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10 sneaky diet busters that halt your weight loss

Updated on June 25, 2013

On a diet? Be careful...

At the risk of being labeled substandard, we present 10 things that will destroy your efforts to modulate your body weight. Don't expect to show up at the beach wearing anything smaller than a caftan if you insist on indulging from this vital list. This is the list that the clothing manufacturers don't want you to know about. Kevin Trudeau would charge you $29.95 for this list.

Bulk Smarties

They're small but deadly to your diet, A single smarty has, like, .01 calories, but a massive pound of individually wrapped subpackages will put you into the plus sizes faster than a Krispy Kreme wrapped in bacon. Well, maybe not that fast, but you get the idea. It's all too simple to drown your sorrows in a hefty bag of calorie-packed candy disks masquerading as harmless fruitful candy disks.

Nature's Perfect Pound Adder

A bucket of lard and a spoon might seem like a good idea when you're ensconced in your Snuggie and prepared for an all-night binge of the Oprah Channel. Resist the urge. Grab a bag of endless carrots and munch away on orange life-giving vegetables. Your thighs will thank you by not rubbing together to give you a rash.

Sneaky Pringles

Yes, they're the world's most perfect potato food processed into interlocking saddle shapes. Yes, they deliver a full day's supply of salt in only one can. Yes, you will blow up like a balloon if you eat them by the can. They may be humanly impossible to resist, so don't stock up on cases of them unless you're planning a long-term stay in your bunker.

Peanut Oil by the gallon

Oh, baby, everything tastes good when boiled in peanut oil. Even carrots are almost edible. It's amazing that science and modern manufacturing work closely together to extract the best part of the groundnut and package it into handy bottles of goodness. On the other hand, there are enough calories in one gallon to ride the Tour-de-France without performance enhancing drugs. Unless you plan to train for the Olympic Marathon or follow Dave Matthews on tour, stay away from peanut oil by the gallon.

Precooked Bacon

Bacon wasn't all that healthy for the donor pig, and eating boxes of the precooked stuff probably won't help you make weight, either. If you posses the superhuman superhero self-control to resist cramming the entire box into your pie hole in a single savory sitting, then go ahead and order the entire box. Otherwise, order your precooked bacon one cheeseburger at a time,

Ropes of Bologna

It's a rope of meat. You can't climb Mt. Everest with it. You can climb to the first campsite of Mt. Obese and make an assault on the second level as well. A massive jar of food products built from animal parts might be absurdly tasty: there's a price to pay. Look for nutritional alternatives. Carrots are a suitable substitute for slaking your hunger. There's no carrot rope, as far as we know, but nor should there be.

16 Fried Chicken Parts

Sixteen chickens donated precious body parts. Their memorial will live long and prosper on your subcutaneous fat stores. Your belly won't be tiny any more. You will not be sneaking up on anyone. No sentient human outside of the NFL needs 16 fried chicken components. You can do worse, but such would require concerted efforts involving a bucket of lard and a case of Pringles.

85 Servings of Chocolate Mix

We could solve all the world's problems with 85 servings of chocolate mix served with finger-food bacon dippers, but suggesting that your diet would survive reeks of speciousness. There's a price to be paid for tasting good, and that price will weigh you down. Sneak away from mass quantities of Chocolate Mix no matter how tempting.

Sugar Cubes

There's no need for slickly packaged candy offerings when you can simply pop cubes of sugary goodness into your mouth. Unwrapping simply slows down the ingestion process. After just a few rounds of Angry Birds, you look down and notice, with not a little alarm, that you have consumed an entire bag of brown sugar. You may be sick now.

Wipe out your insides

Not a lot of calories here, but a lifetime of pain and suffering are included at no extra charge. Gitmo outlawed this stuff. No self-respecting taste bud desires to be dusted with 5 million Scoville units. Maintain the integrity of your diet and your digestive tract: cut back on the Scoville units. You do not need this many Scoville units and you probably don't know what those are, anyway.

Conclusion

Keep your diet. Stay away from these sneaky foods.

Surprisingly enough, foods tasting bad typically pack fewer diet-wrecking components. An edible that tickles taste buds has no business crossing sentient human lips.This simple and shocking tip will add many years of chewing to your life.

Stock up on crunchy vegetables grown in organic poop and delivered to fair-trade grocery stores by grain-fed children making twice minimum wage. Or something like that.

A poll, because Google says so

What is your fav diet buster?

See results

Comments

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    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 5 years ago

      I am so disappointed. I love to cook with lard. In fact, I love to eat it right out of the jar!

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj: You are so kind! Do you know anyone at Google?

      @PD: Yes, writing these metaphors are as tiring as parsing Willard Mitt Romney's tax returns.

    • psychicdog.net profile image

      psychicdog.net 5 years ago

      I just broke my diet thanks to you Nicomp - I couldn't help salivating over the awesome treats here - agree with drbj - you made them sound sooooooo delicious with your metaphors - so BAD! (means good now yow!) By the way - do you lose calories reading metaphors like this?

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Oh, nicomp, Metaphor Master, you have achieved Nirvana of the written word with descriptions such as these: 'a Krispy Kreme wrapped in bacon, orange life-giving vegetables, ride the Tour-de-France without performance enhancing drugs, sixteen chickens donated precious body parts ...'

      I hope when I grow up I can be even a smidgen as clever as youse. :)

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Austinstar: Pain is a flavor! That's why y'all elected George Bush :)

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Texans do believe in Scoville units - pain is a flavor as we are taught from birth. Pretty sure Mr. Scoville was a Texas resident if not an actual citizen of our state.

      I will be submitting a new fried food to the state fair this year as you have given me the idea of frozen lard, wrapped in pre-cooked bacon, coated in crushed Pringles, then fried in gallons of peanut oil. Awesome! Hot sause on the side, of course.

    • Georgie Lowery profile image

      GH Price 5 years ago from North Florida

      I'm totally down with 85 servings of chocolate mix. Who needs milk, just give me a spoon! That hot sauce though... no. Just. No! Ow!

    • Efficient Admin profile image

      Efficient Admin 5 years ago from Charlotte, NC

      I've never heard of Rope Bologna.

    • Thundermama profile image

      Catherine Taylor 5 years ago from Canada

      Rope bologna terrifies me.

    • denisemai profile image

      Denise Mai 5 years ago from Idaho

      I can't imagine eating a spoonful of lard. Bleck! That's hilarious.

      I must admit, I'm a sucker for those Smarties. They are pure sugar and end up making me feel a little woozy so I know they are unhealthy.

      As far as the bologna ropes go...well gosh, I was planning on adding those to my diet but now I'll have to rethink it. We need to be more aware of what we put in our piehole, as you say. Thanks for the kind and humorous reminder. I'll try to do better now!

      I'll share this so that nobody else starts eating lard by the spoonful, either.

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