Martian Tourister

[Dateline — Olympus Mons, Mars, 11 November 2033] The Samsonite Corporation today heralded the 100 Year Anniversary of the founding of the American Luggage Works — creator of the American Tourister brand, and a company long since acquired by Samsonite — by Rhode Island immigrant luggage-maker Sol Koffler.

If you are of sufficient age, you may recall American Tourister’s popular TV commercials in which a gorilla tested the luggage’s durability by jumping on it and thrashing it about its cage.

Well, now Samsonite has embodied an impressive array of high-tech improvements in its new ‘Martian Tourister’ line (MT©), arriving at stores just in time for the inaugural launches of Virgin Spaceway’s London-to-Mars interplanetary route.

Such items as GPS locator, NASA-licensed telemetry, emergency oxygen tanks (both adult and child size), voice-command activation, and titanium-niobium alloy finish are standard on all MT© products. To suit Mars’ lighter gravity, the MT© line comes in significantly larger sizes than Earth-bound luggage; the largest MT© bag stands 11 feet tall, and is equipped with heavy-duty tank treads for self-propulsion. And, as Mars is distinctly lacking in available water, each MT© bag and valise incorporates a personal USPW (urine-&-sweat-to-potable-water) unit capable of recycling 1 or more liters of the carrier’s fluids per day. [The top-of-the-line ‘World-Beater’ model comes with a USPW unit capable of making cocktail-size ice cubes as well.]

The entire Martian Tourister line is offered in just one color: a fluorescent lime green hue that the manufacturer claims has the best overall visibility against the iron oxide cast of the Red Planet. Imagine — never losing your luggage again!