Therapy for Clinical Depression: Day 2

THERAPY: DAY 2

I have changed the names of the patients for privacy reasons.

Today I felt much better attending therapy. In fact, I really look forward to attending because I can share what I think with people who are in the same position as me. I found that I have a knack for getting people to confide with me. Mike, my hairdresser, was completely comfortable in relaying his days of depression. I’m always early so I made myself some coffee and sat in the therapy room. I spotted Simon, the 70 year old I met last week. At first I thought he was rude for not acknowledging me but have come to realize that he takes a while to open up to people. Carl, on the other hand, broke into a smile and said, “You’re back! I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I can only come every second week. You know, the fee is steep.”

It felt nice to have someone really happy to see me. I don’t often have that except for my family.

Carl left the room and Simon came to the take a seat at the table. “The reason I’m here is because my wife stonewalls me and refuses to see my point of view which is corrupting our marriage. The catalyst was my attempt to commit suicide two weeks ago. I thought, “Let my wife have her way, I’m through with this.” He went to his garage and tried to gas himself. He did not sit in the car, which obviously saved his life. The garage was designed for three cars and so the carbon monoxide was not sufficient enough to kill him by the time his two sons found him. They had to break the lock to get him. He was comatose but did not sustain enough oxygen deprivation to brain damage him.

Obviously I felt awful. I was shaking a bit. “Well, I am glad it was unsuccessful.”

The topic of the therapy session is the masks we put on in life to hide our true feelings. Many at the table confided that they had and to a certain degree I did, too. However, I deduced that I’m more myself than someone who masquerades as someone I’m not. However, there are a few exceptions. Sometimes I do give the impression that I’m stronger than I am. People tell me I’m strong but subconsciously my confidence and self esteem was eroded away. I become aggressive to try and keep in control of the situation. This is only on the Internet because I have not come across many people for the past 4 years. I think back to my debating days on myspace and Facebook and realized that I was in attack mode to hide my vulnerability. Even though I was right, I would still get people who would lay into me. In fact, that is why I got attacked. I was right and people do not want to be told things that are true if it strikes a nerve.

Because I despise evil so much, I concentrated on issues that are serious and horrific and, of course, that would give people the impression that I’m very pessimistic and serious. However, sometimes being pessimistic is being a realist. I have no hope for the world but I have hope for human souls who turn to Christ. Good has eventually triumphed over evil.

We had to do the following questionaire at home:

Fill in the appropriate answers:

Q: How I behave when I feel the need to: PROTECT myself:

A: I withdraw from others.

Q: How does it benefit or hinder me and my relationship with others:

A: It’s a hindrance because I isolate myself and a benefit at the same time as it tells me when to stop to avoid an argument getting out of control.

Q: How do I behave when I feel the need to: MANIPULATE others.

A: Perhaps give the impression I’m interested in something I’m not. It certainly is not beneficial so I avoid this at all costs. I’m rarely guilty of this.

Q: How do I behave when I feel the need to: KEEP OTHERS AT BAY

A: Ignore them to avoid being uncomfortable with a certain issue. I hope to give them the message to “just drop it”. It is beneficial to nip things in the bud and a hindrance because it causes further isolation and perhaps confuses people.

Q: How do I behave when I feel the need to: APPEAR IN CONTROL/POWERFUL

A: Get aggressive again and try and floor them in a debate with an irrefutable issue in my favour. That causes more friction and negativity. How is it beneficial to me? I suppose it shows that I’m not afraid to delve into topics that others wouldn’t touch with a barge pole because it attracts ridicule and arguments.

Q: How do I behave when I feel the need to: GAIN RESPECT/ATTENTION

A: I show an absolute zero tolerance to evil but if it was the case at all times I would be pure as the driven snow and, of course, no one is. How do I get attention? Well, trying to expose the truth which, of course, gains the attention of those who hate it and the respect of those who agree with it.

Q: How do I behave when I feel the need to: AVOID RESPONSIBILITY

A: Procrastinate and go to my room and sleep it off until the storm has passed. It isn’t a great trait but I do eventually get round to confronting it.

Analyzing these answers clearly demonstrates why I have a social phobia. I have lost the skills to interact with people. The internet furthers erodes those skills because nothing compensates for making eye contact and being in the presence of others. You have no idea how another person absorbs what you are saying unless they tell you so. I am afraid of hurting people unintentionally and afraid it may go unnoticed and lapse into real life.

I realize why I have isolated from other people. People tend to avoid me and ignore me. Do I blame them? No to a certain degree but yes in a way. People want to be shallow and be self absorbed. They only want to talk about themselves and what they had for breakfast. They also know that superficiality attracts more responses from their Facebook friends. I don’t get much feedback from my Facebook friends I have to be honest. Those that do have a little depth to them. I’m not trying to blow my own trumpet but it is an observation of mine. I have, with some amusement, observed how my friends have deleted me one by one. Of course, they weren’t real friends. And the friend requests? Once in blue moon. On the other hand, does one really have to be continuously reminded of the horrors of the world because of the things I write and the articles I post? After a hard day at work, does one really want to read about Bohemian Grove?

So I’m trying to look at things at all angles. I am certainly not perfect. I am trying to improve myself and the solution is therapy and socializing with other people. This will all be addressed then.