on occasion. This is why having these epiphanies of self, inspire me. I lose the negative stuff we all get stuck in at times trying to live in this world. I shed the heartbreak of all these things that others make me feel different for, and know that being unusual is what inspires me, because I wouldn’t know how to be anything but a complicated mystery.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows; I Love These Clips

What Are Your Thoughts...

Have you struggled with Identity through your life?

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I Am

© 2016 Missy Smith

I cannot be constrained.

I will not be contained.


I am no one.

I am everything.


I am love.

I am peace.


I am maybe someone

you will never meet.


Don't dare to judge

the way I am...


don't offend

my unique personal

pen.


It's not a chaos rhyme.

It's my own swaying

rhythm.


We can all dance

to our particular

personal vision...


It only takes a clear

picture put in place...


An understanding of

one's self...


to power on to find our

individual idiosyncratic

talents...


Set yourself apart.

Grab a place away

from common art.


Preach this to

yourself. Stay

conscious.


Be you, be unique,

be a piece of your

own reality...

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    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 16 months ago from Florida

      Hey Audrey, and thank you for this wonderful comment. I feel a little speechless. I'm overflowing with gratitude by all the kind words you wrote here.

      Thank you for recognizing what my purpose for writing my thoughts out here are all about. It is an inner exploration. It's a journey I choose to take myself on. Sometimes, those take a lot of courage, and when I began to do this, it indeed was hard for me. I was nervous for how people perceived me. However, now, I love to take in all the good thoughts and even the bad thoughts from others about how I share here. I see it all as self-therapy to become the best person I can be, and not for anyone but myself. If in the process of this, someone else grabs some encouragement to follow my lead, then I'm even more grateful for my choice to be brave enough to do this.

      I think your comment here has been one of the kindest I've ever received, and a great encouragement for me to keep going. Thanks! ~Missy

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 16 months ago from Nashville Tn.

      Bravo Missy! You are courageous and highly intelligent - in fact light-years ahead of most of us. You've discovered who you are just by being on the path of inner exploration. This can be a scary thing. But it's also a beautiful gift to yourself.

      You are a diamond Missy! Your sparkle may have been buried deep within you. But through love (and true love begins with the self) you've managed to dig deep inside until a faint light revealed that tiny bit of sparkle. Then through life's process you've continued to polish and work on that sparkle which ultimately becomes a perfect diamond. You!

      Much is said about the importance of forgiving others (including me in my hubs) but forgiveness, like love, begins with forgiving ourselves. We all go through life making bad choices. That's called growing. But we also make good choices right?

      Celebrate the magnificent person you presently are. To those who passed you buy or failed to befriend you in your life thus far...it really is their loss. But all those negative, painful experiences have come to make you the beautiful person you are. A beautiful, sparkling and tough diamond.

      Hugs,

      Audrey

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 17 months ago from Florida

      Hello aesta,

      I hope your day is going well. Yes, you are right, finding ourselves is a lifelong process. I believe we all have this need inside of us to keep discovering who we are. I think some settle though. They put a stop to their journey by settling into their normal lifestyles of marriage and parenting, not to mention busy careers, and then they lose themselves. Like you mentioned, they stay put. Just my opinion, but when this happens, I believe that one day they will look back and ask themselves; where did I go? However, maybe not, they could just say I was right where I was supposed to be. Everyone is different I suppose, and they make their own choices in how to find and accept themselves.

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 17 months ago from Ontario, Canada

      I like your lines, "I am American but feel a part of the world...". I, too, have many moments of introspection and even at over 60, I am still looking into who I really am. I think it is a lifelong process. Otherwise, we will just stay put. There is so much more to explore in there and exploring we go...this is life.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 17 months ago from Florida

      That's a great compliment to me, Deb. Thanks so much!

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 18 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      Those people that wish to be mysterious sometimes fear being known, as others will not understand them. Great poem, which I truly believe encompasses you as a unique individual.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Hey Val, all very interesting things I shall do my best to look into after the holiday. I will find my way to your page and read that hub as well. I read the one you suggested earlier, and left you a very long comment. You're not surprised by my long-winded comments though, I'm sure. lol... You take care and thanks for all the wonderful advice and guidance. :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      What is really wonderful to me, Dana, is when we realize our growth, our changes, and our unique self that doesn't mirror anyone else. It's a freedom that some will never find for fear of not fitting in.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      We are all made unique are we not? Some people tend to gravitate away from their own special traits, as I never figured out how to and never really wanted to in the first place. lol...

      Thank you, Shaloo. :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Clive. This comment is very nicely versed and so true. :)

    • ValKaras profile image

      Vladimir Karas 18 months ago from Canada

      Missy, I forgot to mention that you may find something related to your inner quest to discover yourself in one of my hubs called "Quit the habit of analyzing yourself". - Val

    • ValKaras profile image

      Vladimir Karas 18 months ago from Canada

      Missy - I am in the first place a pragmatic dude, having used a lot of different techniques to rearrange emotional energies and switch their charge from negative to positive. So, one of them that I would recommend is EMDR. If you go to you tube and find a video called "98% meditation" (there is a 15 min and 1 hr version) and with headphones and closed eyes listen to it, after a week or so you will be synchronizing your brain hemispheres.

      In the process, as they say, brain starts "knowing itself" as hemispheres are communicating more. Old negative emotional energies get discharged, and you start getting a new insight into who you are and what the totality of you is. This is a very short description of EMDR benefits, but basically it helps to activate more of our creative potential and reconnect our fragmented parts of personality - which is not a "pathological issue" but a regular way that most people function, which can be improved.

      If you get a little further into researching of EMDR, you'll find out that its therapeutic version is helping even war veterans to get rid of their traumatic memories - so goes without saying that it can optimize our brain's model of functioning.

      If you are not into that stuff - fine with me, but I wanted to share it with you and your readers. - Be well, Missy. - Always your friend Val

    • Dana Tate profile image

      Dana Tate 18 months ago from LOS ANGELES

      I loved the poem it's one of your best. Evolving is a process the same as change is inevitable. I love the way you have become comfortable in your own skin. I also traveled many roads to self-awareness and today I am comfortable in my own skin. How different my life would have been if I had learned at an early age to love myself more than worrying of others perception of me. Today I worry more about making choices I can live with then others opinion of me.

    • swalia profile image

      Shaloo Walia 18 months ago

      I loved the concluding message in your poem. 'Be unique' because you are rare...you are a masterpiece...your master's piece!

    • clivewilliams profile image

      Clive Williams 18 months ago from Nibiru

      you are who you are, you are everything and everything is within you. We are the earth and the earth is us. Nicely done

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Venkatachari, I do reflect a lot. I think it is necessary to do so. We need to reflect in order to be comfortable with whom we are as a person. Some do this with meditation, some by listening to music, some with writing thoughts out. So, yes, I think I may reflect on myself more than others reflect. However, it's probably just because I am this complicated type and need to figure things out more when it comes to the person I am. I know who I am, but I need to stay in balance with that. I hope that makes sense. :)

      Have a nice day, Venkat, ~Missy

    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 18 months ago from Hyderabad, India

      Very interesting and intellectual hub. You have presented a wonderful introspection of yourself here. I hope most of us go through similar stages of introspection to be able to understand oneself and try to build up a good position and reach satisfaction levels. Life is so complicated and it goes on changing continuously with ups and downs. It is very difficult to realise what is our real nature and what suits us best in these changing colours.

      But, one thing is clear that one should try to pursue his heart or muse and follow its guidance always to develop his personality and reach his goals.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Yes, it certainly is a mystery. I agree. The puzzle of me is definitely hard to put together. I'm working on if I want to settle with a few missing pieces and just try to be happy with what I have, at this point. lol.

      It's fun at times, lonely other times. I am humbled with being me some days, and hate my reality on other days. lol. It's a big bundle of happy realizations along with some sad. I guess, in a nutshell, it's just life!! :)

      Thanks Bill, I hope you have a lovely day and upcoming weekend.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 18 months ago from Olympia, WA

      I love introspective pieces like this. Life is such a mystery, so much so that we even have a hard time solving the puzzle that is us....I've been searching for decades and just recently realized I'm on the right path...but it took me a very long time to recognize that. :) I never claimed to be a quick learner. :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      So true Frank my friend, so true...

      Thank you for being such a great friend to me here on HP. Those three little words at the end of your comment really made my day!!

      Who? Muah?

      Ditto to you my friend!! ;)

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 18 months ago from Shelton

      thank you Missy for sharing who you are.. it takes a lot of up hill climbing to realize who and what your purpose is.. To others it may not seem important.. but only you know how many storms you weathered to come to a realization of who you are.. also love the poetry at the end.. you kick ass...:)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Manatita. I do try to be just who I feel I am as a person, more for myself rather than for anyone else. Yes, when it all comes down to fact, we are all alone.

      Love to you as well, ~Missy

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 18 months ago from london

      Be just who you are, or who you want to be. We are all alone, really. You seem to know this. Much Love.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Hey Val, I am so free then!! I mean by your description of free, I am totally that person. I look out the window of a gloomy day, and I can see the beauty. I look in the mirror, and I smile at all my flaws and notice my transition with a shrug and smile on my face. lol. I mean, I do these exact things.

      I do believe I know who I am. I think you and Paula both have helped me realize this. However, I do agree with Paula that I'm not entirely there. I'm not completely satisfied on a daily, but I'm so extremely close to that. I feel it! This is what I'm trying to put across here in this article.

      I get everything you say, of course I do. I understand and I appreciate your perspective, because it does help me see this side of myself even more.

      You know I will definitely venture over to your page and read the article of yours that you suggest. Be looking for me. If I don't make it there today, I promise I will very soon. :)

      Love and friendship always, ~Missy

    • ValKaras profile image

      Vladimir Karas 18 months ago from Canada

      Hello Missy,

      When you ask yourself "Who am I?", the next question should be "Who is asking?" - For that will help you discover the futility of asking. Once we say "I am" - without adding anything to it, that's who we are, and the question was futile because we can't attach a label onto the source of our experiencing.

      That's why, no matter what we say after "I am" doesn't feel like ourselves, because we could always experience our nature as "something different", playing this games of identities no end.

      Enlightenment comes when we succeed to identify with our pure consciousness, that source, that "I amness" from which stems all CHOSEN experiencing. I say "chosen" because most folks spend their life time with their experiencing being programmed into their automatic pilot - which by the way suggests to them who they are.

      I am talking about a new found freedom to playfully choose your experiencing. When on a gloomy, cloudy day you can look outside your window and choose to love what you see - you are free. When you watch TV news with all those negativities and see that they are your reality only to extent that you choose so - you are free. When you look in the mirror, and your heart sends million kisses of approvals, acceptance, congratulations, amazement to that girl - then you can say that you KNOW who you are. Because you just got yourself a proof that you could attach any significance you choose to yourself, meaning that you are freely present at your source - present in a creator, not present in creations.

      You got it, my friend? AS LONG AS YOU ARE MAKING AN INVENTORY AMONG YOUR CREATIONS, YOU WON'T FIND "YOU" THERE. - Be well, my friend. - Val (P.S. You might get a little inspiration in my hub "Deliberate experiencing".) (P.S.-2 - Your poetry is touching my heart, and it's great to see your real look at these photos. I think there should be a lot of fine guys looking exactly for someone like you, you just haven't noticed them yet.)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, John. I'm glad you liked it. I feel very grateful that you think Paula is correct with her assessment of me. I know she is 100% right myself, so I'm glad my other friends here also agree.

      I love the simplicity of the poem that I wrote. It's actually simple but complicated just like me. Lol.

      Thanks again, John. Love and friendship always, ~Missy

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 18 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Missy, I think Paula's assessment of you seems spot on. Wonderful hub overall. Your poetry as always delightful and your personal commentary always an interesting read. True Colors is a perfect song for this as well.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      You're so right, shanmarie, it is very therapeutic, and as far as the inspiration for your poem, I mean whatever works. Inspiration comes from all kinds of things we experience. I will check out your other poem you mentioned, and I will go look at your response to my comment. Thanks!

      Paula is wonderful, she encourages me tremendously with her wisdom. I'm glad she could make you feel better tonight. :)

    • shanmarie profile image

      shanmarie 18 months ago

      Paula, I just happened to see your last comment. You weren't talking to me, but you spoke to me just the same. I needed those words tonight!

    • shanmarie profile image

      shanmarie 18 months ago

      Aww, thanks. That one is one of my favorites too. Someone inspired it by talk of treating someone like a porcelain doll in order to keep them close. And I find I'm not much good at that. I eventually speak my mind too directly when I feel close enough to someone to trust. But it can and has blown up in my face when I do. If you like that one, you might like, "Open Wide." "Porcelain Dolls and Powder Kegs" was more from a lyrical perspective, but the other one is just a fun poem that resulted from a moment in which I had to either laugh or cry. Figured I'd already put my foot in my mouth, might as well laugh. I'm not a vindictive person and I never intend to offend, but it happens sometimes.

      I replied to the comment you left on my last hub. This hub reminded me of a another hub I did a year or two ago. I mentioned it in my reply.

      I look forward to getting to know you as well. Also to reading more of your work. Definitely keep writing poetry. It's therapeutic even if it isn't entirely personal.

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Hahahaaa.... duly noted, Paula. :) You are such a fun person to know. :)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 18 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      You are most welcome......Do not make the error of believing you must "be happy with yourself ALL the time!" Heavens, Missy....our selves are as human and faulty as everyone. We SHOULD fight with our selves!

      I get so unhappy and angry with MYSELF sometimes....I won't even Speak to me!!..........LOL. It's healthy!

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Paula, I feel energized with your wisdom, and aspire to be just like you someday. I will indeed keep going to find that complete inner peace and understanding that I feel I still search for within myself. I do believe I have found inner peace, but it's not complete, and like you said, I must continue in order to feel completely secure in this life.

      I admire you. You know your complete self without restraint to pressure of the outside world. I, myself, do attempt to be just like that, and I'm making really great strides, but I must admit, sometimes certain things make me feel less than happy to be me. I don't think anyone should feel like that. Unfortunately, too many people do for whatever reason. We should not just have these happy epiphanies of ourselves, but we should live happy with whom we are on a daily.

      I don't know what else to say, but to thank you for all your support and kind words. They really mean the world to me. Peace and Happiness, ~Missy

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      I'm so pleased to hear you like my poetry, MsDora. Thank you so much!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 18 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy....."I still don't see myself completely the way you do, but....."

      I know this Missy~~precisely why I said." You're emerging...don't stop now." You're learning to accept who you are and liking that woman. Soon, you will love her, be grateful and treasure her. Not in an egotistical way, but in a calm, confident, self-assured way. Your basic personality does not even entertain an ego. Just read your OWN words.

      The only wisdom I will claim, Missy, is that I can truly know others really well because I learned to KNOW MYSELF. Barely any thing you say or thought you express, has not gone through my being at some point in my life. Practice, analysis & acceptance comes to those who will open their heart & mind to the realities of self and the appointments we have in the world.

      When your self love and assurance is in tact, you cannot stop it from shining through to the world. "Like attracts like"Missy. Keep reminding yourself of that. Take care......& Peace, Paula

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 18 months ago from The Caribbean

      Finding yourself is a process, and it takes effort; but not doing it is selling yourself short. I like your poetry and I'm following!

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Hey Shanmarie, I definitely agree with you, and I am looking forward to getting to know you even better. You have written a poem I now consider one of my favorites of all I have read, "Porcelain Dolls and Powder Kegs." I just love that one. I cannot express that enough.

      Thank you so much, ~Missy

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 18 months ago from Florida

      Hey Paula, my dearest friend, I believe you are an expert. I mean, there is no doubt in my mind that you know exactly what you are talking about. I read this comment of yours back to myself like three times, because it was so amazing just how much you get me. I think you absolutely know me well without even meeting me in person. However, I do not want to take too much credit for all those lovely compliments you gave me though, that would make me feel extremely guilty. I still don't see myself completely the way you do, but I do know I am different, and instead of looking at myself in a bad way now, through these years, I have learned to like myself very much.

      Your insights into my psyche always excite me, because I love, love, love, your kind of wisdom. You are the most unique person I've ever met, and did I say I love that?! Lol. It is so refreshing. I feel I have finally found someone I can completely relate to on a higher level. I should say; You, Val, Jodah, billybuc, along with a few others Frank, Manatita, and if I left anyone out you know who you are, but you all have become such great friends to me. I wouldn't know what to do without you now.

      I am so honored that you are in tune with me, like we are meant to be friends. It makes me very happy that I have found that kind of friendship in you, Paula. Thank You! Love and friendship always, ~Missy

    • shanmarie profile image

      shanmarie 18 months ago

      Missy, this is Rey good. I love the poem and the fact that you put yourself on your sleeve when you write. It seems like we have a lot in common.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 18 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy.....I soooo GET you, it's scary. Seriously, I fully understand every thought you express, every doubt, question and occasional epiphany........and I'll tell you what I think (if you don't mind) Though by now, you should figure I'll tell you what I think even if you do mind! LOL

      Just by assimilating all your writing and taking it inside my mind, heart & soul~~ You, Missy, are an incredibly versatile, talented, ever-thoughtful work of art who was born to be OUT OF THE BOX. And what confuses you is that from day one you recognized how "different" you are, perhaps failing to see this as wonderfully "UNIQUE."

      All this time you've invested in "trying to fit in" or figure things out~ everyone who has ever known you or even encountered your colorful personality has TRIED TO BE YOU. They have a hidden a type of admiration that shows itself as envy. You know what happens to people when they are GREEN with envy?

      They struggle to put you down, judge you and change you. They think, "Why should Missy be so special when she should be just like everyone else?" How does Missy get to be singled out as awesome and why does she shine?

      You need to believe me, Missy. I've been in this world a very long time, spending the vast majority of my time and energy watching, listening, experiencing and analyzing. Am I an expert? That all depends now doesn't it? It depends on who is listening and what really matters to them. It depends on where their happiness and peace of mind is found.........

      I hate to stop now, but I've given you enough to think about and THINK you should do, young lady. Your thoughts are emerging toward the real truth....don't stop now!......Paula